Page 52 of Stand on That

“You’re actually alright.”

“You too, but let’s be clear. I don’t do fish. This isn’t going to be no poly type group thing threesome vibe going on.”

“Girl, please.” Bree laughed a genuine laugh, and I was glad to see her in good spirits. If I could just get my man to stop being mad at the world, I’d feel accomplished.

“Darius!” Ebony’s eyes widened as I rolled off the elevator.

We had ended up in another class together although I’d missed practically the entire semester. I did everything online, but I had to come take the final exam in person. If it wasn’t physical therapy or a doctor’s appointment, I rarely left the house. It had been four months since I got shot, and I was living like a recluse. The day before, I had gotten my hair cut for the first time in two months.

I sat in the house and studied, did homework, played PlayStation, watched TV, or listened to music. Most days, I was still pissed at my circumstances. I wanted to dig Mario’s ass up and kill him again. I wanted to snap Mya’s neck. I wanted to do a lot of shit.

“What’s up?” I gave her a small smile.

“You look good. I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“’Preciate that.”

One of the reasons I didn’t go out much was because I hated to feel like an exhibit in a freak show. I didn’t want pity, and I didn’t like when people were nosey as hell. Streets could gossip, talk, and speculate all they wanted, but not too many people knew the real. Nor did they need to know.

One thing about me getting shot and sitting still was that I knew my textbooks like the back of my hand, and I knew I was going to ace all of my final exams. Even though I was choosing not to participate in graduation, I was still getting a degree. As more students entered the classroom, I caught the stares, and it was lowkey starting to piss me off. People acted like they’d never seen a nigga in a wheelchair before. Everybody always wanted to know what happened and the answer was usually, none of your fuckin’ business. The fact that a lot of strangers were bold enough to ask someone they didn’t know personal questions was alarming. But what was even more alarming was my mouth when I was pissed off.

I appreciated everything Vani had done for me and Dymand. She held me down and never complained at all. She remained patient when I was snappy and irritable, and she treated Dymand like her own child. The fact that her and Bree were cool was mind blowing, but I couldn’t fully let go of the anger that I held inside. Not being able to walk was some crucial shit. My entire life had changed. Azarius had dropped me off at school, and he was going to pick me up afterward. I felt like a lame that couldn’t do anything on my own and needed a babysitter.

My doctor, parents, and Vani had all suggested that I talk to a therapist, and I kindly declined every time. There wasn’t anything a therapist could tell me that would make me stop feeling like I was less than a man. After the exam, I got in Azarius’ car, and he passed the blunt that he was smoking to me.

“Anywhere you need to go before I take you to the crib?”

“Nah.”

“You know you can drive. I see people in wheelchairs driving all the time.”

“I’m straight,” I responded in a dry tone.

From my peripheral, I saw Azarius shaking his head. “How long you gon’ be mad at the world, fam? You being in a wheelchair is fucked up. I promise it is, but you never been a weak nigga. It’s time for you to shake back kid.”

“Bro, respectfully, I don’t need anybody telling me how to feel or act. I have two legs, and they’re both useless. Until you know how that feels, I’m good on the advice. I don’t see myself ever accepting this shit.”

“Then do something about it. Get your ass up and walk. Go to physical therapy and do exactly what they tell you to do instead of getting frustrated and acting like a female. They’ve told you more than once that repetition is key. You have to keep doing the exercises over and over and not just at rehab. You have to do them at home too.”

With a frown, I passed the blunt back to Azarius. I was sick of lectures and motivational speeches from everybody. I wanted to be miserable and if they didn’t want to see it, they didn’t have to be around me.

When Azarius arrived at my home, he got my wheelchair out of the back of the car, and I got out of the car on my and into the chair. My house wasn’t wheelchair accessible, so I had to get a ramp built. I was renting, but my landlord had to accommodate my needs. In the house, I found Vani sitting on the couch eating ice cream.

“Hey, bae. How was the exam?” No matter how rotten my mood was, Vani was always nice and polite.

“I aced it.”

A big smile graced her face. “I knew you would. That was your last exam, so I guess it’s safe to call you a college graduate. What do you want to do? Cookout at home, dinner at a restaurant, a trip? Anything you want we can do.”

“Cool. ‘Cus I don’t want to do anything.”

“Nothing?”

“Not one thing,” I stared straight ahead. I could feel Vani watching me, but I didn’t face her. She couldn’t have been shocked that I didn’t want to celebrate.

“You worked so hard, and I know your parents would love to celebrate with you.”

“Why am I supposed to always care what someone else wants? Every time I say I want or don’t want something, you mention Dymand, my parents, yourself. So, it’s just fuck what I want?”