Page 59 of Be My Summer

“Summer.”

“Saul, please. Please just– Just go. Please.”

“We need to call the medics.”

“I need you to give me a minute with my father! I’m sorry. I just need a minute.”

“I’ll make the call and I’ll be outside waiting whenever you need me.”

“Don’t– don’t wait up. Just– your father needs you. My father needs me.”

With a nod, Saul responded, “Understood.”

Each step he took shattered the piece of my heart my father had left on the floor.

Silence.

“Dad, I’m not ready. I’m not ready,” I wept against my father’s body. “I’m not ready.”

Animalistic cries erupted at the realization that the person who chose me each and every day had lived their last day on earth today. They’d taken their last breath. Said their last words. Wished their last goodbyes.

Knock.

Knock.

The days were seventy-two hours long. The nights lasted an entire thirty-six. And, each morning, at five-forty-five came a knock on the door. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t drag myself out of the bed.

I felt as if I was lost at sea. The rescue team was only a few feet away but I didn’t have the strength to wave my hand or make a sound. I had been stretched thin. Nothing was the same for me. Everything had changed four nights ago.

The woman who haunted me every day in my dreams, even the ones while I was awake, was now my reality. She’d raised two children that she didn’t birth and one she did with her husband.

Reuben Rutherford.

Angela Rutherford.

They were the perfect couple, only she wasn’t perfect. She was far from it. She’d left her daughter in the hospital with her father, gave up her parental rights, skipped town, changed her name, and jumped into a relationship with a single father.

Her history was repulsive, yet they had no idea. The people she catered to and cared for had no idea. The people who loved her dearly had no idea. She was a monster. A deadbeat mother. A fucking disgrace.

Her mother had given her up for adoption at only a year old for reasons unknown. With the adoption being closed, she had no way to discover who her biological mother was. She’d taken a note from her mother’s book and did the same for her child. Left me without a clue.

Ding.

Dong.

The days had begun to blur. Everything sounded the same. Everything looked the same. It wasn’t until the sound of a doorbell rang throughout the house that reminded me of my existence.

I peered at the vase holding my father’s ashes wondering if I was in a nightmare or if this was truly my life. Knowing I’d live without him one day and actually living without him were two very different things. I wanted him back. Not later… I wanted him now. He was my safe space.

I’d honored his wishes and put him through the fire. No service. No burial. Just cremation and most of his ashes spread in the ocean when I was ready to let go.

Ding.

Dong.

Saul.

He brought batteries. My body craved his but my spirit craved nothing. No one.