Page 31 of Once Upon A Christmas Song

“Why did you follow me?”

“Because I just got back, and why on earth would I spend any time away from you for any reason?” he said with a shrug. “How does that make sense?”

I had no answer for him because I was both happy and annoyed.

“Is this the way you always come?” he asked after several moments of prolonged silence.

“I like to take the scenic routes,” I mumbled.

“I know,” he replied with a sigh. “I would cut through alleys and walk through courtyards, but you, down Frenchmen, crossing Esplanade, turning on Decatur, then down Ursulines to Chartres, and now, taking a left to the school.”

I scowled at him. “What’re you, a GPS?”

He cleared his throat. “I’m nervous, all right?”

“What’re you nervous for?”

“Oh, I dunno, Christopher, what could it be?”

I shook my head at him, but his sudden evil chuckle made me smile despite myself.

“Look at these poor bastards,” he remarked, motioning toward the drivers who had accidentally gotten in the far-right lane and now found themselves stuck in the school pickup line, along with parents, for an excruciating amount of time. “I’m guessing once you pass the crossing guard and the orange cones on the left with the motorcycle cop on the sidewalk here,” he said, waving at the officer, who returned the gesture, “you’re screwed.”

“I think this is probably what hell is like.”

He laughed, and as always, the sound ran through me, making all the places deep inside warm and ripe with feeling that had been missing for so long.

“You need to go away,” I found myself saying.

“Oh look, once you get through the gates, you have a long-ass driveway leading to a huge curve up there. That’s fun.”

“Did you hear me?”

“Of course I heard you, but just because you still like the sound of my laugh is no reason to get pissed off.”

I walked faster.

“You have every right to be mad,” he apprised me, remaining at my side with those long legs of his. “But again, I’m not the same person I used to be.”

“Explain,” I muttered through my teeth, angry at myself for asking but needing to know.

“I mean, I did need to go and see what me and the band could be. That was really important. But what I discovered along the way was that I don’t need to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to feel like my life had meaning. I don’t need to be the greatest-selling artist of all time or have a one-in-a-million career. I just need to make records, see some fans, say thank you, and most of all, have a home and a man there waiting to love me.”

My heart clenched in my chest, no way for it not to with confessions like that.

“I fucked up by not calling, not showing up, but after I saw you the last time in LA, after the record came out and we toured and I fell right back into the drinking and drugs, I realized that to be the man you needed and deserved, I had to get clean. I was not going to show up broken and make you fix me. That wouldn’t have been fair. I had to come back as the best version of me I could be.”

It was both infuriating and heartfelt. “And I was supposed to be doing what all this time? Just waiting for you to come home like a loyal dog?”

“No, of course⁠—”

“Did it occur to you that when I got home from LA and didn’t hear from you again, that I got on with my life and met someone else?”

He moved fast then, ahead of me a few paces, then stepping in front of me, barring my path, making me stop or plow into him. Pulling off his sunglasses, he stared at me with those dark-blue eyes of his that were no longer heavy-lidded or drugged, but healthy and clear. His breath caught like he was scared. “Is,” he croaked out, “is there someone else? Did you fall in love while I was gone?”

At that moment, it would have been so satisfying to say I had. I could see the vulnerability in his eyes, on his face, saw the slight tremor that ran through him. I would have loved to cleave his heart in two.

And yet…the idea of purposely hurting the man I loved, had loved from the beginning and still loved now, seemed monstrous. It would snuff out all the hope he was brimming over with.