Page 27 of 13 Rules For Fantastic Phone Sex

Me: Also, I listened to a lot of lyrics to come up with the right song so bite me. Also, pretty sure it’s older than you too. Also, I’m giving this phone back.

Unicorn: Why this song?

Me: The word love gets thrown around with too little thought. People say they love you but their love doesn’t feel safe or healthy. Love is complicated. I can’t think of a single negative association about being adored. It’s a warm fuzzy of a word. Who doesn’t want to be adored?

Unicorn: I couldn’t agree more. Excellent choice.

CHAPTER EIGHT

KAITLIN

RULE #5: NEVER TRUST A CALLER.

“Oh, Kait, you are super horny. You get in bed and find a dildo next to your pillow!” He’s really excited about this dildo. “It’s smooth, stainless steel, and the perfect size, the perfect length, not too thick, but way heavier than a normal dildo.”

Whatever, dude. I have no idea what the hell I’m supposed to say, so we’re going with the generic sounds of enthusiasm. “Ooooooh! This dildo is going to be gooooooooooood.”

“You’ve gotta have it.” He’s so worked up his voice keeps cracking, even though he’s a verified grown-up. “You slide the dildo in your pussy while you play with your clit.”

“Oooooooh.” Insert fake moans here. “I’m so full.”

“You’re getting into it, fucking yourself.”

In reality, I’m driving to work, talking hands-free, and I’m sure there’s paint on my cheek because it itches. Moaning louder, I say, “This is the best dildo I’ve ever had. Amazing.”

He’s talking faster, the words tumbling out. “Surprise! The dildo starts to vibrate.”

What? A magic vibrating dildo? Will the wonders never cease? “What’s happening? I feel vibrations!” Call me the master of stating the obvious.

“You pull it out and look at it, trying to figure out what is going on!” His enthusiasm is growing.

“I pull it out and look at it. Is it a dildo?” I have no idea what to say. None. I’m a parrot. Polly wants a cracker? Polly wants a vibrating dildo, which, by definition, is a vibrator?

“Your dildo is really a tiny rocket ship, and the engines have started!” ChatGPT and NASA combined couldn’t figure out what I should say next, so I moan more.

“There’s a teeny weeny cockpit, and you see me, the tiny pilot, waving at you. I’m human, only tiny.”

Oh! It’s a giantess fantasy, of course. Got it! “I see you in there! You’re so wee. Hi, tiny little you!” I match his enthusiasm. It’s easier when I can comprehend what the hell we’re talking about.

“Kait, you instinctively know what to do.” I assure you, Martin, I do not. “You shake me out onto your palm.” Why yes, but of course. Obviously.

“I shake tiny little you out of the cockpit onto my palm. You look…” Crap. I don’t know. Is he scared? Is he a happy tiny man? “Diminutive.”

“I’m terrified. I know what you are going to do.”

“The tension builds! What will I do with my giant hands and my enormous body? I could crush you like a bug or flick you across the room if I wanted. I’m ginormous!” If you don’t know what to say, say it enthusiastically. “You’re helpless, and I’m gargantuan!”

“You know what to do with my tiny body, Kait!” He’s shrieking with excitement. Shrieking. I turn down the volume. “You shove me up your ass! You can feel me running around, trying to get out of your cavernous colon, but your giant sphincter is too strong. I can’t escape your butthole! Oh god, I’m going to suffocate in your rectum! Help me! Help!” I bite my lip, trying to hold in a giggle. “Before I asphyxiate, you fart me out, my tiny arms and legs flailing like I’ve been launched from a cannon. You fart me against the wall. Splat!” The second he says “splat,” he’s done, screeching as he comes.

Mute button, mute mute mute! Thankfully, I’m parked outside our building. I’m crying with laughter. I had no clue what I was doing, but it was fun. Ten out of ten would do again.

I wish Henry would call. It’s been forever.

Lie.

It’s been less than forty-eight hours. I convinced him that he can call every day if he likes, and it doesn’t mean anything other than he’s found an effective way to fall asleep.

On the other hand, I’m turning into the worst phone sex operator in history. He hears my voice and passes out. I hear his voice, and my nipples perk up.