Page 22 of 13 Rules For Fantastic Phone Sex

He’d do it too, the bastard. “She’s better than anyone I’ve ever dated.” Truth. Even if I am paying her. And we’re not actually dating.

“That’s an incredibly low bar, mate.”

Sadly, he’s not wrong, but he doesn’t give me a moment to agree with him.

“Shit humans, Henry. Like everyone Schuyler dates. You, they use for your money and stability, while everyone Sky so much as looks at cheats on him. You two are human shite magnets.”

What can I say? Again, he’s not wrong. Suddenly, “Loser” by Beck is playing on my internal soundtrack, and damn him for that.

“Still, one of the best things about you both is how you see the good in people. You have to be more careful about deciding who’s deserving of your kindness.” After a long sip and a glance around the bar, a smile for the gorgeous blonde sitting nearby, Julian says, “So, tell me more. Is she worthy of you?”

God, yes. “Not much to tell. We haven’t met.”

He makes the go on hand gesture, his eyebrows reaching for the ceiling. For once in his life, he doesn’t say anything, but his expression is talking loud and clear, asking a bold question: “Is Henry fucking nuts?”

“We’ve only talked on the phone. She’s fantastic. Funny and smart and doesn’t seem to care about material things,” I say. “She’s absurdly frugal, unless she’s spoiling someone else. She’s never asked what I drive, how much I make, anything like that.” And I can’t help a sigh of contentment, even as I shrug. “She knows about Columbia, but only because we were talking about expensive schools and when it’s worth the tuition, not because she gives a shit about my Ivy League diploma. It’s refreshing.”

More than refreshing, really. It’s… liberating. “We have intelligent conversations about things that matter, then ten minutes later, we’re debating Froot Loops versus Fruity Pebbles. I don’t know her at all in some ways, but I like the world more when she’s part of my day.” The truth of that hits me like a lightning bolt.

I travel, go on the occasional adventure—Mount Everest Basecamp was a bitch, but ten out of ten would highly recommend. It’s not that I need her in order to be happy, but I need her to be happier. Everything is a little better, a little brighter, when she’s in the mix.

“I like her already.” A tiny smile plays on Julian’s lips when he says it, like he’s pleased about something. To be fair, the blonde is still eying him as if she’s waiting for us to wrap up our conversation. “Even if you sound like you’ve lost your mind.”

“What? You hate everyone I’ve ever been interested in.” I’m a little incredulous, wondering where the stern lecture that was brewing on his face went.

He nods, takes a sip of his drink, and doesn’t even bother trying to deny it. “Agree. This one sounds different.”

“She is.”

I pay her. That’s different.

“Did you meet her by accident? On an app or something because she doesn’t sound like your type at all. She sounds like a good person.” Asshole. Before I can defend myself against the (rightful) dig, he says, “Maybe one of Killian’s leftovers? She was a nice girl, so he dumped her before they could go on a second date?”

“I’d call you a jerk, but that’s such an accurate representation of my brother I can’t be bothered.” My drink is almost done, and I’m trying to decide on another round or an early night. “Killian wouldn’t even consider a second date with Kait, and I mean that as an enormous compliment.” She’s wonderful. That’s the big difference between her and all the women I’ve dated since law school.

My phone rings. Blocked number. I send it to voicemail.

Oh, because I’m her job. Sigh.

My phone vibrates again. Voicemail. Julian raises an eyebrow at my phone, smug. Why are we friends?

I listen to the voicemail. It’s Kait. “Hey, babycakes! I know we planned to talk tonight at eleven your time, but I’m leaving the office early. I have a call that will take about an hour, then I’m free. Call me!”

I wonder who will be getting her attention before me.

Julian laughs out loud. “I don’t even need to ask, Henry. Look at that smile.”

I try to stifle it but fail, and that encourages him.

“You look like you’re getting away with something naughty. What did she say?” He pretends to try to read my screen, and I cover it with my hand.

Talking with her feels… normal. It’s not, really; it’s normalized. I’ll get a bill at the end of the month.

Julian stands and makes a beeline for the blonde. “Looks like we’ll both be occupied the rest of the night.”

I’d stop him, but I want to talk to Kait. I wish him good hunting and head out.

And now Blondie’s “Call Me” is the song in my head. Which is reasonable since I can’t think of a better way to spend some of my annual bonus than talking to Kait. Two years ago, I bought an SUV and made some investments. Last year, I paid off my mortgage as part of my retire-young plan. This year, I’m buying laughter and great sleep. Reasonable. I won’t make it to retirement if I never sleep. When you think of it that way, it’s like paying for health insurance. It’s a bargain.