Page 63 of Penalty Kill

She cringed. It was underhanded, throwing that in her face, but I was reaching the point of begging.

No, I needed to stop before I pushed her over the edge.

“I’m sorry,” I said before she could respond. “That’s not your responsibility.”

She nodded. “You’re right. It’s not.”

“I love you, Sydney.” I pushed away from the table and walked out.

I said my piece. I laid it all out for her. What she did next was out of my control. I headed up to my room and crumbled onto the chair in the corner with my head in my hands. My chest was ripping in two. There was nothing I could do, and I hated it. I couldn’t follow her if she left. There could be no grand gesture if she chose to walk away.

My boys, all of them, needed me here. I couldn’t fly to Barcelona or Hong Kong or wherever she landed. I didn’t want to reset my career, it had been too much of a blessing, but the short leash it kept me on felt suffocating at times. Like now.

I could get the twins to make her cards or tell her they loved her until she finally heard it, but I didn’t want to do anything to manipulate her. It was her life and a decision she needed to be okay with. I couldn’t handle her resenting us months or years from now because we used her emotions to trap her.

I was used to being in charge. Making decisions and acting on them. Staying still and letting things happen around me was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but I loved her enough to stand back.

I didn’t have the luxury of breaking down. The boys would be home soon. I had to be strong for them, especially for the next few days. They would ask about her, wonder why she left, and I would have to tell them that she loved them but had to go. Just like I did with their mom. They would cry. They would be hurt and confused. The worst part would be when they asked if they did something wrong. If she was mad at them.

It would take every ounce of strength I had to hold them and tell them they were perfect and so very loved. But I couldn’t just tell them. I would have to show them. Be tough for them. Dote on them and make sure they were as happy as possible. I couldn’t let myself grieve the loss of her until I knew they were okay. It might take a while, but I’d hold it together for them.

I’d tell them she was ours to love for a short time, but that she was meant to leave. To fly away.

She was a bird, and I could force her into a cage, but I wanted her to love me and the boys enough to see the cage as her home. A safe place. Somewhere she could come and go from, knowing she was always wanted. Not something to keep her limited from spreading her wings.

20

Sydney

Everything was in place. I arranged for Addison to pick up Milo and Finn from preschool today. She was going to take them to the aquarium and bring them home when Brandon was done with practice. Tomorrow, Emma would take them to her house to go swimming. Then it was up to Brandon to make plans.

Last night, I decided on my destination and bought my ticket to Reykjavík. I would start at one end of Europe and work my way east. I didn’t have a set plan. As usual, I’d figure it out as I went. Only this time, I didn’t have to panic over finding a job. I could simply enjoy the culture and sightsee. Eventually, the settlement money would run out, but as long as I was smart and frugal, I was pretty sure I could make it stretch for several years. I was putting some away in an investment account, but the rest would support me while I fulfilled my dreams.

I rubbed my hip and stared down at my empty suitcases. It had come at a cost. I was still recovering from the accident, but my doctor cleared me for normal activity. My heart would take some time to heal as well, but there were some things I’d never recover from. My choice to have children was taken away.

Over the past eight weeks I didn’t let myself think about that new reality too often. Maybe it was for the best. Motherhood meant settling down. Putting someone else’s needs before your own. I wasn’t great at that.

I carefully folded and rolled my clothes to fit into one large suitcase and my backpack. I’d have to leave some stuff behind, but it wasn’t anything I would miss. I wasn’t attached to items; they were easily replaced.

The boys’ faces ran through my mind, and I had to push the images away. Leaving them was the hardest part. I knew Milo would take it harder than Finn. He had a big heart, and he’d opened it for me. He let me in. He believed in me enough to trust me. He changed while I was here. I just hoped he didn’t retreat back to his shell when I was gone. Hopefully he didn’t blame himself. Finn would probably act out. Go back to throwing tantrums until he understood that they wouldn’t get him what he wanted. One day they would forget me. They were young enough for me to become a distant memory.

Brandon was who I was hurting the most. The last thing I expected was for him to admit his feelings for me. I thought, before the accident, that there was something between us. Something that could grow, but after... I pulled away. I know I did, but so did he. We lost the connection. The spark.

He treated me like a patient, and I shut myself down.

I was hurting—physically, emotionally, and mentally. I needed him to be the one to cross the bridge. Extend a hand. Whatever. I needed him to come to me, but he gave me space. Too much of it.

Left on my own, all I could do was make plans. I had eight weeks to dream about what I would do when I could get out of that bed. Africa, South America, Europe, Asia. The possibilities were endless. I fantasized about staying a month in Bora Bora, doing nothing but swimming and basking in the sun.

When Brandon told me about the settlement money, those dreams became real options. Wherever I wanted to go, whatever I wanted to do. I just had to take my pick.

I had plans. Goals. He knew that, but he just had to go and pull me in. He made me fall for him. I thought there was a chance before the accident. That almost kiss. I let myself hope that maybe he and the boys could be my new plan and goal. I let myself dream of a future with them. Then it all just stopped. The day he brought me home, I felt the change between us. He pulled away. He never looked at me the way he did before. He didn’t touch me. Never tried to kiss me again.

Things between Brandon and me ended before they could begin, and I couldn’t stand the thought of staying eleven more months knowing what might have been. I had no choice but to move on. His admission was too late.

I had accepted it.

How could he do this to me? How could he switch back and ruin everything?