Page 42 of Drop Pass

“Oh sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.” I looked up, stunned when I saw Nikolay staring down at me. His hands were on my shoulders, bracing me.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded and stepped aside, instantly missing the weight of his hands. His eyes trailed me as I turned and stepped back into the elevator and pressed the button for our floor.

He looked like he wanted to say something but the doors shut, separating us.

I leaned against the wall and let out a sigh. I thought it would be easier. Seeing him made me remember. All the work I’d done this morning to suppress the feelings from last night was trashed with one innocent touch. The second our eyes connected my stupid mind replayed the kiss and I wanted so badly to reach out to him. Why couldn’t we work? Why did it always implode before we could take a step forward?

I tried not to think about my last relationship. It had ended almost a year ago, but it still hurt to know I wasn’t enough. He wanted a life in the fast lane. Chasing after more. The next best thing. He was never satisfied with what he had at the moment. I wanted a life with him. A family.

He wanted to reach the next level. Of what, I still wasn’t sure. Even after the promotions and achievements and cars and trips. He was never content. Never at peace with his life.

I was. At least, I thought I was. I loved him and wanted us to settle down, but that was one thing he could never do, settle.

He left me behind when he realized I was a weight. I was holding him back from...more?

I know now he wasn’t a happy man. He was good and kind and smart and treated me well, but he wasn’t happy. It took months for me to realize it was something only he could change. I couldn’t love him more or do more to get him to appreciate what was right in front of him.

We weren’t meant to be, but it was still hard not to take it personally. I thought maybe if I was more...perfect? Accomplished? He would see I was all he needed. It was unhealthy. I knew that now and I wouldn’t go back to that life for all the money in the world, but it made me wonder if there was something about me that wasn’t worth fighting for.

I’d dated back in LA but was always tossed aside when something better came along. I dated a talent agent for four months before realizing he was cheating on me with one of his actresses. An eighteen-year-old.

Grant hadn’t been interested in me when we met in Mexico, which turned out for the best. We weren’t meant for each other, but I was weak and human. I took things personally.

Nikolay’s rejection was the straw that broke my back. What hurt the most was knowing he was interested. The chemistry between us was palpable. He trusted me enough to tell me about his family and the stress he was under, but when it came down to it, I wasn’t enough for him to even try. I wasn’t worth his effort.

I let myself into my home and went straight to my bed. I pulled off my blazer and stepped out of my slacks and crumbled on top of the covers.

Tears threatened to fall but I forced them down. I would not cry over another man. I would fight against the self-doubt. I was worth it. I was worth someone fighting for. I just hadn’t met them yet.

I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. I’d find my happily ever after like the women of the Pride had. I’d find my happy. Just maybe not today.

14

Nikolay

I received the ‘Rookie of the Year’ award before the game started. Madi, Reese’s wife, made sure to live stream it so Mama and my sisters could watch. I haven’t had a chance to talk to them yet, but I hoped they were proud of me. John, my attorney also let me know HockeyToday would be doing a four-page spread on me. They set up the interview and photoshoot for next week.

Things were coming together quicker than I expected but I was still trying to manage my excitement. Nothing was done yet. I was closer to getting permanent residence, but we were still a long way out from applying to sponsor my family to come over. My dreams of having them here in time for Christmas had faded now that I had a better understanding from John on the fastest possible timeline. He told me we would be lucky if we could get my status changed in the next six months. It could be a year or more after that before I could get my family here. That wasn’t easy to hear, but it was better to know what to expect now.

The first period was rough. The San Diego Seagulls were a tough opponent. They were a young team, which meant they had energy and speed. What they didn’t have was the experience and patience of our team. We’d only scored once, but we’d been able to keep them from scoring at all.

We just had to keep our defense tight and we’d walk away with two points, but it was exhausting.

Chloe was in the tunnel and pulled Colin, Erik, and Noah to the side. She held up her hand when I passed and waved us all to follow her. I was told I had interviews set up for the first intermission and after the game, so I wasn’t surprised, but I wanted the chance to catch my breath first.

We stopped at the backdrop with the team’s logo that was set up before each game for these interviews. I pulled off my helmet and ran my hands through my wet hair. I always felt bad for the poor person that had to stand next to us. It wasn’t like we had time to shower or change so they were getting us in a ripe state.

Colin walked up first and started laughing. That meant whoever was interviewing us was one of the regulars. There were a few we could hassle and chat with before the cameras went on. There were also some that were so strictly business, they wouldn’t make eye contract until their cameraman said ‘rolling’.

I leaned past Noah to see who it was this time and froze.

“What is she doing here?” I didn’t mean to ask aloud but Erik answered.

“The normal sports guy for her station is out for a few weeks so she’s covering.”

I nodded and took a step back. Maybe I should leave, claim I had an injury I needed checked out. Yeah, like that wouldn’t draw attention. These guys were like sharks to blood when they sensed any sort of drama. I’d have them on me asking questions before I could reach my locker.