Page 48 of Full Strength

“I know his type.”

I rolled my eyes and had the epiphany that I didn’t have to talk to this loser anymore. He had no pull or control of me.

“Lose my number.” I hung up and blocked his number before walking back into the kitchen.

Grant glanced up at me and smiled. I tried to return it but I knew that it fell flat.

“Everything okay?”

I forced a smile and nodded, “Yeah just a solicitor.”

He made a disgusted face. “I hate when they call, especially at this time.”

I tried to act unaffected, but my heart was racing. There was nothing Ryan could do right now. He had no rights since he abandoned me and Eli. I didn’t list him on the birth certificate for a reason. He’d have to fight to get anything. He was cheap. I knew he wouldn’t pay for a lawyer but he would do something petty just to hurt me. He’d done it before.

I thought about the papers that Grant had on his desk, the ones from the attorney. Maybe it was time I took a look at those and figured out what rights Ryan still had and what I needed to do to prepare myself to fight. There wasn’t a chance that he was getting custody or any visitation rights. Eli was my son alone and I was willing to fight with everything I had. I reached across the table and took Grant’s hand and squeezed. I would never ask him for help but just knowing that he was by my side made it seem possible.

I didn’t want to say anything to him quite yet. I didn’t want to react to Ryan. There wasn’t really anything to tell Grant anyway. I didn’t want to freak him out or cause additional stress for either of us right now. I just wanted to enjoy the moment. I wanted to enjoy him and me and Eli together and cherish this moment because with Ryan back in the picture who knew how long it was gonna last.

While I cleaned up the dishes Grant disappeared with Eli. It only took a few days for him to pick up on the bedtime routine and I wasn’t going to fight him on taking over a few of the steps. I’d never admit it out loud, but it was nice to have some help. Eli didn’t seem to fuss as much when Grant changed his diaper or gave him a bath or laid him down. Then again Grant was willing to rock him to sleep and let him play in the bubbles longer than I would.

It felt like we were a family. We already had the good cop, bad cop thing established, but I shouldn’t let myself think things like that. It wasn’t fair to anyone involved. We had worked up to a good place but it didn’t mean anything in the future was certain. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. Luckily, Eli was little enough that if things went south, he wouldn't remember. He might miss Grant for a few days but hopefully he’d forget about him soon.

I knew I couldn’t say the same for myself. I’d allowed myself to get used to him in my world. He’d wiggled his way into my life and my heart. Losing him would hurt more than anything I had ever experienced. I didn’t want to think like that but I’ve been hurt too many times before to not. I hated having those thoughts run through my mind. All the doubt and past pain had nothing to do with him.

I also didn’t want to think too far into the future and get my hopes up. I did that before too and it hadn’t ended well. I wish there was a way of knowing for certain what was gonna happen. A way of knowing the future before it happens and make times like this so much easier. It would help me to know how much I could open up, how much I should be willing to risk. How much I could share with him. How much I could rely on him. How much I could burden him.

I knew that he wanted us to have some sort of relationship but I didn’t really know what that meant for him. It didn’t feel like it was the right time to have the define the relationship talk, either.

What if he just liked dating? What if he just liked having me around? What if this was just casual for him?

I walked toward Eli’s room and watched Grant swaying side to side with a freshly changed Eli in his arms. Eli’s eyes were closed and I knew he’d be asleep in a few more seconds. Grant slowly stepped towards his crib and gently laid him down. He stared down at him for a few moments and I smiled to myself. That was something I loved to do too whenever I put Eli to sleep. There was something so innocent, so peaceful about watching a baby sleep. They had no worries or concerns. I envied him.

After a moment, Grant turned toward me and was startled when he saw me in the doorway. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing. I didn’t want to wake up Eli after all Grant’s hard work. I waved him toward me and led him back to the living room. I curled up on the couch and he sat right next to me.

“Thank you for doing that.”

His smile grew wider. “That’s my favorite thing in the whole world.”

I raise my eyebrow. “Really? It’s better than playing hockey?”

“Oh yeah! I would take a few nights putting him to sleep over playing in a championship game.”

This was it. This was the man of my dreams. Days and weeks and months had passed and little by little, I had that realization. Comments like that just solidified what I was starting to realize in my heart but there was no way of knowing how he felt. Not without bringing it up and I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for the rejection or the commitment, especially not with Ryan creeping back into the picture. I had to take care of that before I could move forward and who knew how long it would take.

But it was different this time. I had new friends and family in my corner. I knew they would support me more than my own flesh and blood had. I knew if I ever needed help I had twenty-three guys and their wives and girlfriends that would come rushing. That had been proven today.

Tears welled up in my eyes and Grant’s smile turned into a look of concern. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head feeling a little silly about getting emotional. “I was just thinking about today.”

His voice softened. “Did something happen? Did you hear of something that went wrong? What is it?”

I wiped my eyes. “It’s the fact that I could call you and I knew that you would come. I knew that the guys from the team would help.”

He looked unsure. “Why are you crying over that?”

I met his eyes. “I’ve never had something like this before.”