Page 19 of Open Net

Jackson was perfect. Everyone had said it at least a hundred times. I smiled and nodded, but inside felt numb. Not because of any medications. Not from the epidural. Emotionally there was nothing.

I was just plain tired.

I’d repeated that to myself a million times since I’d woken up. Coach and Marie were the only ones in the room and let me have time with Jackson alone before everyone, and I mean everyone, came into the room.

I followed the nurse’s instructions for skin to skin time. I worked with the lactation specialist to get him to latch. This part was going smoothly. Much better than the labor and delivery had.

I almost died. I shivered at the memory. During the C-section, I heard Jackson’s cries, then Olli left, then darkness. There was so much chaos then nothing. I thought in that moment I had died. Maybe it was medication or my brain’s self-defense, but something happened and then there was pure darkness and nothing else.

I closed my eyes and forced those thoughts away.

“I’m already so in love with him, Emma.”

I opened my eyes and smiled up at Kendall who was holding Jackson, her blonde curls bouncing as she did. Hartman stood behind her looking uneasy. I was glad his concussion wasn’t too bad. He seemed like his normal self, though his brown hair was messier than normal.

“Makes you want one of your own, right?” I teased. Hartman’s expression morphed into panic.

Kendall giggled. “Maybe one day.”

Hartman shook his head and looked to the other guys for support. Reese and Erik seemed comfortable with the baby, but Brassard and Noah appeared nervous anytime Jackson was within a few feet of them. I understood how they felt. Babies were intimidating, but newborns were in a league of their own. So tiny and fragile and wholly dependent on others to survive.

I’d felt that pressure blanket me the moment I opened my eyes and saw Olli holding our baby. A weight so heavy I was slow sinking. I wanted to be as excited as the rest of the Pride, but I couldn’t get over the responsibility.

“My turn.” Colby extended her arms in front of Kendall who pouted but passed him off.

Colby pulled her long honey-colored hair over her shoulder and took him in with expert motion. Something I hadn’t been able to do. I was clumsy and awkward and didn’t feel like I was doing it right.

“Colby, do you have little siblings?” My mind felt like it should know the answer, but it couldn’t find it.

“No, I just did a lot of babysitting in high school.”

I nodded, but it didn’t make me feel any better. Why wasn’t this maternal instinct coming naturally to me? Jackson was my own flesh and blood, but it just wasn’t clicking. I peered at my sweet baby, and felt nothing. No excitement. No joy. Just dread.

I listened to the chatter in the room but felt like I was far away. Like I was in another room hearing and seeing, but not really a part of it.

I’m just tired. I’ll feel better after I sleep.

I hoped that would be the case.

Our new nurse, Melanie, walked into the room and tsked at the number of people. She wasn’t as cheery as Kelly had been, but she’d taken great care of me and Jackson so I couldn’t complain.

“How are you feeling, Emma?” Melanie asked. “Any pain?”

I shook my head. “Feeling good.” They’d been generous with the pain killers since I woke up and I was blissfully unaware of the consequences of the surgery so far. I was going to take advantage of that for as long as possible. Any time I felt a tinge of pain, I pressed my happy little button and within moments I felt better.

Melanie smiled. “I got you the good stuff.”

I let out a laugh and immediately cringed. The action required stomach muscles and although I couldn’t feel the pain, my midriff clenched strangely.

“Are you feeling ready to eat yet?”

I should be starving. I hadn’t eaten in almost twenty-four hours, but the thought of food didn’t sit right. “Not quite.”

“Just let me know when you’re ready and we’ll get you a dinner ordered.”

“Thank you.”

She nodded and checked over the monitors before walking out.