Page 59 of Hidden Desires

“No, it isn’t,” Gerald says, voice sharp. “The browser logs say the same site was visited three times in four days. ‘Nubile Girls dot com.’ Once at 3 a.m too. You can’t tell me that the computer did that on its own at 3 a.m.”

I stare at the carpet, picturing exactly where in the site I was, and how sure I was that I’d wiped my tracks. Oh god, oh god. Why did I use the family computer? I was so stupid, but I was running out of memory on my laptop, and so I decided to do a quick fix on the family one downstairs. I’ve screwed up, bad. My cheeks burn, but I say nothing.

“Is this because you’re lonely?” Nancy says, her voice cracking. “Is it because your friends are all moved away, or because you’re not happy with us?”

“Mom, it’s not like that,” I mumble.

“Then what is it?” Dad snaps. “You think this is funny? Some joke? Do you think it’s okay to do whatever you’re doing on these sites in my house?”

He’s shouting now, and I can feel the neighbors’ ears pricking up across the cul-de-sac.

I take a breath, let it out slow. “It’s not a big deal, Dad.”

Gerald surges up from the chair. “It’s not a big deal?” He’s red, veins throbbing at his temples. “You are on camera! We know you are, Eliza! Don’t pretend because why else would a young girl like you be accessing a triple X streaming site! That’s what you’re doing! Stripping! Talking to perverts! Are you out of your goddamn mind?”

Nancy gasps and buries her face in her hands. “Please, Gerald, stop yelling⁠—”

He doesn’t stop. “You could ruin your whole life with this. If anyone finds out—if this gets to the wrong person—you’ll never get a real job. You’ll never get into law school. You’ll be humiliated, and so will we!”

I meet his eyes, even though my chest is caving in. “I’m not ashamed,” I say. “I don’t care if people know.”

My dad gapes at me, stunned. “Why? WHY would you do this?”

I feel something loosen inside me, something that’s been wound tight for years. “Because I want to,” I say in a defiant voice. “Because it pays. Because I’d rather make my own money than beg you for it. Because I don’t want to live at home forever because I can’t afford to live on my own!”

Gerald’s face goes slack, then hard. “You have no idea⁠—”

“I’m not apologizing,” I cut in, louder than I mean to. “It’s my body. My life. I can do what I want. I’m twenty-one years old, and not a child anymore.”

Nancy finally looks up, mascara pooling under her eyes. “Are you… is someone making you do this, Eliza? Are you being blackmailed, or threatened?”

I almost laugh. “No, Mom. It’s just me.”

“Is there a man?” Gerald demands. “Is some guy making you do this?”

I open my mouth to say no, but the words won’t come. Jack’s face floats up in my mind: the smile, the blue eyes, the calm that cuts through every storm I ever bring him. Suddenly, I feel safe telling the truth because I know my boyfriend has my back, no matter what.

“I’m seeing someone,” I say. “But he’s not making me do anything. He knows about the camming, and he supports me.”

Gerald sits back down, hard. “Who is he? Is it that gym guy you used to date? Is it someone at the law firm?”

I shake my head. “You wouldn’t approve of him.”

My dad shoots daggers at me.

“Try me.”

I look him dead in the eye, and it comes out clear and true. “I’m dating Jack Landry. Your friend.”

There’s a second of stunned silence, the kind that feels like the whole world’s holding its breath.

Then Dad’s voice, soft and lethal: “How long?”

“A few months now,” I say. “We’re in love, Dad. I know it’s weird, but I⁠—”

He’s up again, pacing the perimeter of the room. “That son of a bitch. He’s been grooming you. He’s been⁠—”

“He hasn’t!” I shriek, louder than I thought possible. “He never touched me when I was a kid. He never even looked at me that way until I was legal, until I made the first move.”