Page 106 of A Bookish Story

What’s happening now in my chest must be the result of my sedentary job mixed with the knowledge that nothing has changed because my heart is hurting just to see him. It’s racing and beating like it hasn’t in weeks because it just saw something it desperately wants. My heart wants to jump out from behind my rib cage and get Ryan.

“Nowhere. You were busy. Good panel.”

I close the distance between us. “Good panel? That’s all you have to say?”

“No. Actually, it was great. I enjoyed it. No notes. How have you been?”

I take a deep breath. “Pretty shitty, actually. Thanks for asking.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Well, you should be! It’s your fault.”

He cocks his head but does not respond. So, I march right up to him, standing inches from his warm body.

“Do you still love me, yes or no?”

He looks at me from under hooded eyelids. “Yes.”

“What? Yes?”

“That’s what I said. Nothing has changed for me.”

“But—”

A crowd approaches, people on their way to the next panel, which starts in five minutes. Ryan grabs my arm and pulls me aside. We wind up in a small nook. This moment reminds me of the time a bicyclist almost knocked me over and he pulled me out of the way. I’d felt so warm and cherished. I want to cry thinking of all the time we’ve lost.

“Luci,” he says. “I meant what I said. It’s not going to change. I never thought I’d feel this way again with a love that’s even stronger.”

“Then why did you just leave? Was it really to finish the book?”

“Yes and no. Look, I fell in love with you first. You were distracting me only because I couldn’t see how this could work. It was too painful. I wanted to let you go so you could be happy. It’s the most selfless thing I’ve ever done, so let me have that moment.”

I grab him by the lapels of his peacoat. “No! I will not let you have that moment. It was wrong. Did it ever occur to you that I love you, too?”

He blinks. “When did that happen?”

“I don’t know if it happened when you played the people game with me at the boardwalk, or when you pulled me out of the path of a bicyclist or when you accidentally flirted with me after your car accident. Maybe it was when you told me about your sister, and I understood why you’d want to write something strictly for the money. Maybe it was the first time you kissed me. Or maybe when the thought of dating anyone else made me cry. And I don’t want to be the woman that waits twenty years to finally get to be with the man she loves.”

“Don’t cry,” he says, wiping away a tear with his thumb because, yes, now I’m crying a little bit. “I guess things didn’t work out with your ex.”

“I broke up with him the same weekend you left. You have terrible timing! And why would you encourage me to stay with someone who was obviously not good for me?”

“Because you had to figure it out for yourself. Here’s the thing. From the beginning, we were not on equal footing. You were my research assistant, and do you know how many times I’ve had an assistant? Too many to count and I always behaved appropriately. Workplace romances are great in books, not so much in real life. I broke too many rules with you and I had to end one part of our relationship if we were ever going to have another. And that’s the only reason I walked away.”

This made a lot of sense and it fit with everything I already know about Ryan. He’s without a doubt, one of the most honorable and upstanding men I’ve ever known.

“But...you could have told me that.”

“I sent you flowers every week,” he said, studying the floor.

“That was you?”

I want to smack my forehead. Of course it was him. Sofia tried to tell me, even asking me to call the flower shop. I did, and they refused to tell me.

“That was me. I had to keep my distance but I thought maybe I’d at least keep you from forgetting me entirely.”

“But they had no note!”