Page 37 of Dare to Risk it All

To his mortification, Raphe flushed. Damn Bainbridge, he’d always been able to get under his skin like no one else had. “Go to the devil, Laurie.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” his friend demanded before clicking his fingers at the big mastiff, who was still regarding the parrot with wistful brown eyes. “Come, Thorn. You too, Raphe, you great clod pole. Help me get these wretched dogs back to the stables, and you can tell me what exactly you’ve been up to with Miss Cadogan along the way.”

Raphe let out a long-suffering sigh, but grabbed hold of one of Thorn’s wives by the collar. He didn’t want to explain himself to Bainbridge, of all people, but he knew better than to evade him. Bainbridge would get it out of him in the end.

“Come along, girl,” he muttered, and followed Bainbridge and Thorn back to the stables.

Greer found the quiet spot behind the potted palm where she’d hidden earlier and retreated there with a glass of lemonade. She told herself she was perfectly fine. Raphe had given her a glorious education in how wonderful such wickedness could be, and she ought to be grateful for that. She ought to be exceedingly grateful she wasn’t ruined. The dogs arriving when they did had been timely, and she realised that was something else she was glad for. She could not quite believe how close she had come to giving him her virginity. Thank goodness she hadn’t, for how worthless she would feel now after his words, and how full of regret? She did not want her first time to be a hasty coupling with a man who did not care for her, or at least, did not care enough to marry her. Greer did not believe Raphe was entirely indifferent to her, nor that he meant all that he’d said. For reasons she did not fully understand, his past filled him with self-loathing and, in his own clumsy fashion, he was trying to protect her. Perhaps it was time to heed his and Elspeth’s warnings and leave him be. Melancholy settled in her bones and the lavish ball around her, and all the joyous excitement of the Christmas season, only made her feel increasingly alone.

“Miss Cadogan?” Greer looked up to see the young man she had hidden from earlier in the evening had caught up with her. “Might I have the pleasure of this dance?”

He had a pleasant face and kind eyes, and looked like a well-bred, respectful gentleman, exactly the type a girl like her ought to wish to marry.

Greer forced a smile to her lips and set down her glass of lemonade. “Yes, of course. I’d be delighted to.”

Raphe watched Greer as she moved around the dancefloor with another man. She was as graceful as always, but the exuberance which had so enchanted him was missing now. His fault. The fellow was shorter than he was and had a youthful, almost boyish face which would not appeal to Greer, he assured himself. Though what right he had to jealousy he didn’t know. The fellow was gazing at her as if he held a goddess in his arms, as if she was precious.

He is holding a goddess, whispered a taunting voice in his head. She is everything you desire, and she could have been yours if you weren’t such a waste of space.

Panic rose inside him like a wave, smothering him. His chest was so tight it hurt to breathe. Christ, he wanted a drink. The urge to forget everything and lose himself in drink and bad behaviour was a wicked temptation. It was all too easy to escape reality in such a way and he’d done it too often, too many drinking binges following one after another. He’d been too close to never stopping at all that last time, his indulgence so profound he’d damn near killed himself. All around him people laughed, drinking endless glasses of champagne. A waiter moved past him, silver tray aloft, filled with sparkling glasses. Raphe snatched one up and stared at it. He realised he was shaking, knowing how reprehensible of him it would be to give in again, to lose himself in drunkenness and vice. The dark pit yawned before him, the magnetic pull of it fuelled by his despair. His friends would be disappointed in him, disgusted even. Perhaps they’d wash their hands of him. Rothborn certainly would. Raphe closed his eyes, willing the misery away, but he had already lost. His father had seen to that, destroying everything that mattered before he’d even had a chance. What was the point? Bad blood. He was his father’s son, that was all.

“Thank you, I’m spitting feathers,” said a cheerful voice as she plucked the glass from his hand.

Raphe jolted, blinking as he stared into eyes very like Greer’s, except these crinkled at the corners, laugh lines highlighting a face full of warmth and kindness.

“Mrs Cadogan,” he said, numb with shock.

“Call me Bonnie,” she said, smiling at him and setting down the glass she’d drained.

She gave a muffled hiccough and covered her mouth with her hand. “Oops. Drank it too fast,” she said, her eyes twinkling merrily.

Raphe laughed, wondering what his life might have been like if he’d had parents like Greer’s. Would he still have made such a mess of things? He frowned as she took his arm, staring up at him with an affectionate, motherly expression. “Take a turn about the room with me, there’s a dear.”

He hesitated, not wishing to offend but feeling like the worst kind of fraud. If this woman knew what he was guilty of, if she knew what he’d done with her daughter… shame flooded him and, to his horror, heat burned up his neck. Good God. Blushing? That was the second time tonight, and he hadn’t believed himself capable, not after everything he’d done.

“Yes,” Bonnie said, her tone dry, and she regarded him, her gaze intent now, too perspicacious. “I don’t doubt you’ve been a very bad boy. My daughters and I can never resist one of those. Still, there’s no escaping me. Come along.”

She tugged at his arm and Raphe had very little option but to go with her.

“Greer is very taken with you,” she observed, and Raphe could not look at her, though he still felt the weight of her gaze upon him like judgement.

“I can assure you I’ve done nothing to deserve her regard,” he replied, unable to do anything but offer her the truth as far as he was able.

“Nonsense. She’s a bright girl, far cleverer than I was at her age, and she’s an excellent judge of character. She gets that from me,” she added with a satisfied smile. “She sees something in you. So do I, if you want the truth. Rothborn certainly thinks you’ve hidden depths.”

Raphe snorted, unable to hear those words without a burst of bitter laughter. “Rothborn wishes me to the devil, I’m sure. I’m a great disappointment to him.”

“Now, now, none of that. He thinks no such thing, and wallowing in self-pity won’t do you a lick of good, you know. If you want to marry my daughter, you must buck up your ideas.”

Raphe staggered, almost tripping over his own feet.

Bonnie turned back to look at him and he stared at her in shock.

“Did… Did Greer…?” he began, uncertain how he felt about that, but his heart hammered behind his ribs.

Bonnie rolled her eyes. “Of course she didn’t. She’s hoping you’re thinking about such things but, unlike me, she is uncertain of how much sway she holds over you. No, whatever you said to her earlier has hurt her feelings and now she’s blue devilled. Which is why she’s dancing with every eligible young man in the room and looking like she’s on her way to the gallows, of course.”

Raphe swallowed down a burst of guilt, even as his heart rose at the realisation that her mother was right. She must be. She knew her daughter better than anyone.