Page 27 of Dare to be Wicked

He hesitated and she knew she was right.

“What about Ash and Vivien?” She gasped at the guilt she saw flare in his eyes. “Oh… Oh, my word. I should have realised, should have seen, but I never did see anything until it was staring me in the face, did I? I have no imagination, just as you always said. You always complained about it did you not? Lud, what a fool I must look.”

“No! No, Eliza, never that,” Cassius exclaimed, holding her hand tighter, but she snatched it away, unable to bear his touch. She was adrift, uncertain of what she should to do. All the things in her life she had believed to be certainties now appeared to have been built on sand, and her neat world had shifted beneath her feet.

“Leave me alone,” she said, appalled to discover she was going to cry. She wasn’t even certain why. Hadn’t she been questioning if Cassius was right for her, if he was really what she wanted? But it had all happened at once and she could not bear that everyone had known what she had not. How blind she had been.

“Eliza, don’t go. I… Oh, God, love, I’m so sorry. I should have told you at once, but—”

“Yes,” she said, holding onto her dignity by a thread. “Yes, you should.”

“Please understand….”

“No. No, I don’t wish to understand. Not yet. I will, I’m sure, but at this moment I want to be very angry, Cassius. So do me the very great favour of going away and leaving me be.”

She almost got the furious words out, but then her voice quavered, and so she picked up the heavy skirts of her riding habit and ran.

Chapter 9

Dear Aunt Helena,

How I wish you were here. I sorely need some advice. I am so angry and confused, but I am afraid I’m angry with the wrong person and for the wrong reasons. My world is being turned upside down, and it frightens me. I do not know what to do, or even what I want.

I know Uncle Gabe’s work is keeping you from Holbrook, but I do hope you will come soon.

― Excerpt of a letter to Lady Helena Knight from Lady Elizabeth Adolphus.

1st July 1838, Bodiam Castle, Robertsbridge.

Lottie hurried over to Eliza as she saw her storming towards the horses.

“Eliza, what is it? Whatever is wrong?”

“Nothing,” Eliza said, which was patently untrue. “Help me mount, would you?”

Lottie gaped, wondering how on earth to do that.

“But you can’t just leave!”

“Watch me,” Eliza retorted, such fury glinting in her eyes Lottie was taken aback.

Eliza never lost her temper. Not ever. She did, but not Eliza; she was too sweet-natured, too calm, too—

“Are you just going to watch, or are you going to help me?”

Lottie started, staring at Eliza in alarm. “If… If you really want me to, but Eliza, you must tell me—”

“Cassius doesn’t want to marry me, and it appears everyone knew it but me.”

Lottie swallowed as Eliza’s furious green gaze settled on her, and the bitter laugh that followed made her heart hurt.

“Et tu, Brute?” Eliza said, shaking her head.

The flush that burned Lottie’s cheeks was fuelled by guilt and misery, and she wanted nothing more than to curl up and die of shame. “Oh, Eliza, I—”

“Don’t.” Her sister held up a hand in warning. “Just… not now. We’ll speak later, I promise, but at this moment if I cannot get away and be on my own, I feel I might well do something rash. Please, Lottie. Help me.”

Lottie nodded, for how could she not? She hated herself, hated that Eliza had been hurt, and humiliated—at least in her own eyes—and hated that she might have played a part in Cassius’s change of heart. How could she ever admit her feelings for him now, when Eliza was so obviously in pain?