Page 37 of To Dance with a Devil

I thought I’d best write and tell you at once. I’ve gotten myself into a dreadful fix, just as you warned me I would. There’s no getting out of it, Jaz. I’ve been such a bloody fool in my life until now, and I know you won’t understand this, but I thank God for it.

If I hadn’t acted so badly, I would never have ruined Bonnie, would never have gotten a babe on her - yes, do you despise me? - and she might have gone back to Scotland and married Gordon bloody Anderson before I realised the truth.

I went to get her, to do the honourable thing and marry her and all the way there I felt like a lamb to the slaughter, such a burden of responsibility weighed me down. How appalling to have a wife I’d not wanted and a child too. A child? Me? I wanted to weep with terror I was in such a panic.

And there I was, proposing to her, when this huge bloody Highlander comes barging in and threatens to take Bonnie away from me, because she’d been promised to him by Morven.

Jasper, I’ve never been so afraid in all my life.

Suddenly it was so clear to me, what my life would be like if Bonnie was not a part of it. It was bleak and empty and devoid of life and laughter. I’ve been wretched these past weeks without her, but it was only in the moment I feared I would lose her that I understood why. I love her. I love her with all my heart, and I beg that you will forgive me for the scandalous way I’ve gone about this but if you must punish someone, punish me.

Bonnie is not so tough as she appears. She’s been so alone her whole life and she’s desperate for a family. She needs to be loved and accepted, and if she feels you are ashamed of her, it will hurt her terribly, more than you can realise, and that would kill me. Please make her welcome, no reproaches, I beg of you. This is all my doing, not hers, and I want to make her happy more than anything.

Forgive me for rambling on so, and for talking of feelings may God forgive me. Wish me happy Jaz.

Your ever dreadful brother,

J

Jerome slammed the bedroom door behind them and pulled Bonnie into his arms, staring down at her. There was anxiety in his heart, though how there was room for it he couldn’t understand. How stupid he’d been for such a long time, how blind. He’d longed for her company all the time they’d been apart, but he’d thought he’d just missed his friend, missed their madcap adventures. None of his other friends amused him like Bonnie did, none of them made him glad to be doing whatever it was they were doing, whether it be one of her diabolical schemes or just sitting, talking and laughing. God, she made him laugh like no one else ever had. He’d never realised, though, never even suspected that she’d been stealing into his heart a little farther every day.

He’d not realised it right up to the moment she’d told Gordon Anderson that they were not engaged to be married. She’d not wanted to marry him either, of course, though Jerome could hardly blame her; the fellow was barely civilised. Yet, the man knew Bonnie well, and she him, and terror had struck Jerome’s heart at the dreadful possibility that she might run back home and be among those she knew.

He’d been an utter bastard to announce her condition in front of Anderson, the man she’d been promised to by her guardian, but he’d not been about to risk losing her. She was his, his child was even now growing inside of her, and the thought of that made tenderness well up inside him until his throat grew tight. They’d made a child and, though the idea still made his heart thud with fear, it was not the same now. It was fear of failing to be all that he wanted to be for his child when he felt such a swell of love for them already, a wave of protectiveness sweeping over him so fierce his vision blurred.

“Bonnie,” he said, pulling her to him and kissing her with everything he had, everything he felt, fighting to keep his emotions in check as happiness and desire rose inside him. He’d already made a mull of this. A shabby hole-in–the-wall affair of a wedding when she’d no doubt dreamed of a church and a pretty dress, and her friends wishing her well. He’d do better from now on, he swore it. He was to be a husband and a father, and he’d make certain he could be relied upon. Not that he was about to become dull and boring, Bonnie would hate him if he did that. His father had been both a charming rogue and a loving husband and father. Now, there was a fine example of a man. Jerome’s heart ached with the need to speak to his father. He’d know just what to do, what to say, but never mind. He wasn’t a boy any longer; he’d figure it out a bit at a time. No doubt he’d make a lot of mistakes, but Bonnie would forgive him because she loved him.

Yet there was a tiny corner of his heart that doubted it. She wasn’t happy. He knew it, despite the laughter and the way she looked at him with her heart in her eyes. She was pretending, and he didn’t know why. Was it simply the baby? No doubt she was terrified. He certainly was. Being a father was daunting enough, but thinking of all the things that might go wrong during the birth made his blood run cold. What if he lost her?

He held her tighter, as if he could keep the world at bay and protect her from everything with his embrace.

“Oh, love, you’re mine. There’s no getting away now.” He pulled back and grinned at her, holding her sweet face between his hands. “Mrs Cadogan,” he said, kissing her nose. “How well that sounds, and how lovely you are, but you’re wearing too many clothes.”

“Well, help me do something about it, then,” she said, saucy as ever.

Jerome spun her around and began unbuttoning and unlacing and throwing garments hither and yon until she was naked before him. His breath caught as he stared down at her, and he placed the palm of his hand over her stomach.

“My son,” he said, his voice reverent.

“Your daughter,” she corrected, and he laughed and then frowned as he saw the change in her.

“You’ve lost weight.”

She grinned and turned in a circle for him. “I have. At least I’m slim for my wedding night, but you’d best make the most of it. I’ll be fat as a whale soon enough. Well, more so than usual.”

“Bonnie,” he said, grabbing hold of her wrist and tugging her closer. “You’re beautiful, and you ought not be worrying about such things. Certainly not now, and never on my account.” He cupped one full breast and his body tightened with anticipation at the soft, warm weight against his palm. “I love your curves. You’re gorgeous. Perfect.”

She laughed and shook her head. “Stop trying so hard. We’re married, for heaven’s sake, and you never felt the need to woo me before, so there’s no reason on earth to bother now.”

“I mean it,” he began, disturbed by her manner, but then she pressed her body against his and tugged at his neck, pulling his mouth down to meet hers, and anything he might have said was lost in the frantic thundering of his heart and the need to be inside her, now, at once.

This, his heart cried as they tumbled to the bed, this was what love felt like. It was so easy with her; no pretences, no games. She’d given herself to him fully and unashamedly from the start, but he’d been too stupid to recognise what he held in his arms. No longer. It had taken him a while to come to his senses, but he was alert now and he knew how rare this was, how real this was, how different from anything else he’d ever known.

He joined them together and the pleasure of it was so fierce he wanted to weep and to laugh all at once. It was overwhelming… everything he felt for her, for their child. It was more than he could contain, more than he could ever express, but he did his best, worshipping her with his body as he’d promised to do when they’d spoken their vows. I’ll make you happy, he promised her silently as she cried out his name and shattered beneath him. I’ll love you both and keep you both safe and make you happy. I swear it.

Chapter 14

Dear Jerome,