Page 27 of To Wager with Love

Harriet let out a little breath of laughter and took her spectacles off to wipe her eyes with a handkerchief before looking back at Matilda. “I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember.”

“Oh, Harriet,” Matilda said, her heart aching.

Harriet’s lip trembled, but she gave a resolute shake of her head. “No. Don’t be nice to me or I shall start the water works all over again and I refuse to. I’ve spent too many years crying over that man, and I swore I’d never do it again. Not… Not again,” she added, her voice quavering.

“What happened?”

It took a while for Harriet to reply and Matilda waited, allowing the girl time to gather her thoughts.

“He never saw me, not really. All the time we were growing up he’d drag me here and there with Jerome and Henry, but… but I always felt like I was a prop. You know, like a toy gun if they were playing soldiers, or a telescope or treasure chest if it was pirates. I was rescued, fought over, captured, and kidnapped more times than I can count. Always a passive role, naturally,” she said rolling her eyes. “No matter how I protested. Not that it was so bad; I just took a book with me and learned to ignore all the shouting.”

Matilda’s mouth quirked with amusement, imagining an indignant little Harriet with pigtails and a boyish Jasper dressed as a pirate. Harriet caught her expression and laughed a little.

“It was all rather idyllic if I’m honest, though I seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time covered in mud or falling in the lake. At least they fished me out again, I suppose.”

“And then…?” Matilda prompted.

“And then….” Harriet repeated, her eyes taking on a misty, far away expression. “I was sixteen, and more hopelessly in love with Jasper than ever before. Oh, Matilda, he was so beautiful, even then. Like some pagan god, all golden perfection. He was almost nineteen, and naturally a devastating hit with every female for miles around. They were all in love with him, from the kitchen maids to all the eligible young ladies. He need only crook his finger and they’d fall at his feet. They still do,” she added with a sigh.

Matilda nodded, understanding how difficult it must have been for Harriet to watch Jasper grow up and grow away from her as he tumbled from one amorous adventure to the next. His reputation might not be the full truth of who he was, as his mother was adamant to prove, but neither had he gained it for no reason.

“He’d refused to go to university,” Harriet said with a frown, her voice illustrating her perplexity.

Matilda could understand that too, though she held her tongue. Harriet would have given her right arm for such a chance, but such things were forbidden for women.

“His father was at his wits’ end with what to do with him,” she carried on. “He’d gotten into so much trouble during his last term and the earl worried what mischief such a young, handsome, and wealthy man could get himself into, if not given some guidance, something to occupy him. A Grand Tour was out of the question with the war raging, so he decided Jasper should go to Russia, to visit his mother’s family. His grandmother was Russian, you see.”

Matilda nodded, waiting for Harriet to continue, but the young woman was silent, twisting the handkerchief she held back and forth in her hands. At length she spoke again.

“I knew he’d be away for almost a year, which… well, it seemed like a lifetime. So, I spent the weeks before his departure trying to get up the courage to say… something. Only I couldn’t. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I bought him a diary to record his travels in and… and I got a friend of mine to draw a likeness of me and… and stuck it between the pages. I thought at least that way he might be reminded of me, from time to time.”

“That’s sweet,” Matilda said, smiling.

Harriet snorted. “It was pointless. I doubt he even knew it was there. To my knowledge he never wrote a word about his travels. Anyway….” she said, taking a deep breath. “It was the day he was due to leave, and I was beside myself. I thought my heart would break at having to be without him for so long, and… and I knew he didn’t even care, except….”

“Except?”

“He was travelling to the port with another young man he knew from school, who was calling for him later that morning. I pitied him that. According to my brother, Peter Winslow was a vile, sneaky creature, but his father was travelling with Jasper as his guide because he had business interests in Russia, and Jasper was staying at their house overnight before he sailed. Happily, Peter wasn’t going; his mother said his constitution wasn’t strong enough to endure Russian weather. Just as well, as he’d have made Jasper’s life intolerable… such an oily creature he was. Anyway, I told Jasper that I had a gift for him, and we went for a walk, down to the summerhouse. I made some excuse about having left it there but in truth I wanted to be alone with him….”

Matilda waited, leaning forward with anticipation as she realised she was dying to know what had caused this terrible rift between the two of them, hoping that if she knew she could help them mend it.

“And he was so pleased, far more than the diary warranted and… and the next thing I knew he… he kissed me.” Harriet swallowed, her eyes filling with tears. “It was such a kiss, Matilda, so… so tender, and he told me not to go marrying anyone else while he was gone.” She gave a mirthless laugh and wiped her eyes with the mangled handkerchief. “As if anyone would ever ask me!”

Matilda reached out and took Harriet’s hand, giving it a squeeze.

“Anyway,” Harriet said, shaking off her misery and straightening her spine. “Winslow arrived, and we had to go back to the house. Jasper couldn’t say anything more to me with everyone was around, and I convinced myself that was the only reason he said nothing more. I asked him to write to me and let me know how he was getting on, and I promised to write in return.”

Matilda waited as Harriet gathered her thoughts once more.

“His mother and father were travelling down to wave him off, and Lady St Clair is dreadfully forgetful. Just as they were due to leave, she remembered she’d left the book she’d wanted to take, inside on the consul table. Well, of course she would have asked a maid, but I was getting tearful and trying hard to hide it, so I ran back inside for her to take a moment for myself. As I came back, Jasper and Peter were on the doorstep and the door was ajar, they didn’t know I was there.”

Matilda waited, a sudden tightness in her throat.

“Peter made some remark about me being a strange creature, about me having always followed Jasper about like a puppy and asking if he had any interest there and Jasper, he… he gave this odd laugh, as though Peter were mad for thinking such a thing. Then he looked back at Peter and his voice was so cold, his expression full of disgust. Don’t be ridiculous, he said, as if I’d be interested in Harriet, and he walked off down the stairs.”

“Oh, Harriet.” Matilda got to her knees in front of her and held her hand as the girl dissolved into tears.

With a tremendous effort of will Harriet calmed herself once more.