Page 43 of Last Chorus

I slowly lower my hands, turning my back to him at the same time so I can stay sane. “Not at the moment, no. Why? What else do I need to be humiliated about?”

“Absolutely nothing,” he says, quick and firm. “I just wondered if you knew how you got here.”

I shake my head. Panic creeps back in. “Do you know where my phone is? I really need it.”

I listen to the familiar sound of him pulling on a shirt, then his soft footsteps approaching me. They pause a few feet away.

“Your phone is in the kitchen, but before you bolt, listen for a sec. Everything is okay. After you passed out, Rye and Lily came back to the party. Lily stayed with you while I went outside to meet my driver. Rye found Clay and told him they were bringing you here. He was fine with it.”

Too relieved to acknowledge the edge in his voice, I whisper, “Thank God.”

His following sigh is weighted with intent. A whole different level of anxiety ripples through me, shortening my breath.

“Evangeline…”

Turning fast, I dart around him toward the bathroom. “About to pee my pants, sorry!”

After closing the door and locking it, I brace my hands on the vanity and try to catch my breath. My body shakes intermittently, cramping with so much tension that my bladder has gone into hiding. The mirror tells me I look as bad as I feel. My bloodshot eyes are ringed by melted makeup. A section of my hair sticks up in defiance of gravity, the rest flattened and tangled in chunks. My skin is grayish-white, my lips bloodless.

There’s a soft thud on the door that I instinctively know is from Wilder’s forehead meeting the wood. Sure enough, his low voice slips around the frame and curls into my ears.

“I know about what happened in the limo. Why you got so drunk.”

Another thud.

“This might make you hate me again, but I have to say it. Juggling lies, partitioning off parts of yourself, avoiding the truth screaming in your gut… it’s no way to live. I should know. I also know how scary it is to break free of the bullshit and let it all go. Feels kind of like jumping without a parachute. But you can take your life back.”

There’s a long pause. My stomach churns, and it’s not from the hangover this time. I can feel what’s coming, sense it in the same way you smell ozone between lightning strikes.

Because no matter how drastically storms have altered our topography as adults, the structure of us as children still stands. Within those unassailable walls, Wilder remains my silent protector and reluctant hero. Challenging me to be brave even as he tries to shelter me from pain. And always, always finding me when I’m lost.

“I’ve broken promises to you, Evangeline. I broke us. I’ll never forgive myself for it. I don’t expect you to forgive me, either. But you have to know… even if you don’t want me to be, I’m in your corner. Forever. That’s one promise I will never, ever break.”

There’s a final thud of his forehead on the door before his footsteps move away.

I don’t know how long I stand there unmoving, covered in goosebumps and staring blankly at the door. It could be a minute or ten before Lily knocks and tells me she’s leaving a change of clothes on the bed, and that I’ll find toiletries, including ibuprofen, under the sink.

Her calm voice cracks the plaster on my limbs. I open the door, stalling her retreat from the room.

“I’m sorry, Lily. For so much. The Indigo meeting and what I said to you after. Shutting you out. Being a shit friend and godmother. I’ve never wanted to leave Glow. I’m not leaving Glow. I just…”

My voice hits an emotional blockage in my throat.

Her chin quivers before firming. “I’m sorry, too. I haven’t been a good friend to you, either. I was too wrapped up in my own life to see what was going on, and I wasn’t there when you needed me.”

“W-what are you talking about?”

But I already know. I fucking know because like Wilder said, it’s the truth screaming in my gut. The one I’ve been terrified to face for longer than I can admit to myself.

“I’m talking about Clay. He’s abusive. Some part of you must know that.”

My chest tightens, burning. More pieces of the walls I’ve been dismantling rip free, falling and shattering. Tears fill my eyes. Suddenly dizzy, I grab the doorframe.

Then I force out probably the hardest words I’ve ever had to speak.

“I know.”

Lily’s expression softens, the sympathy in her eyes half balm, half acid on my heart.