Page 78 of Minha Dona

“We’ve touched on it before, but being dominant is… it takes energy. Constant attention, constant calibration. Reading someone, holding their trust, being responsible for their pleasure and their safety. I love it, it’s who I am, but it’s exhausting sometimes. And I need a partner who understands that. Who can see when I’m tired, when I need to stop being in charge, when I need to kneel for them instead.” Helena looked at the ocean. The dark waves caught the lights from the restaurant. “Juliana gave me that sometimes. The switching. But that was different because she became the dominant all the time. She wasn’t the same as having a partner who does it because they know me, because they can feel when I need it and do it without needing to check with me first.”

Caitlin was quiet for a moment. “How can I give you that?”

“Sunday night you did. That was perfect. The way you took the initiative and…” She lowered her voice to a whisper. “…and totally claimed me. It was amazing and exactly what I needed. You didn’t do it because I asked, you did it because you sensed I needed it. That’s what I’m talking about.”

“I did sense it. You’d been in charge all day, and it was incredible. But that night, lying there, I could feel how tightly wound you still were. I thought: she needs to let go. And I wanted to be the one to help you.”

“That’s exactly it. That’s what I need. But one thing…”

“Anything.” Caitlin was watching her intently.

“It doesn’t just have to be in bed. It can be any time. You can decide it’s time and we switch.”

“How do you mean?”

“Like, we could be in a shop or out for dinner, and if you see that I need it you should do it. And I’ll obey. Instantly.”

“Your philosophy,” Caitlin replied. “That me as the submissive is the true dominant.”

Helena grinned and raised her glass to Caitlin. “You’ve been paying attention.”

Caitlin raised her glass too. “I can do that. Definitely. Not often, of course, but when I do I will.”

“Perfeita.” Helena looked at Caitlin. “Your turn. What do you need?”

Caitlin’s thumb moved absentmindedly across Helena’s knuckles as she thought. “I need to be seen. All of me, not just the highly competent version that the world sees. I spent years building this persona as the force of nature and it worked, professionally at least. I thought that that was all that I needed… be the strong one, the reliable one, the one who never breaks.” She shook her head. “You showed me how exhausted I was, and how alive I could feel breaking free.”

“The whole of you is magnificent, Caitlin. I spent weeks working for you knowing that. I wish more people could see how amazing you really are.”

“I need someone who values me, too. Not tolerates me or indulges me or spoils me… values me. Zoe saw the submissive in me and wanted to own it. She wanted to control everything. You see the submissive in me and want to cherish it. That’s different.”

“It’s very different.”

“I need my independence. I need my partner to trust me to live my own life, to be someone who doesn’t need to control my schedule or my friendships or my career. Who gives me structure when I want it and freedom when I need it.”

“I could never take your independence. Your independence is something that is so attractive about you.”

“Really? You think?”

“Absolutely.”

Caitlin smiled. “One other thing… I need warmth. I didn’t know that about myself until recently. I got all the warmth I could want from Zoe when she was happy with me, but when she was unhappy she was ice cold. I thought when I was seeing her that I needed intensity, that I needed to be overwhelmed, because that first experience I had of submission with you in Houston was so intense that I thought that was all there is to it. But what I actually need is warmth. Laughter. Someone who ties me up and spanks me and makes me climax harder than I ever have in my life, and then makes me laugh about making dinner together ten minutes later.”

Helena laughed. “I can do laughing about making dinner.”

“You can do all of it.” Caitlin’s expression was serious beneath her smile. “Everything I just described, you do it naturally. You might make me do it naked while you’re clothed, granted… that’s so, so hot by the way… but you see me, you give me independence, you cherish the parts of me that other people don’t even know exist. And you’re warm.” She squeezed Helena’s hand. “Nobody has ever been as warm with me as you are.”

“I want to be warmer.”

“Then be warmer.” Caitlin held her gaze. “I’m not going anywhere.”

They sat in silence for a long few moments, the conversation they’d just had settling over them. It just got serious, Helena thought, and in a very good way. I knew I was in this for the long haul, but I know she is too. Whatever we have to do, however we do it, she’s worth it.

Jorge appeared to clear their plates and offer a digestif, which they declined, and then they were alone again at their table on the terrace with the ocean and the candle.

Helena paid, over Caitlin’s protests, and they walked out of the restaurant into the warm night. The town was quieter now, the bars closing. A few couples walked along the waterfront. The moon was up, nearly full, painting a silver path across the ocean.

“Beach?” Helena suggested.