Page 10 of Puck You Both

"Mhm." He holds the squint a second longer than I'd like. Becker's squint is a diagnostic tool, and right now it's running a full scan. Then he drops back into his seat, resumes yelling at Groover, and I'd feel relieved if I believed that he bought it.

He didn't buy it.

I turn back to the window. Wisconsin offers me an hour of darkness and zero distractions, and my brain, helpful as ever, cues the tape from the top.

Long ride.

***

BACK HOME, I run my routine, because the routine is what's going to save me. Chicken and rice into containers. Stretch. Hydrate. Twenty minutes in, I catch myself standing over the sink with a fork in my hand, food untouched, replaying the exact angle of Patrick's wrist.

This is hopeless.

I pull out my phone. Looks like no amount of distraction is going to save me. Not anytime soon, anyway, and I won’t risk the season just because I kept thinking about…stupid shit. Might as well get it over with.

I navigate to my browser and immediately enter incognito mode, like I’m not a grown man with a mortgage about to ask a completely normal question.

Then I ask it.

Is it normal to watch

I lock my phone before autocomplete can finish that sentence for me.

They should build phones that detect this and burst into flames as a courtesy.

Okay, regroup.

It's a reasonable question. People ask questions. Asking is healthy.

I unlock it back.

Watching people normal??

The results are a parenting blog about screen time and an article titled "Is People-Watching a Hobby?" Not helpful, Google.

Finally, I swallow my pride and refine my search.

Voyeurism but make it not weird.

First result: Voyeurism: When Watching Becomes a Problem.

Great.

Love that for me.

I don't open the link. Doing so means I have a problem, and I don't have a problem, I have a data point. One data point. One incident of standing in a doorway for two minutes while two men—

My fingers are tapping away again. I watch them do it.

Why did I like watching two m

I stop.

I look at the half-finished sentence.

I delete it. Letter by letter, which takes longer, which is the point.

Then I power off, carry it into my bedroom, set it on the nightstand, shut the bedroom door on it, and walk back to my kitchen, where I stand in the dark and take stock of my life.