Page 59 of Where the Wattles Bloom

But not Lachlan. He got up, came around to her side, pulled the chair out beside her, placed his palms on the table and calmly cut to the chase.

‘Is this about Archie?’

‘Yes.’ Her breath caught as more tears brimmed in her eyes. Archie. He’d said Archie. Not the baby. Or the pregnancy. ‘And the multiple fertilised eggs that never ever implanted or only lasted a few days or weeks no matter what drugs or latest scientific wizardry they used.’

Not to mention that, at thirty-six, she was considered a geriatric pregnancy. They didn’t officially call it that anymore—advanced maternal age was now the preferred term—but she knew she was at increased risk of miscarriage.

And then there was the other baby. The one she couldn’t talk about. The one they’d sucked from her body before the convenience of a pill had revolutionised abortion, when she’d been a scared-shitless fifteen-year-old. The one her therapist was sure she’d been punishing herself over, ever since.

The one a small part of her was convinced the universe had been punishing her over, ever since.

‘You think it—’ He stopped for a second and corrected himself. ‘The baby. Isn’t going to … stick?’

Her heart heavy, Rowena slid her hand over the top of his, and her heart skipped a beat when he turned his palm, entwining his fingers with hers.

‘I know it’s not, Lachy.’

She broke it as gently as she could, aware in this moment that it was no longer just about her. This was his baby and it would be his loss as much as hers.

‘Maybe,’ he said with a squeeze of his hand, ‘it will this time?’ Smiling gently, he shrugged. ‘Stranger things have happened.’

Rowena returned his smile, if a little wanly, as Lachlan unknowingly echoed his grandmother. Yes, it was true, miraculous stories of babies after years of infertility did happen. As a midwife, and a NICU nurse, she’d been a witness to a few. But she knew they weren’t as common as the media would have people believe.

And she couldn’t buy in to the fantasy.

‘Sure,’ she conceded. ‘But I just … can’t think like that. I can’t … hope.’ Her eyes beseeched him, needing him to understand. ‘The other side of hope is this gaping, horrible void, and I can’t go there again.’

She’d recently escaped another horrible void, and Rowena was done with them.

More hot tears came and, without speaking a word, Lachlan drew her in for a hug. She sat stiffly for a moment but within moments she was melting into him, burying her face in his neck. Shutting her eyes, she inhaled the earthy aromas she was fast coming to associate with Lachlan.

Dust. Hay. Dog. Wool.

‘Okay,’ he soothed, his warm hand a solid comfort between her shoulder blades. ‘Let’s just take it one day at a time, shall we?’

Rowena nodded, sniffling into his neck. That was the only way forward, because if she looked ahead she’d plan.

She’d hope.

‘I’ll be with you every step of the way.’

His soothing assurance made Rowena realise she hadn’t even asked Lachlan how he felt about any of this, which was exceedingly selfish. True, she didn’t really have the capacity right now to process much, but that didn’t mean his feelings should be ignored.

Pulling out of his embrace, she scrubbed her hands over her face to dry the tears. ‘Oh god, I’m sorry, I haven’t even asked you how you feel about the situation. You come in here, I make you wee on a stick, then I not only disgrace myself by hurling everywhere but also crying all over you. You’ve had this news dumped in your lap and I’ve made this all about me.’

‘It’s fine,’ he dismissed. ‘I get this has been a shock.’

‘Maybe. But that’s no excuse. So, come on … talk to me.’

He searched her face for a beat or two before giving a self-deprecating laugh. ‘Well … it’s taking a bit to wrap my head around, to be honest. Up until today, I was pretty certain I couldn’t even father a child, so—’

‘Yes.’ Rowena frowned. She’d never prosecuted that topic with him. Given it was patently untrue, it was as good a time as any. ‘Why is that?’

Another beat or two passed. ‘I … had testicular cancer when I was eighteen.’

‘Oh god.’

Rowena sat up straight. She certainly hadn’t expected that. She tried to remember if she’d noticed anything missing when they’d been naked together, but it’d been dark and there hadn’t exactly been a lot of foreplay going on.