Page 386 of Coal Hearts

So what if I’d drowned in ravenous devotion while she’d begged me to stop?

So what if I didn’t stop?

So what if I used her?

I’d told her I would.

She was my slave.

She said it herself that was all she’d ever be.

I did nothing wrong!

So why did everything feel so fucked up?

That kiss.

That goddamn kiss ruined everything.

Ah, Christ...

Raking both hands through my hair, I choked with a gush of nausea.

Daxton almost raped her tonight.

He’d tried and failed.

But me?

I’d succeeded.

I didn’t stop.

I stumbled again, punched and kicked by the truth.

I didn’t stop.

I hadn’t stopped when I took her against her will in Victor’s dead zoo either.

This is what I am.

This is what I wanted.

So why did I choke on shame? Why did I break beneath grief and guilt and grotesque self-hatred?

Because of that motherfucking kiss!

The moment her tongue touched mine, I’d hoped.

The second she opened wide, I swore her heart reached out to mine. There’d been something. Something transcendental. Something ethereal and sacred and—

Christ, you’re a fool.

Completely screwed in the head.

She didn’t kiss me back.

She fought me off!