Page 80 of When the Laird Conquers

“Is that truly so bad?” she asked no one at all, for Lizzy was fast asleep in the nursery, Iona had retired hours ago, and Gordon had been keeping his distance.

Or, rather, Agnes had been keeping her distance from him, to avoid the pain and panic that might set in if they spoke again.

“We would have companionship,” she reasoned. “That is not nothing. And we could still kiss and… do other things. And do I really want children of my own?”

She was in the novel situation of having already acted like a mother, so she knew how hard it was: the sleepless nights, the feeds, the piercing sound of a baby’s cries, the dirt and chaos of it all, as well as the loveliness of seeing a child grow and doting on that child with all of her heart.

“It is a beautiful dress,” she murmured.

The scarlet gown for the cèilidh had been set aside for now. The poor seamstress was probably at her wit’s end, having been forced to make two elaborate dresses in as many weeks. And not just two, but the countless others that Iona had insisted on so that Agnes could try on as many as possible.

But for her wedding gown, she had chosen a buttery yellow silk. Not muted but not ostentatious like the cèilidh gown, just an elegant fabric and an elegant design that fitted her like a glove. The hems were edged with gold lace, and tiny flowers were embroidered across the surface, the spangles glittering when she moved.

What is the use of a pretty wedding dress if the marriage is doomed to be a sham?

She puffed out a strained breath, turned away from the gown, and began to pace.

Tonight was the last night she had a say in how her life proceeded, and she still couldn’t come to a clear conclusion. Her thoughts were conflicted, her head and her heart at war with one another.

She was so lost in her confusion that she did not notice the figure in the doorway, not at first. It was only when she glanced across at the clock on the dresser that she saw him leaning against the doorjamb, watching her intently.

Her heart jumped, but she did not.

“Have you never heard that it is bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?” she said curtly.

Gordon smirked. “I was more concerned with ye ruinin’ me floors with all that pacin’.”

She didn’t smile at his jest. She didn’t have it in her, not with her entire being in utter turmoil.

Instead, she halted her pacing and looked hard at him. “Should I be your bride at all?”

“What?” He frowned.

“Tell me what to do, Gordon, because I haven’t the faintest notion, and it is ripping my mind apart,” she croaked. “Should I go back to England? Should I accept that I will never be married and be a spinster at my father’s house, raising my niece? Or do I stay?”

He didn’t answer her. Perhaps he couldn’t.

“I cannot bear this anymore,” she insisted, her hand settling on her hip as she drew in a shaky breath. “One moment, everything is perfect, and I think I know where I stand; the next, it all disintegrates, and I am left feeling… adrift. I would never begrudge you your grief and your promises, but… Oh, I don’t even know what I am saying. It is just that… we haven’t spoken in days, and we are supposed to get married tomorrow? It doesn’t make any sense.”

Despite the loose fabric of her nightdress, she felt as if it were suffocating her, her ribs squeezing, her chest tightening as though she had on the most constricting corset ever made.

Gordon pushed off the doorjamb and gestured to the gown that hung from the armoire. “Is that what ye mean to wear tomorrow?”

She nodded.

“Wear it,” he demanded.

“What?”

He moved closer. “Wear it for me, Sunshine. I ken ye’re strugglin’, and I ken I cannae give ye what ye want, but… put the dress on for me. An experiment, if ye will.”

“An experiment?” she rasped.

She might have thought he was toying with her if his expression had not been deadly serious, no hint of a smirk or a jest on his face.

“Put it on, lass,” he urged.

Wary of the logic in all of this, she slowly began to unbutton her nightdress, transporting herself back to the night she had lost at cards. All the while, she held his gaze and watched as hunger gleamed in his eyes, his teeth grazing his lower lip as he took in her naked body.