Page 78 of When the Laird Conquers

Tilting her head to the side, she risked a smile. “I would not be sure of that, Gordon. Perhaps you already are the husband that I want. You were right when you said there was no other man who could protect me and Lizzy like you can.”

He leaned back against the wall and turned his gaze up to the sky, his chest falling with another long sigh. “Ye’re a young lass, ye’ve never been wed before. Surely, ye want a husband who’ll touch ye, love ye, give ye children of yer own?”

An odd, sinking feeling caught her unawares. “And… that is not you?”

“Nay, lass. It can never be me.” He lowered his gaze back to her. “That paintin’ ye saw the other night. Ye asked about the bairn in it, who it was.”

“It was your son?”

“Aye, in a way.”

“What do you mean?”

He grimaced as if in pain. “It’s what I imagined he might look like, but I never got to meet him.” He paused. “There was a lass, a friend of mine. I’d ken her all me life.”

A small prickle of jealousy jabbed at Agnes’s heart.

“She was the healer’s daughter,” he continued. “Katherine, her name was. We grew up together, and for a time, she was me only friend. Anyway, we got older, she became a gifted healer, and I went away to fight me faither’s wars. When I was three-and-twenty, I came back for a while. She and I were talkin’, and… she asked me to teach her how to make love.

“I laughed at first, thought she was mad. I mean, she was me friend. She wasnae me lover. She and I had never had feelings like that for each other. She got angry, told me that she was serious, and just wanted her first time to be with someone she trusted. Insisted it wasnae about love or anythin’ like that, just experience. I was young and stupid, so eventually I agreed.”

The prickle of jealousy ebbed, for Agnes could understand why a woman would choose a man she trusted, even if she didn’t feel anything romantic for him. And the rules were so different here. It didn’t seem to be about waiting for marriage. Or at least, you wouldn’t end up being damned if you didn’t.

“A while later, she started avoidin’ me,” he said, shaking his head. “I thought that maybe she’d begun to have regrets about our night together, but she was too embarrassed to say so. I respected her immensely, so I gave her all the distance she needed, even though it hurt to lose me friend.

“A few months after, she left to be the healer of another clan that had just lost theirs. At least, that’s what I was told. I didnae even get to say goodbye to her.” His throat bobbed. “I had no idea that she was carryin’ our son. And I had no idea that she never went to a different clan.”

“Where did she go?” Dread roiled in Agnes’s belly, her heart pounding.

“She was taken to a convent. I daenae ken if she even kent that was where she was goin’. Apparently, when me son was about a year old, Katherine started to ‘cause trouble’ at the convent. She wanted our son to meet me. She wanted me to ken about him, so I could make a decision.” His voice cracked. “She and our son were in a carriage, on their way to see me, when… they were both killed by brigands on the road.”

She reached for his arm. “Oh, Gordon… I’m so sorry.”

“Aye, me too.” He looked down at her hand. “It’s why I’ll never be the husband ye want, lass. I made a vow back then that I wouldnae take a wife or have any more children, to honor them. Now, I’ve already broken half that vow; I willnae break the other half.”

Oh…

She could understand it, of course she could, but that didn’t lessen the sting. Had it been a lesser reason, maybe they would be able to overcome it, but a vow made to a dead son? That was not something anyone would easily be persuaded away from, nor did she feel comfortable being the one to try.

He leaned down and pressed a tender kiss to her cheek. “I’m sorry, Sunshine. If ye’ll excuse me.”

He pushed off the wall and resumed his walk along the path, taking himself further away from her.

She watched him leave as his kiss still tingled on her cheek, uncertain of what to do or how to feel. She was not ignorant of the effects of grief, nor would she have denied him his pain, but where did that leave her? Could she accept a marriage without the possibility of children or love or all of the things that happened between a husband and wife?

After all, it didn’t seem likely that he would even risk the prospect of children, which meant…

I will never know what it is like to lie with him. That is what he is saying: that our marriage will never be consummated.

The realization ached in her chest, as if he had reached in and twisted her heart into a knot. After his kiss and his proposal, she had thought that they were growing closer. Now, she could see clearly that they would never be close, not in the way she might have hoped.

But what could be done about it now?

Nothing.

The wedding was just days away. Besides, at least Lizzy would forever be safe. Even if it broke her, Agnes swore that that would be enough for her.

It had to be.