Page 47 of Katherine the Vixen

“I can, because you didn’t know I was not Lady Malpas,” she answered with infuriating calm. How was she not angry at him? He could not understand. “You cannot blame yourself for what happened in that bed. You were fooled. You were as much a victim of her scheming as I was.”

“Perhaps the first time I was unaware of the fact that the woman I was holding in my arms was not the woman I had married.” He took her by the shoulders, as if eager to impress upon her the importance of what he wanted to tell her. “But the second time, I knew. Do you hear, I knew you weren’t my legally wedded wife yet I did not send you away. I did not let it stop me. I did not spare you the advances you had not sought out nor welcomed. I bedded you out of spite, to alleviate my frustration, to teach you a lesson, to make you regret taking part in the deception and making a fool out of me. None of these reasons are reasons why a man should bed a woman. It was unworthy of me. Unworthy of you.”

Yes, he had known. But contrary to what he thought, that notion pleased her. Because if he had known who she was, then the kiss on her temple had been for her… Her instinct had been right. He had known he was holding a woman who was not his wife and yet he had kissed her. It had to mean something. She had to mean something. Men didn’t kiss women they hated.

He let her go and started to pace around the room. Katherine waited, sensing he needed to discuss what had happened that night in order to finally put it behind him. He had said it was eating him alive.

“How did you know it was me?” She could not deny being curious.

“I heard you and Lady Malpas talk earlier that day, when I went to see her. I understood from what you said that you had replaced her on my wedding night.”

Yes… Katherine remembered she had gone to demand the release of her father that morning. If he had heard their conversation, he would have understood he’d been deceived. But how had he not seen that she had been used against her will?

“I told Lady Helen within your hearing that I intended to bed her mistress that night because I wanted to ascertain how far you women were prepared to go,” Siaspar continued. “Without that, I would never have gone back to her so soon—maybe never again.”

“But it was dark that second night as well, so how could you know for certain that it was me in the bed, and not Lady Malpas?”

“Please, Katherine. The fact that it was pitch dark, again, only confirmed my suspicion. Not only that, but despite my efforts, you never said anything beyond two or three words.” He rubbed the back of his neck like someone weary beyond description. “No. Do not try to make excuses for my behavior that evening. I knew full well I was not bedding the woman who had married me, but a woman who had not chosen to be there. And I did not let it stop me.”

The anguish in his voice was heartbreaking. Katherine went over to him and took his hand again. She was taking liberties but she had to show him that she had not been irremediably hurt and one gesture would express it a hundred times better than anything she might say.

“What happened that night was not as distressing as you seem to think. As you said, you did not just possess me, you made love to me.” She paused, embarrassed, but forced herself to carry on. It was important that she should allow him to abandon the burden he had been carrying all this time. “I am not an expert, of course, but I know what I felt. You might have started with the intention of making me regret my supposed treachery, but then it became something different. I think you know what I mean.”

“Yes. Yes,” he agreed softly. “Something happened once I had you in my arms. I forgot all about my anger. It felt like nothing I had experienced before. I just wanted you to surrender to me as a lover. I wanted you to have pleasure.”

“I did. I…think I did.” Something had happened to her as well that night. Her body had taken over, leaving her diffidence behind. Suddenly he had not been the husband of a woman who was forcing her into an abject bargain, but a passionate lover. “You said it would not be like the first time and it wasn’t, not in the least.”

“Was it so terrible the first time?”

“No.” She blushed. Considering how much worse it could have been, it had not been terrible. “Only the second time was…a revelation.”

Siaspar’s brown eyes gleamed. “It was. So much so that I wanted more and left the bed before I could take you a second time.” He paused, rubbed a hand over his chin. “I wish it had been different between us.”

“So do I. But I cannot regret having come to work for Lady Malpas.”

If she had not, they would never have met. And where else would she have crossed paths with a man like Siaspar, never mind be allowed to talk to him and be bedded by him? Nowhere.

A sad smile curled her lips. How long before their paths went their separate ways again? It was extraordinary enough that they had merged. She should not ask for more.

Katherine tried to calm down the furious beatings of her heart. For the second time in a week, she wondered if Siaspar was about to kiss her. Though he had already made love to her twice, he had yet to kiss her on the mouth.

Yet?

She blinked. What was she doing, considering it inevitable that a lord should kiss her one day? How foolish of her! Why would he entertain such thoughts? She had to chase these unhelpful musings out of her mind, as they could only lead to trouble. Siaspar would never be interested in a poor blacksmith’s daughter. He wanted to help because he was an honorable man who felt duty-bound to repair the treatment Lady Malpas had inflicted on her, but he did not feel anything special toward her. He would have done the same for anyone else.

She had better go back to reality, and fast.

Siaspar had to bunch his fists to physically stop himself from reaching out to Katherine and drawing her into his arms.

The urge to kiss her, ever present under the surface, threatened to finally burst through his restraint. But after the way she had been used, he could not allow his selfish craving to take over. It wouldn’t be fair to her. He did not want her to think that he considered her like a commodity to be used at will, as Lady Malpas had done. Twice, he had made love to her for the wrong reasons. He did not want her to think his motives for kissing her now were questionable.

They weren’t, it was the situation that was skewed.

For the first time in his life, he resented his grandfather for having wanted to escape his station. A brewer’s grandson would have been allowed to woo a blacksmith’s daughter. A wealthy lord, however, had no right to abuse his power thus. Even if he had not been married, she would have been forbidden to him.

What a shambles this really was. Yet despite all he had done wrong, Katherine had never addressed him with a single word of reproach. This generosity was more than he deserved, so he could not start making her hate him now by giving in to his baser urges.

Kissing her would have to wait.