Page 50 of A Knight for Gwenllian

A snort. “If you think that keeping up with little Lizzie doesn’t keep a man in prime condition, then you can think again.”

There it was, the usual banter between the two men. But for the first time, Alexander felt ill at ease. He was keeping information from his friend, information that would cause Christopher to look at him differently, perhaps even cause him to demand retribution—and he hated that.

But what choice did he have?

It would be stupid to create problems now, when he had finally decided to put an end to his ill-advised dalliance with Gwenllian.

Gwenllian watched Christopher slip back into the great hall. He was alone, just as she’d hoped, which meant that Alexander was still outside. Here was her chance to speak to him away from prying ears and eyes.

Making sure that no one saw her leave, she stole outside and took a moment to peer into the velvety darkness. There. The tall shadow she was looking for was standing by the north tower, delineated by the glow of a distant torch. Heart thumping hard in her chest, she walked over to him. Though he would have heard her approach, he didn’t show any signs that he was aware of not being alone anymore.

She came to a halt and waited, but there was no acknowledgment of her presence. Neither did Alexander turn to her when he finally spoke.

“What are you doing in England? I thought you were destined to remain in Wales. Or have you finally realized that the old woman’s prediction was not a real condemnation and you are, in fact, free to act as you choose?”

Gwenllian recoiled at the coldness in his voice and the mocking question. He hadn’t been anywhere near as scathing in the great hall earlier. But, of course, now that they were alone and in the dark, he didn’t have to school his face into indifference or refrain from telling her what he thought.

She’d known he’d never been shy, but this new side of him made her uncomfortable.

The last time she had gone to him, he had made love to her where they stood. She had not expected a repeat of the performance here, in his friend’s castle, with her family so near, but she had imagined he would at least understand why she had come, and be pleased that she had. Which showed what a fool she was, because he didn’t appear pleased in the least. He had not even looked at her once.

“I came…” She floundered, wondering how to formulate her answer, or even if she should tell him the truth, considering his reaction. “I thought we⁠—”

“You thought we could resume our affair, is that it?”

That was Alexander, blunt as ever. She could not help a small smile. Perhaps there was still something left of the man she knew. It gave her courage. That man she could handle.

“Yes,” she said, not to be outdone. That was exactly what she had thought, so she might as well admit it. “Why not? We did after I came back from Scotland.”

He ran a hand through his hair like a man weary beyond description. “We did.”

Two words. Two words that made it clear that he regretted what they had done, and he didn’t think it a good idea to repeat the mistake. Gwenllian’s heart skipped a beat. This was not going well at all. He still had his back to her, as if he could not bear to look at her, and his whole body had gone stiff. Something had changed, but she wasn’t sure what that might be.

And then she thought she might understand.

“Have you found yourself someone else?” she asked, doing her best not to betray how wretched that made her feel. But, of course, it had been a year since their last encounter. He could easily have found himself another lover, and he didn’t want to be unfaithful to the lucky woman. “If that’s what it is, you could just tell me, it’s not a⁠—”

Finally, Alexander turned to face her, causing the words to die on her lips. Lit by the torch behind her, his eyes were glittering like liquid gems. His mouth was set in a firm line, and he had never looked fiercer. Gwenllian swallowed. She had never wanted him more than in this moment, when her chances of having him seemed to have disappeared.

“I’m not betrothed, if that’s what you’re asking,” he said in a low voice. “You, of all people, should know that I am not likely to be.”

She blinked. “Do I?”

“When I met you, I was already past thirty and still unmarried. If you had given the situation more than a passing thought, you would have understood what kind of man I am and what I am not likely to do.” He gave a snort that shot straight to her heart. Was he trying to make her sound like a naïve fool? Was he trying to hurt her?

“What kind of man are you?” she asked with as much aplomb as she could muster. She’d thought she’d known, now she wasn’t so sure. “Please enlighten me.”

“A selfish scoundrel, apparently.” Another snort, this time addressed to him. “I took you to bed and accepted the pleasure you offered without making any promises or giving you any guarantees about the future. I took your maidenhead knowing full well I would never repair the wrong I had caused you. I was told about your fears of ending up alone, and yet I never offered to do the honorable thing and give you my name. Doesn’t that tell you that marriage was never an option for me?”

He was right. His behavior had not been that of a man looking for a wife. But she had been so certain herself that she would never marry—still was—that she had not minded.

“You were not selfish, you gave me what I wanted, a taste of passion. I never asked anything of you, and you know it,” she reminded him. As they had both embarked on their affair in the full knowledge of any possible consequences, this sudden attack of guilt was very unwelcome. “A virgin with a view to marry would not have surrendered her maidenhead without any guarantees, but I never thought in those terms, and I told you as much. If you had given the situation more than a passing thought, you would have understood that I never expected an offer of marriage.”

In her anguish, she couldn’t help but repeat his earlier words. After all, why should she be the only one feeling wretched?

“Then why did you come to⁠—”

“Because I wanted to know what being a woman meant! How many times will I have to tell you?” She shook her head. It seemed that he really had not believed her when she had assured him she was only looking for an adventure. “I never aspired to more than the pleasure you could give me. And I got it. I regret nothing.”