Page 37 of A Knight for Gwenllian

“You know, then?” she murmured.

Bethan arched a brow. “We do. After what William did for me, offering to marry me to protect my child from harm, we wanted to ensure he found his own happiness, so we introduced him to Alasdair. The two of them formed an immediate bond, as we’d hoped.” She picked another raspberry. “How do you know about them, though?”

“I saw them together a few days after my arrival here,” Gwenllian confessed. If her friends knew, there was no point keeping the secret any longer. “And I saw the way Alasdair looked when William left today.”

Much like I did, I expect, when Alexander rode away.

“Yes,” her friend said slowly. “That look was hard to miss.”

Was she talking about Alasdair or Gwenllian now? Cameron reached out for his wife’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

“There is nothing so awful as being parted from those we love, not knowing when or if we will see them again,” he said, looking straight into her eyes.

No, indeed.

“If you’ll excuse me, I think I will retire,” Gwenllian said in a deathly voice. “I am rather tired.”

Tears had started to well in her eyes, and sobs were bubbling in her throat. She would not be able to hold them in for much longer. It was inevitable that she should falter, and might even feel better for it, but she could not do it now, not before she had reached the privacy of her room.

It was only when she saw the bunch of buttercups Alexander had deposited on her bed before leaving that she let out the howl she had been holding inside from the moment her fierce knight had left.

Gwenllian woke up to a familiar dull sensation in her lower body.

Rolling onto her back, she sighed. Her courses had come right when she expected them. Well, why did she feel so wretched? She should be relieved that Alexander had not given her anything other than pleasure during their time together, shouldn’t she? She should be glad to see that his efforts at control had not been in vain, considering how much it had cost him to withdraw from her pulsing body every time he had reached his release. She should be grateful, and she was.

Still, later that morning, as she watched Cameron walk into the main hall with his son nestled in the crook of his arm, she couldn’t help a pang of—was it regret? Or something even worse, like longing for something she would never have?

Questions started to whirl through her mind. What if Alexander really had gotten her with child? How would he look with a baby in his arms? Would the babe have looked like him? Would it have had his dark hair or her blonde tresses? Dark or green eyes? Pale or bronzed skin? Would it have been a boy or girl? Did she have a preference? Had he ever imagined himself as a father? It was unlikely, considering his family history. He had once told her that he didn’t think a man in his situation could get married. If he were determined not to find a wife, then he would have made his peace with never having children.

He was too honorable to father bastards he would not be allowed to raise properly.

“Gwenllian, good morning.”

The greeting jolted her out of her reverie. “Good m-morning,” she stammered.

Cameron smiled at her, amused she had not seemed to register his entrance into the room. “Seeing as you’re here, would you hold Callum for me a moment? I had promised to go see Laird McPherson this morning. It’s a rather long ride, and I’m already late. Bethan won’t be long.”

“Of course.”

She took the little boy from him, forcing herself not to think of how it would feel to hold her own child against her chest. Before she had come to Scotland, stupid as it was, she had not realized that not being married meant not being a mother. But now that she did, the notion sat rather ill with her. Her situation was the opposite of Alexander’s. To someone growing up in a loving family, like she had, the idea of not having children was like a condemnation. This was why she had felt dejected this morning when her courses had come, she realized. Having a child from a wild tryst was the only way she could ever become a mother, and she had been forced to see that she had missed her chance.

Was it really a “chance” though?

Of course not.

Such a child would be forever seen as tainted and she as a wanton. So, was she ready to face public condemnation? She wasn’t sure. A tryst that would remain secret, she could handle, a child that would proclaim to the world what she had done would be another matter. She would just have to be happy with the numerous nieces and nephews she would be surrounded by. In fact, she had started to suspect Jane might be with child again. Perhaps by the time she got back home, she would be told about the new babe.

The idea of going back to Wales did not fill her with as much joy as it should have. Because once she was back at Castell Esgyrn, her adventure would be over. She doubted she would have the courage to go on another, or more to the point, she wasn’t sure she would want to. When she had set off, she had wanted to find a man who could introduce her to the pleasures of the flesh. Anyone would have done, provided she felt some attraction toward them. Now, after Alexander, she suspected that she wouldn’t be satisfied with just anyone.

As promised, it was not long before Bethan arrived, looking slightly flushed. Gwenllian suddenly understood why Cameron had been late for his appointment with the man he was supposed to meet. She smiled to herself. How had she not guessed?

“There he is. Has he not been too restless?” Bethan asked, taking her son to give him a kiss.

“No. He’s been perfect.”

“Has Cameron left?”

“Yes.”