Page 8 of Butterfly 6, Phase 1

She was crying so hard that it hurt. The soft knock at the door hushed her, and she quickly tried to wipe the evidence of distress from her face, sniffing as the door opened.

Ethic entered the room and closed the door behind him.

“It’s late. I thought you just decided to go home and come back in the morning,” she said, the thick accent of hidden grief putting her on blast.

He made his way to her side and climbed into bed with her, pulling her under his arm. She melted into his chest.

“Let it out,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head, and then rubbing her shoulder softly as she fell apart. His permission was all she needed.

Relief and angst flooded from Alani as she allowed herself to fall apart. He stroked her back gently with one hand and cupped her face. She was too ashamed to look at him. His chest was where she buried her disgrace.

“I don’t know how to accept this without Kenzie,” she whispered. “It feels like I’ve just moved on.”

The heaviest sigh left him. It was filled with a burden and a solemnity that put a pit in the bottom of his stomach.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t your problem. This isn’t on you to solve.”

“You have no idea how much of this is on me,” he replied. His discomfort was palpable. She could see the struggle in his posture. She couldn’t remember much of anything about him, but her instincts told her he was an honorable man. The way he doted over her, standing guard, like it was his sovereign duty, told her he was a protector. “You didn’t just move on. You clawed and fought your way to a livable place. Every day you honor her. Every day I try to make it better. You have never let her go. Bella and Eazy didn’t replace her. You have been kind. You’ve welcomed them graciously, and you’ve been inclusive when it comes to them, but in no way do they serve as a replacement for your daughter. True doesn’t replace her. I’ll spend the rest of my life helping you honor her because I owe you that.”

“Do I even want to know what happened to her? It feels like everyone is tiptoeing around me. Was it my fault? Is that why nobody wants to tell me?” she asked.

His silence filled her with dread. A hundred different scenarios played in her mind as he hesitated. She was afraid of what his next words would be.

“No, Alani,” he whispered as he took her hands and planted kisses on her delicate fingers. He shook his head, overwhelmed by the lies filling the room. Omission was building a wedge between them. He knew he should come clean. To let her think for a second that she was responsible for Kenzie’s death was wrong. His confession was on the tip of his tongue, but the fear of losing her bound his words. “You held no blame, baby,” Ethic stated, choosing his words carefully. “Whatever blame you need to assign, put it on me. It doesn’t belong to you. It’s mine, and I’ll carry it.”

Alani’s heart was tender whenever he was around. She couldn’t quite decipher if it was a strength of his or a weakness of hers. His presence was so massive. His energy commanded her. Her body seemed to attract naturally to his. Before she would even know he was in a room, she would feel a pull in whatever direction he was coming from. Her eyes graced the corner before his Range Rover pulled onto the block. Her eyes searched empty doorways before he entered a room. Her ears tingled before he announced his arrival. And right now, in this moment, her heart lunged for this man; it fought inside her chest, raging, stampeding, for him. She could tell he was anything but docile, but with every kiss to her knuckles, all she felt was softness. The dichotomy love presented in a Black man was exquisite. She calmed because of him. She settled at his silent direction. His love was tranquilizing. It stilled the chaos within her. “The blame doesn’t belong to you either, but I appreciate you trying to carry it for me.”

His body tensed, and she felt his energy shift. He didn’t need words for her to hear him loud and clear.

“It’s bad, isn’t it?” she asked, sniffling.

“We conquered the bad once. We can conquer it again.” Ethic was normally confident, but this time he sounded uncertain. Worry laced his tone.

She was afraid of the truth. The doom in her gut told her so.

“She wasn’t supposed to be there…” he started. Alani’s chest tightened, and she gripped his hand so tightly as her breath shortened. It felt like she was having a heart attack. The panic of a trauma unknown sent her nervous system into a frenzy.

“No, Ethic, don’t tell me,” she protested. “Please, stop. Not tonight. I don’t think I can handle it tonight.”

“Okay, okay,” he soothed. “You’re okay, baby. Everything’s going to be okay.” He leaned back, and she rested on his chest as tears flowed from her eyes. “You’re shaking. You’re safe. My baby,” he said softly.

“I’m not ready to face her death. Maybe God took the memory for a reason,” she whispered. “Maybe He’s sparing me.”

“I don’t know, but whenever you’re ready to hear it, I promise I’ll tell you,” Ethic pledged. They lay there, as Alani rested on his chest and Ethic stroked her hair while staring at the ceiling in deep thought. Half an hour passed, and Ethic patiently consoled Alani as she let her pain flow. She cried so hard she was congested by the time she got it all out. By the time she settled, Ethic was weary of leaving her side.

“Listen, Lenika…” He hesitated. “A lot happened tonight. I don’t want you to worry, but I have to tell you what’s going on because I’ll be distant for a couple days. I’ll need to move around a little.”

“Are you going somewhere?” she asked. “I need you here, Ethic. Please stay here with me.”

Ethic blew out a breath. So much pressure. One man.

“You have no idea how bad I want to stay right here under this roof, locked away in this room with you, baby, but Yara Rae…” He paused. It was still so hard to fathom. It was like the more they spoke of it, the more real it became.

“Morgan’s daughter,” she whispered, nodding as if she was checking to see if all the things she knew were still safely in her mind. It saddened Ethic. His wife was like a computer without enough storage. Her entire hard drive had been erased. Every time she mentioned a portion of their life that she couldn’t remember, it killed him.

“Morgan’s twins, baby. Messari and Yara. They’re our babies, Lenika. They call you La La,” Ethic said sadly.

“I know,” she said. “I’m just trying to…” She shrugged. “I don’t know, retain so much. Sometimes I have to say things ten times in my head to remember certain things. I’m so absent-minded now.” Her confirmation was aloof, performative even, like she really couldn’t place the name but wanted him to think she could. “Yara Rae,” Alani repeated. She was appeasing him. He knew it because she didn’t call her Yolly. Alani was pretending to be better than she was, and Ethic made a mental note to ask Mara about her true progress. “Is she okay?” Alani asked.