Page 48 of Butterfly 6, Phase 1

“You want me to get a bottle? Did you pump today?” he asked. “I know you ain’t too keen on the formula.”

“I did, but she can nurse here,” Alani responded. He had never seen a more perfect picture than his child being nourished at the breast of this woman. “I don’t want to be left in the dark on important things. I lost a child. I lost two children. That matters, and even though it’s hard, I don’t want to completely forget them. Don’t pick and choose which parts of my past are important for me.”

Her words were daggers because he was guilty of doing exactly that.

“You’re right. I apologize. I just want you back, baby. I want you healed, and I want your mind well, and I want you to choose the life we built. It wasn’t easy. We fought for every day we spent together. I’m not easy for you to love…”

Alani adjusted her breast so that she could see True’s nose. “Don’t say that. I can’t even see that. That doesn’t even make sense. Loving you is easy,” Alani protested. “I barely remember you, and I can’t stop thinking about you.”

The revelation brought a rare smile to Ethic’s face. “You think about me, baby?”

He was flattered, and he was so masculine that the small vulnerability of flattery was adorable on him.

“From the moment I opened my eyes. I think about where you are, what you’re thinking or doing, if you’ll want me if I’m stuck in this bed for the rest of my life...”

“I’ll always want you,” Ethic interrupted.

“You could have any woman you want,” Alani said.

“Probably.” His answer was shocking because it carried a factual confidence that oddly didn’t sound arrogant at all. She couldn’t negate the truth. He knew who he was. Besides Alani, he couldn’t remember a time a woman had given him a hard time. Women weren’t anomalies. He had figured them out a long time ago. Whomever he pursued, he won. If there was a woman in the room and he wanted her, he took her home. She was right. He always had his pick. “I have the woman I want. I chose you. You’re irreplaceable in my life, Alani. I’m holding onto this shit for dear life because there is no wanting any other woman after you. You’re my life, baby. I don’t want shit that don’t involve you. If I’m withholding anything from you, it’s because I’m afraid that too much of my truth will make you leave, and if I lose you, baby…” Ethic stopped speaking because he couldn’t fathom the thought. “I just can’t lose you.”

This nigga here, Alani thought. He spoke in a tongue of passion that had been lost. There was nothing casual about a man’s love for a woman. It should feel exactly like this, she thought. Love was a high stakes game, and the art of being lovers had been lost over the years by lack of commitment and casual sex. Alani remembered the stories Nannie used to tell of men showing up at her door to court her. Flowers and his best suit were the minimum requirements to enter the establishment. Old-school men used to open doors, pay the full bill at dinner, and there was no expectation of 50/50 anything. They used to dance with their women. They used to sing to their women. They used to beg when they fucked up. Men these days have a train of thought like they are the prize and expect princess treatment themselves. The game was perpetrated by men who were too ego-driven, arrogant, and filled with too much bravado to pour into their women. Ethic was a classic man in the way he loved Alani. He didn’t live behind the veil of hyper masculinity. Some men tried so hard to prove manhood that they became anti-woman. These niggas hated women. They cheated. They lied. They manipulated. They assaulted. They yelled. They used. They tore women down to the studs, leaving them stripped of any foundation that would help them stand and walk away from the mistreatment. Those types of men disassociated from their responsibility to be gentle with a woman because they were too busy trying to be hard to impress other niggas. Ethic only cared about one impression: the one he left her with. Her experience of him mattered most, and for her, he would be as emotionally astute as she required. He loved no one more than Alani Lenika Okafor. He could spill the blood of gangsters without blinking and then come home and thaw his cold heart for her without ever disturbing her peace. Her happiness meant everything to him. “I apologize for not telling you about our son. It didn’t seem like the right time.”

“It will never be the right time for something like that. Please don’t keep me in the dark. I’m trusting you to gate-keep my mind, and that’s hard for me.”

Ethic was choking on lies. It didn’t matter that everyone told him his lies were just. Alani was asking him for transparency, and he had never denied her of anything. Truth, somehow, was the most expensive thing she had ever requested.

This ain’t right, he thought.

“If this ever falls apart, know that I love you,” he said. His tone was somber, and Alani shifted her focus from the baby to him.

“Why do you talk like we won’t last?” Alani asked. “You can’t sow seeds that lack faith in our marriage.”

He breathed her in as he caressed her. She yielded, leaning her forehead against his.

“There’s so much you don’t remember. You’d understand my fears if you did,” he admitted.

“Have you ever beat me?” she asked.

Ethic pulled back, frowning. “What?”

“Do you hit women?” Alani asked clearly.

“Never. You or any other before you,” Ethic replied.

“Have you ever cheated on me?” she quizzed.

He caught on quickly. She was listing her deal breakers.

“No cheating,” he reassured.

“Are you controlling? Do you berate me? Are you impatient or unkind to me?” she asked.

“Our roots have always gone deeper than that, Alani. My fears are bigger than this, but to answer your questions, no,” Ethic replied. “I don’t want to control you. Your every desire controls me. I wouldn’t dare try to control you. I’d never berate you. I owe you eternal patience, and you bring out more kindness than I knew I possessed.”

“What are you hiding from me?” she asked, searching his eyes for depth, trying to fish out his truth. So much sincerity lived in this man. He worshipped her. She felt it. She could see it. The honor he felt just from being able to call her his was God-appointed, and he took it seriously.

So why is he so afraid? What’s in our past that haunts him?