Page 18 of Butterfly 6, Phase 1

“What if she dies?” Messiah asked, biting back emotion as he bowed his head while gritting his teeth.

“No, Messiah. You can’t do that. Let’s not jump to the worst-case scenario,” Khadeen whispered as she stepped closer to him. “Information empowers you, Messiah. All you have is a diagnosis, and not even a firm one. She’s in the emergency room. You haven’t seen a specialist yet. This is not your cancer. This is not your circumstance. You let yourself get very sick before you even sought treatment. Yara’s situation may be different. You don’t know yet. So, don’t speculate. Don’t give out death sentences in your mind based on your experience. Okay?”

“Okay,” he said, nodding. “You right, man; I’m tripping. My head is so fucked up right now. I can’t think straight.”

“I know,” Khadeen replied. “But you’ll get through this, and that beautiful, tough, little girl will too.”

“I’m glad I ran into you,” Messiah said. Khadeen smiled and then looked down at her hands, giving him a chance to look away, because his stare was locked on her. “You made this better somehow.”

She cut her eyes back to him. “Don’t find comfort in me, Messiah. You have a fearful avoidant attachment issue. You want intimacy, but it terrifies you, so you sabotage it. Your history of abuse makes you anxious about being vulnerable with anyone. You’re finding safety in me, but it’s not me, it’s my expertise, Messiah. That’s what you are connecting with. This is clinical. It’s a diagnosis.”

“Don’t shrink me right now, KD,” Messiah said in a low tone. “Don’t misunderstand or try to label what I’m telling you, shorty…”

“I’m not your shorty. You need to understand that. I can never be your shorty,” Khadeen shot back.

“It ain’t a crime that you make a cloudy picture clearer for me. That’s what this whole therapy thing is supposed to accomplish, ain’t it?”

Khadeen sighed. “It is…”

“But I make a clear picture cloudy for you,” Messiah challenged. Her silence was an admission.

“I don’t want to turn black and white to gray for you, KD,” Messiah replied. “I need you too much to risk running you off.”

Khadeen held the road map to redemption, to salvation. She looked up at him, her gaze full of care and worry.

“I’m not running, Messiah. I’ve never not helped a patient. I’m committed to you and your healing,” she replied. He could hear the sincerity in her. He could also see her unease. Khadeen was an unexpected presence in his life. She knew everything about him. He shared everything with her. The fact that she didn’t fear his truth made Messiah feel accepted for the first time without having to perform or pretend. Their stare lingered a second past appropriate as he searched for words to match the feeling that was stuck behind his ribs. He couldn’t pinpoint the emotion. He didn’t know if he was extra triggered because of Yara’s condition or if Khadeen was evoking a strong resonance within him, so he said nothing instead. What the fuck is going on right now? I can’t even stop looking at this lady.

The gaze they shared was so uncomfortable for him, but he didn’t dare break it. It was almost like he couldn’t. He stood there, a victim of her, as he waited for her to release him.

“Everything will be okay, Messiah,” she said. Her voice was the softest melody as she reached out to rub the side of his arm.

“I should get back,” he said, pointing his thumb over his shoulder toward the other direction. His stare didn’t waver, however.

“You should,” she agreed.

“What did you say I got? An avoidant…”

“Avoidant detachment,” she finished.

“I know you need your notes and your labels, but the avoidant thing... That might be spot on with everybody else, but that’s not what this is with you.” She finally looked away.

“I know it feels that way, but I’m not special. It’s all in your head, Messiah. I’ve got to get home, so I try to squeeze in a little bit of sleep before work,” she insisted. “And you have to get back to your family.”

“I thought you were sick. I’m sure your patients will understand if you take some time,” Messiah said, forehead wrinkled in displeasure. “Who’s taking care of you, KD?”

She gave a soft smile. “I take care of me just fine, and a whole lot of other folks, too. I can’t afford to let them down, so work it is.”

“That’s unfortunate,” he replied.

She gave a courteous smile and shrugged. “I’m a big girl; I’m used to it. Keep me updated about Yara, will you?”

He wondered if she was just being polite, or if she truly cared to be informed.

“I will,” he responded.

“Take care, Messiah.”

She went to reach for the door, and Messiah cleared his throat. Something about her leaving him there to process all this alone felt like a setup. If he could pay her just to be on standby, he would. If he thought she would go for it, the offer would already be on the table. He would be her only patient. “Can I ask you one more thing?”