Page 61 of Sparrow

“Yeah,” I reply, my voice nearly as quiet as hers.

“Come here often?”

“Any time I need to think. Any time life gets too loud.”

There’s a beat of silence, and then she takes the bait.

“Is life too loud right now?”

It’s not a demand, and it’s not even a suggestion. It’s just an opening. A door left ajar, in case I want to push through and take advantage of the offer she’s just made.

I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.

The gentle, quiet offer feels like home, if home was actually safe from the people who tried to hurt you. It feels like the promise of a warm blanket on a snowy night. The first sip of hot coffee on a chilly morning.

The knowledge that if you fall, someone will catch you before you hit the ground.

I’ve never had that. Never thought I wanted it, honestly, and certainly never looked for it.

But now, with the stress of the Saints and the garage, Orion keeping secrets and Rookie growing up too fast...

“Yes,” I whisper.

She puts her arm through mine and then slides her fingers into my palm, using her other hand to close my own hand around hers. And she’s such a tiny thing, so small compared to me and so fragile, but now that she’s holding me in the palm of her hand, every emotion in my heart starts to feel far too big to handle on my own.

“So tell me,” she says. “Let me hold all the noise for a second.”

And despite myself, I start talking. I tell her about my childhood–not everything, but enough–and how I have a younger sister, Sonya, and a younger brother, Casino. How I’m the oldest and was born having to take care of everything.

“Sure, I had older cousins,” I continue. “Gunner and Bear are both older than me. But even they sort of thought I should have the answer to everything. Call Mars if you have a problem. It was always just settled. And I just... I’m tired,” I finish simply.

“Your brother’s name is Casino?” she asks. “Is that... Is that his real name?”

It’s so unlikely, so unexpected, that I bark a laugh, the tension in my shoulders suddenly melting. “No. His real name is Cash, though that’s not much better.”

“So he’s a monetary entity, regardless. Interesting. Is he... good with money?’

This makes me laugh even harder, because Casino is a terrific rancher but he’s not great with money.

“So his names don’t make any sense whatsoever,” she concludes.

“No, but my mother was a Johnny Cash fan and I guess she thought it would be a mark of honor.”

She sniffs. “That man lived his life like he was trying to kill himself the whole time he was alive. Doesn’t seem like a guy you’d want to name one of your kids after.”

I’m surprised at this. “You know Johnny Cash?” I would never have expected it.

She shrugs, though. “Not his music. But I’ve seen the movie.”

It’s a stark reminder of how young she is, how short her life has been, and I tell myself for the five hundredth time that I need to stop this now. I’ve felt this connection growing for days and I know that it’s wrong. As the oldest one here, the responsible adult, I should put a stop to it.

I should pull back my emotions. Leave her alone.

For her own good. Because it’s the right thing to do.

But sitting here with the moonlight shining on her fair, freckled skin and her hand folded into mine, I don’t think I can.

And I know I don’t want to.