Page 124 of Carry Me Home

‘To Peter!’ Jude raises his glass. ‘Future heartbreaker. Future fisherman. Future pain in his father’s arse.’

‘Oi.’ Kit clinks glasses. ‘He’s going to be a saint. Perfect in every way.’

‘Maisie’s already teaching him to burp on command.’

‘That’s … that’s advanced for two weeks.’

‘She’s a prodigy. It runs in the family.’

Brynn drops into the seat beside me. ‘How’s it going?’

‘Perfect. Look at him.’

‘I meant you.’

I glance at her. ‘I’m fine.’

‘You look better than fine. You look lighter.’

‘Maybe I am.’ I look down at Peter, his fist curled around my finger. ‘The boat. The baby. Ellen. All of it. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for ten months and I’m finally starting to exhale.’

‘That’s really good, Nina.’

Peter snuffles against my chest. His tiny hand tightens on my finger, instinctive, trusting. I look down at him – this new life, this new beginning – and for the first time in a long time, the grief is pocket-sized. Still there. Always there. But I can carry it and carry other things too.

‘He suits you,’ Brynn says, nudging my shoulder.

‘Don’t start.’

‘I’m just saying. You’re a natural.’

‘I’m his godmother. That’s different from⁠—’

‘Is it?’

‘Yes. Godmothers give nice presents and show up at Christmas. They don’t⁠—’

‘Change nappies at 3 am? Because I’ve seen your texts to Isla.’

‘That was one time.’

‘Three times.’

‘She was desperate.’

‘Mm-hm.’ Brynn grins. ‘Natural.’

‘Shut up.’

From the bar, Jude’s voice rises above the noise. He’s swaying slightly, three pints into the kind of looseness where the filter comes off and the volume goes up.

‘—should see him up there. Pretending he’s fine. Pretending Scotland’s everything he ever wanted. It’s painful, honestly.’

I look up. Jude’s gesturing with his pint, sloshing beer onto Kit’s sleeve. Kit doesn’t seem to notice.

‘He called last week,’ Jude continues. ‘Wanted to know about the baby. And then—’ He shakes his head. ‘The way he asked about Nina, mate. Like he was trying so hard not to but he couldn’t⁠—’

Kit puts a hand on Jude’s arm.