Page 44 of Ruin

“You know, Mom, I can bring you a tablet and you can watch Bridgerton. You’d love it! It’s like Pride and Prejudice…but with the training wheels off.” I shrugged as I raised my eyebrows giving her that you know what I mean, wink.

She looked at me and grinned, remaining stoic in her reply. “You know I prefer books…I like to let my imagination paint the pictures for me.”

I inhaled deeply before asking my next question, the one I knew I had to ask even though I already knew the answer. “And treatment?”

“Also, nothing new. Buying more time. You know how it goes.” She shrugged again, her shoulders barely moving beneath the oversized pajamas.

“Has Sarah been by?” I questioned as my brow furrowing with concern.

“Not since her last visit in June. You know how it is. She has children, a husband, and a job. It takes her twice as long to get out here than it does you,” my mother responded as her eyebrows raised and chin lowered in attempt to check my attitude before it even started.

“That’s not a good excuse.”

I grimaced, feeling the disappointment, or maybe anger, fluttering in the bottom of my stomach. This was the one thing that Sarah and I could not talk about without a blow up. Where all else she was a warrior—this was her weak spot.

My mother sighed and gave me a look of deep understanding, her face stoic. “Your sister may look like she has it all figured out. She may have the husband, the family, the house. But she is still younger than you. She is still more sensitive than you. I know how hard this is on you. Try to think of how hard it is on her,” she said, her eyes glistening with compassion as she looked deeply into mine.

“She needs to focus on her family. I don’t blame her one bit. She knows that.” She sighed as she gave me a reassuring nod, the subtle indication that this conversation was over.

“I would think she would want to spend as much time with you two as she can…especially now,” I said quietly, looking toward my father. He was still lost in the world of birds and beauty that he couldn’t touch.

My mother responded in a whisper, turning her gaze toward my father. “Coming to visit us doesn’t change anything. She calls us. That’s the best she can do right now.”

The sun was slowly disappearing in the distance, and with it, the birds were coming to rest within their homes in the tree. Shadows from its massive form slowly crept across the hospital room, shrouding my father’s bed in darkness that crept up his body with each passing minute. It looked as if night was coming to get him. Regardless of the setting sun, his attention continued to focus on the tree, with the birds at rest his eyes were now focused on the leaves as they danced in the gentle breeze that flowed through the lush nature of the garden.

My mother’s voice pulled me in once more. “It’s almost dinner time for us. Thank you for coming to visit.”

I knew by now that it was my mother’s gentle way of telling me she was tired and needed to rest. Lord knows she wasn’t eating dinner.

“I always love coming to see you guys.” I forced a smile and inhaled deeply, trying my best to hold back the tears that always tried to force themselves out when our visits come to an end.

If I could hold it in till I got into the hall, I could consider it a win. I could be a good daughter and not let her see me break. Because no matter how hard I broke—whether it be a single tear or a waterfall—it would shatter her regardless. She would be devastated. And I would feel even worse.

My mother extended her hand toward mine and smiled softly, a hint of sadness emerging from the corners of her mouth. I stood up next to her and placed my hand in hers, giving it a light squeeze.

“We are so excited for you and so very proud of you,” she said with certainty as she pulled my arm toward her, embracing me in a hug.

I took another deep breath in, as if I was bottling her warmth, her scent, and even her touch into the deepest nooks of my memory, saving it for the future yet to come. I always asked myself at the end of each visit, “Is this it? Is this the last time I see her?” Taking a few seconds to absorb her presence meant everything to me.

I crossed the room, approaching my father’s bedside, his gaze still on the world beyond the window. Reaching down slowly, I gave him a gentle hug. I was sure somewhere in his mind he knew I was there.

“I love you, Dad,” I murmured quietly as I squeezed him lightly, feeling the stubble on his face graze my cheek.

My mother reached over from her bedside and patted my back, telling me it was time to let go in the most comforting way.

I released my hug and turned it toward her. “I love you, Mom,” I whispered as I let go.

“We love you too, Claire.” My mother smiled as she squeezed my hand once more, her skin on bones struggling to grip me as hard as I knew she wanted to.

As I made my way to the door, I turned back to look at them one more time, taking a mental photograph before I closed the door quietly behind me. I closed my eyes and took a breath as my back pressed against their door.

Finally, I was somewhere I could break, without breaking them.

Chapter Fifteen

Claire

Abang against the windows echoed through the chamber, jolting me from the images of the last visit with my parents that kept replaying in my mind.