Page 92 of All Our Almosts

“The problem is that’s a really big decision,” I say, sitting up to mirror her. “And we’ve been on like two dates. I just worry he just said it because it seemed like what he was supposed to do, but not because it’s actually a good idea.”

Lia tilts her head, studying my expression in the low light. “What do you want? If grad school and moving and all of that weren’t a factor and it was just you and Andy, what would you want?”

“Him,” I reply without hesitation. “I want him. And I want him to want me.”

“Do you doubt that he does?”

Do I?

The answer is more complicated than I can explain in a single murmured secret of a weeknight sleepover.

Do I doubt he wants me? No. He told me he does and his actions suggest the same.

Do I even doubt he loves me? No, it’s not that either. But I love him like roots love the earth. I want him to surround me and nourish me and I know that if we’re pulled apart I’ll be the one to wilt.

“It’s not that I doubt him. But it’s one thing to want to be with someone—or even to love someone—and it’s another thing to give up everything else in your life to be with them. I thought I loved Elliot, but he wanted me to give up my education and career for him and it was a complete dealbreaker. I can’t turn around and do the same thing to Andy, and ask him to give up his whole life for me on a dime.”

“You are doing the same thing to Andy, because you’re making the choice for him instead of listening to what he wants.”

That statement hits me like a blow. “Lia, that’s not—”

“Is there anything he could say that would make you accept he really wants to go with you?”

“Look,” I say petulantly, “I just think he jumped to a conclusion without really thinking about it. He would be leaving half of NASA behind. He’d be leaving his mom and his brother. His job is based here. And he loves Boston.”

“Andy doesn’t care about Boston, Sophie. He barely leaves the house.”

I flop back against my pillow with a loud sigh, too drained to keep up the fight.

“Can I be honest?”

“Yes.”

I lower my voice to just above a whisper. “I’m scared.”

Lia nudges my leg with hers under the covers. “Of what?”

“A lot of things. Of turning into my parents. Of making him move and then watching him realize down the line that I’m not enough. My mom was always miserable on the farm, Lia. She’s a city girl who needs constant stimulation. She knew that when she moved there, and so did my dad. She never should’ve done it. Or she should’ve changed her mind before it was too late and she was stuck with a baby in a place that made her feel stifled and miserable. And my dad… when she left, he was never the same. I don’t want to become my dad. I don’t want to make Andy move across the country and watch him end up feeling trapped. I don’t want him to resent me. I don’t want to keep on loving him so much for the rest of our lives and watch him drift away.”

Hearing the catch in my voice, Lia reaches forward and pulls me up to sit. She keeps my hands cradled in hers as she says, “Falling in love is a risk. It always is. But you are not your parents. You’re not. Andy is your best friend. Your hot best friend who’s crazy about you. If you trust him enough to let him take that risk with you—if you love yourself enough to let him—it could end up being the best thing you ever do. And of course there’s a chance it won’t work out, but there’s also a chance it will. And isn’t that amazing to think about? There’s a chance you’re perfect for each other, and you could miss out on all that if you’re not brave enough to give it a real shot.”

My eyes squeeze shut. “I guess I just want to know that he’s thought of everything. All the risks and the commitment. Because I’m so in love with him, Lia, and we just went on our first date last weekend. If he came with me across the country, and then a year from now or ten years from now he realized I was the wrong choice, I think it would kill me.”

Lia chews on this for a moment, then says, “I mean, yeah it’s kind of fast to decide to move across the country with someone after technically dating them for a week. But you’ve basically been dating him for eight years.” I take a breath to rebut her, but she cuts me off. “I know you’ve dated other people, and I know you hadn’t been physically intimate before now, but think about it. You two have been way closer than ‘just friends’ for a long time. And plenty of couples wait until marriage to have sex anyway. Sex aside, you’re building on a lot of history.”

It’s almost a good point. So close to a good point that I don’t know how to respond.

“Do you have a reason to think you won’t be compatible? Was… was the sex not good?”

Even in my present mood, that question brings an unbidden smile to my face.

“That!” she yells, pointing at my face. “What is that!”

“Oh my god, Lia, it was unbelievable. I literally didn’t let him leave the bed on Sunday.”

She cackles. “I want every single detail, but I also don’t because it’s Andy and that’s weird. You know what? I’m just going to pretend you’re talking about somebody else. Okay, proceed. Tell me everything.”

My face is hot in the darkness, but honestly, I want to talk about it. “He’s like, really big. Definitely the biggest I’ve ever been with.”