Page 90 of All Our Almosts

“Ok then, so it wasn’t bad.”

“No, it wasn’t bad. It was… really good.” I can’t look at him, so my eyes lock on the place where the sky meets the harbor. “And I think she thought so too. I mean, everything she said made me think she wanted us to really be together.”

“What happened?”

I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees and bowing my head. “She had her PhD interview yesterday and it really freaked her out. She thought it went horribly. So now she’s convinced she’s not getting into Ashmore and she’ll end up with her fallback plan in San Diego.”

“And you don’t want to do long distance?” Owen guesses.

“No, I want to move with her. I would go anywhere for her. And the thought of her moving away and me staying in Boston is like… for what? My job is remote. There’s nothing here for me.”

I quickly realize what I just said, and look up at Owen in apology. “I mean, not that—”

He just shakes his head. “I get it.”

I exhale. “I tried to tell her how I feel, that I want to go wherever she goes, and she just wouldn’t let me. She said she doesn’t want me to uproot my life for her, and that she’s worried I’ll resent her or change my mind. And I couldn’t… I couldn’t find the words to explain that could never happen. She said we should take some space.” My voice tightens and I can’t stop it. “Now I’m worried it’s over when I just got her.” I clench my jaw as hard as I can, but a rogue tear stubbornly streams down my cheek.

We sit in silence for three seconds—three long seconds as my brother figures out what the hell to say to that. Then, to my surprise, he reaches over and places a hand on my shoulder. Without a word, the gesture speaks volumes: he’s here, and he knows there’s more to it, and he’s ready to listen.

“Maybe she’s right,” I continue, wiping furiously at my eyes. “Maybe it couldn’t have worked out. It’s not like I’ve seen a lot of great relationships. Maybe everyone falls out of love eventually. I mean, look at the example we had with mom and dad. They had a great marriage and then he just left. He just changed his mind and left. Maybe that’s in my genes. Maybe I’d end up making her miserable.”

“Mom and dad never had a great marriage,” Owen counters. “You might have been too young to see it but please trust me, it was a good thing dad left.” There’s a beat where Owen seems to consider saying more, but he changes course. “Besides, you and Sophie are not mom and dad. You would never… you are not dad.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do know that,” Owen pushes, raising his voice. “You might not think I know you anymore, and you’re right that I could’ve been a better brother, but I know who you are at your core and you are not him. You are a good man, and loyal, and you care about everything so much even when you don’t let it show. Sophie would be lucky to be with you.”

I keep my gaze fixed on the water as I say, quietly, “I don’t know what to do.”

“You fight for her.” When I don’t reply, Owen continues. “Andy, I know it’s still new but… have you actually told her you’re in love with her?”

I huff out an annoyed breath—clearly he’s not understanding the point here. “Owen, I promise she knows I love her. We say it all the time. We’ve said it for years. And it’s obvious I’m out of my league here. There’s no way she doesn’t know.”

“Not that you love her—your friends throw around ‘I love you’s like confetti. I mean that you’re in love with her.”

That gives me a moment of pause. But no, yes, of course I have. Because she said she loved me yesterday in the middle of the conversation, and I…

I rub my hands over my eyes, furious and frustrated and edging towards panic again.

“I—I don’t know. I feel like I can’t keep track of what’s staying in my head and what’s coming out of my mouth. I have no control around her.”

“Did she tell you she loves you since you’ve been together?”

“Yes.”

“And did you say it back?”

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to catalogue our conversations. She said it twice since we’ve been together—I remember each time perfectly, along with the feeling of overwhelming certainty that she couldn’t possibly love me as much as I love her. In a sprawling, consuming, driving way.

But did I say it back?

I might not have used those exact words, but she knows how I feel. She knows, right? She has to know. I cannot be that much of a fuck up. There’s no way.

“I… dammit, I don’t know! I don’t know if I told her. I should have told her, but maybe I didn’t and now it’s too late. Fuck.” My voice breaks again as I bury my face in my hands.

“You have to tell her now, Andy. All of it, the whole truth. If you don’t, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” When I don’t reply, Owen continues. “Hey, if you’re worried about finding the right words on the spot we can think it through ahead of time. We’ll figure it out. I’ve got nothing but time. But we’re not giving up without a fight.”

And that ‘we’ means more than I can say. It’s a ‘we’ I’m so used to hearing only from Sophie, and it’s a relief that even without her here I might not be alone.