Page 56 of All Our Nevers

“Mmm… I don’t know how to say this in a not-bitchy way.”

“You never do,” he chuckles.

“It’s just—” I rotate to face him, the roughness of the wall biting into my shoulder. “You never cared about Andy before, but it seems like you really are trying now. So what’s up with that? What’s with the change of heart?”

He doesn’t reply right away. Instead, he brings the roll of white paper to his lips and takes a long, slow pull. He holds it in his lungs for one, two, three seconds before letting go, smoke curling thickly from his lips.

“What kind of answer do you want to that, Amelia? The short one is I’m an asshole, and the long one probably doesn’t matter.”

“Humor me with the long one.”

Owen says nothing.

I try a different approach. A tentative one. “I’m asking because he’s happy, you know. He’s really happy you’re back. If there’s anything I can say to make you stay in his life, I have to try.”

Owen’s head falls back against the brick, anguish in his low muttered “Fuck.”

“Is it just a coincidence?” I push. “You moved back to Boston for the partner track at your firm and thought hey, might as well get to know my brother? Because you’d been gone from his life for a long time.”

He’s still not looking at me as he says, “Longer than you know.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I was gone from his life while we were still kids at home. I didn’t react well to dad leaving and I took it out on Andy. And then I got accepted to college in New York and I just wanted to get out of that house, where everything was sad and hard and eerily silent all the time. And then suddenly it’s seven years later. I had my college diploma and my JD and a whole life in New York and I realized I’d done exactly what dad did.”

“And what’s that?”

“I left them.”

The words hit like a punch to the gut, knocking me sideways. “Oh.”

“So yeah, transferring to Boston put me on the accelerated partner track, but honestly I’m not even sure I want to make partner. The money’s good but the work feels so fucking meaningless most of the time. I think I really came back to test myself. See if I could be better than dad was.” He scoffs out a bitter laugh. “So far it’s not looking great.”

“You two seem to be getting along okay, though. He made you his best man.”

“Yeah. Andy’s trying. But I keep fucking up. Like with the bachelor party. I thought it would be my chance to show him I’m willing to put in the work, but you did everything so much better than I could have. You actually know him.” He shakes his head. “He has NASA, and he really doesn’t need me."

I consider his words, twisting them like yarn into the patterns of his behavior, forming a clearer picture. “Owen, you’re doing a good job.”

He doesn’t reply.

“Hey,” I say, pushing off the wall to face him. “Would I lie to you? Do you genuinely think I, Lia Mercado, would say something untrue just to make you feel better?”

Owen laughs. “No, you would not.”

“So then take me at my word. You’re doing a good job now. Just don’t stop, okay?”

“But it doesn’t really matter, does it?” he rebuts. “I can do the best job in the world now and it’s still too late. I want him to know he can throw anything at me and I’ll never leave. No matter what. Not again. But it’s been so long and…” Owen sighs. “He doesn’t need anything from me anymore.”

“Yes, he does. You’re his brother. None of us can be that for him. He wants to be able to rely on you specifically, even if he doesn’t know how to say it.”

Owen’s eyes press closed as he takes another drag, head tilted back. Even through the haze of the pot and the dimming light, there’s obvious tension in his shoulders, in the set of his jaw. This solid, willful man. Stubborn and loyal and yes, a Capricorn through-and-through.

Even with their fraught history, this gift he’s offering Andy is… beautiful. Someone to depend on. To close your eyes and fall back on, knowing he’ll always catch you. Someone who would tear himself to shreds to do it.

There’s a part of me—a tiny, buried, squishy part—that covets that feeling.

What would it be like, to let someone take care of me? To drop the weight and just float, held gently in trust and affection? To be totally honest with someone, about everything, after all this time, and know I couldn’t scare them off?