Page 37 of All Our Nevers

“Oh my God,” she says, all smiles and hand gestures, “I have so many things I want to do.”

They’re leaving for Hawai’i a few days after the wedding and staying for like two weeks. I tried to sell them on Paris as a destination so I could live vicariously through them. I mean come on, the city of love for your honeymoon? What could be better? And the fashion… But Andy wanted to sit on a beach and read, and Sophie wanted to go somewhere with interesting ecosystems like a fucking nerd, so Hawai’i was a better choice.

“We’re staying in a little bed and breakfast in the rainforest, and the reviews were kind of mixed because it said the owner just leaves the windows and doors open so sometimes birds and lizards and stuff get in the house, but to me that’s a definite plus. And it was way cheaper than other options. One review did mention palmetto bugs, but honestly even that could be pretty cool to see in person.”

“That’s horrifying,” I laugh. “I’m so happy for you.”

“And we’re definitely gonna go snorkeling. I’ve been reading up on the coastal ecosystem a bit and I’m really hoping we see at least one type of sea turtle, if not more. The green ones are supposed to be the most common, but I would absolutely die if we saw a hawksbill.”

“Are you reserving a tour guide ahead of time?” I ask.

“Nah, I’m pretty sure we can just figure it out once we’re there.”

I shake my head. “You’re an insane woman. But okay, you’ve got the B&B and the snorkeling, what’s number three?”

Sophie’s eyes flicker towards the shore, then back to me, shifting her body closer. “Can I tell you a secret?”

I shift close enough for us to whisper, even though the boys are nowhere near earshot. “Obviously. Please do.”

“I bought… things.”

“Things?”

“You know…” She widens her eyes emphatically. “Things.”

“Sex toys?”

“Shh!” She shoves her hand over my mouth but I yank it down immediately.

“Sophie, you filthy whore! Tell me everything. What did you get?”

“Okay, I didn’t get that much, and you’ll probably think it’s all really basic anyway. But honestly I felt proud of myself for just going to the store and browsing, and the salesperson was really nice and helped me pick out something they thought were good to get started wi—”

“Stop apologizing for it and just tell me.”

She takes a long, anchoring breath. “Okay, I got…” Then her hands slap over her face, hiding herself from me. “Oh my God, I can’t look at you while I say this. I got lingerie and…” She peeks out from between her fingers. “...a vibrator.”

“What kind of vibrator?”

“What do you mean, what kind of vibrator?”

“I mean what I said—what kind of vibrator is it? Shape, size, function?”

“It’s like… a normal one?”

“Sophie.” I take hold of her upper arms, squaring off so she’ll feel the full weight of my disbelief. “Are you telling me this is your first vibrator?”

“Umm… yes?”

“Oh my God!” I release her, hands striking the water with a splash that echoes my shock. “You mean to tell me that for your first twenty-eight years on this Earth, you never once used a vibrator? Straight people are so fucked up.”

“Do you think Andy will think it’s weird? I don’t want him to feel like he’s not enough by himself.”

“Do you want me to go talk to him right now?” I don’t wait for her response before I’m spinning around and paddling towards shore. “If he doesn’t understand that toys are teammates and not competition, I swear—”

“No!” Sophie grabs my wrist and spins me back towards her. “Please, Lia. It’s fine. I just… you don’t think he’ll be weirded out?”

“If he’s weirded out, you should immediately divorce him. Surprising him with a sex toy is objectively hot.”