Page 86 of Derecho

My stomach rolled. “No!”

Lachlan nodded, his brows pulling together in that stern look that had oddly become comforting to me. “I think it’s time you tried Sloane’s trick that she taught me for when my mind gets too loud.”

I blinked away the blurriness that the tears brought to my vision. “Has it worked?”

“Eh.” He shrugged. “It’s usually enough to get the compulsion to at least quiet down to a manageable level. And that’s a step in the right direction. Do you want to try?”

“I don’t have compulsions. I don’t need to try it,” I snapped, hating the hurt that flashed in his eyes. Why was I acting like this? Hurting the one person who had been so kind and understanding? Who saw me for who I truly was and never ran from helping me?

“I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I just don’t want to use formula. Birdie said breast milk has exactly what he needs. He’s not just getting nutrients, he’s getting antibodies, protection from other people.”

“What protection does he need? He’s barely been around anyone, Lainey.” Lach’s hand came out to sweep some of my hair away from my face. I knew what I looked like. My hair hadn’t been brushed all day. I smelled like sour milk and spit up, and I desperately needed a shower. And now I was pissed and sweating.

“Your mother kissed his cheek! And don’t even try to say it’s okay, because it’s not. I had no idea what she’d been around or exposed to from the diner. He could still get sick. And who’s to say what could happen if I switched him off of my breast milk and onto formula? What happens when he’s not getting the antibodies anymore? When the formula doesn’t magically change its composition to help him get healthy? And he deteriorates. And then I have to take him to the hospital, all by myself! And then he’ll just get sicker and weaker all because I was too selfish. Because I felt like I deserved rest. Because I couldn’t push through the pain, and the nausea, and the thoughts of wanting to die every time he latches on to nurse.” My head dropped into my hands as I felt my legs buckle. There was no hard floor that came crashing into me, like I expected. Instead, warm, strong arms wrapped around me, and I was pulled into Lachlan’s chest again. I cried out, my face still covered, as he kissed the top of my head. “I-I didn’t want him. I didn’t want him, and that’s why all of this is so tough. Because I didn’t want my baby.”

“Lain. My God.” His strong voice cracked, but his hold on me never wavered.

“I’m already such a bad mom. I’ve already f-failed him. And Greg knows. He’s going to take him away.”

“Shh. You haven’t. You haven’t failed him at all. You’re a wonderful mom, and it’s breaking my fucking heart that you can’t see it.”

My hand fisted his shirt, tightening as I tried to get everything under control. But I couldn’t. Because as soon as he held me up, it was like my mind finally gave my body permission to fall apart. And nothing was going to stop every last awful thing I’d been feeling since Reid was born from pouring out. Here, in Lach’s house. In his arms.

I don’t know how he managed it, but somehow, I felt us lower gently to the floor.

“I-I’m sorry.” I sniffled. “I’m so sorry. You d-don’t have to c-comfort me.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He adjusted his hold on me, so I slid between his legs and yet somehow tucked closer into his chest. Lach was cradling me like I’d seen him do countless times with Reid, gently rocking us as his hand smoothed up and down my back. “Just let it out, sweetheart. Let it go.”

Lachlan’s thumb rested under my chin for a second before he moved my face toward his. “Every last one of those terrible thoughts comes out into the light tonight so I can help you. So I can get you help.”

My throat burned as I buried my face against his heart. “I don’t want help. I just want to go to sleep.”

He pressed a kiss to my temple. “I know. That’s the first thing we’re gonna do. I’m going to take over Reid-watch tonight. And you’re going to sleep.”

“You’ll need to wake me up…for him to nurse.”

“No. You’re going to sleep. In my bed. He’s nursed from you all day. He got all the antibodies already. Your body is going to give out if you don’t rest. That’s priority number one. Got it?”

I looked up at him, my face soaked from the tears I’d cried, with more fresh ones threatening to fall. Because Lachlan saw me laid bare. It wasn’t the first time, either. He knew I needed help getting away from Greg. He knew I needed a safe place to land before Reid arrived, and he gave that to me. Even after I pushed him away. Even when, time after time, I kept showing him how broken I was. He saw that, and he still wanted to help. In the middle of his own pain. In the middle of his own struggles. He was helping me.

“Don’t get lost in your mind, Lainey. I know what that’s like. I know what it can take from you.”

“I’m not in my m-mind. I’m here. I-in this room with you.”

“Good girl. Stay right here with me. That’s where I want you to be.”

I took a few deep breaths, letting myself just be held. How long had it been since someone other than Lachlan just held me? Maybe when I was twelve or thirteen, and Birdie was comforting me after a rough day at school? Fifteen years since I’d felt someone pour their physical touch with such gentleness and care back into me.

“I don’t need to stay in your room tonight. I’m good. Everything just sort of boiled over.”

“No.” Lach’s tone left no room for argument. But I was going to anyway.

“You shouldn’t have to watch him for me. You’re not a babysitter. And even if you were, I don’t have any money to pay you with. Not until I pawn my ring, or sell my car, and I kind of can’t do that when I need to be able to take Reid to his appointments, and to go to my own, too.”

“Whoa. First off, Reid’s car seat base is in my truck for a reason. We should sell your car, and you can take that money and reinvest it in your business…if that’s something you still want to do.”

“Of course it is. I love cooking.”