Page 36 of Sudden Summer

“Five months.” Birdie bit down on her bottom lip, and I knew she was trying to hold back everything she was thinking. “She only told me because she’s starting to show and can’t hide it anymore. Why would she think she needed to hide it from me, Beau? I’m happy for her.”

My eyes narrowed as my finger captured one of her runaway tears. “You don’t have to bullshit me, Chickadee. It’s just the two of us out here right now, and these don’t feel like happy tears.”

Her head shook back and forth, the weight of the truth sitting heavy between us. “I don’t think they are,” she admitted.

“Want to talk about it?”

She sighed. “I’m just emotional. There’s nothing to talk about. Just a silly thought I had a long time ago. But it doesn’t matter now.”

I pressed my thumb under her chin, tipping it so I could look in her eyes. “It matters to me.”

She swallowed, her lips parting slightly and, Christ, I was having a hell of a time not kissing her. “I just thought it would be me.”

“Engaged and pregnant with a douche-bag’s baby? I would never let that happen to you.”

She laughed, but there was still no spark behind the sound. It hurt my chest. “No. It’s just…It’s hard to explain.”

“Try. For me.”

She sighed, her shoulders rolling forward as she tried to fold in on herself. “I’ve always been the mom, but it’s never been my own family. When my dad left, I was the shoulder my mom cried on. When she was so depressed she couldn’t get out of bed, I picked up the slack. I mean, I’ve practically been Lainey’s most reliable parent our whole lives. All the good memories she has, all the birthday parties, all the Christmases with presents under the tree, all the cheer competitions and ballet classes were because I worked my ass off earning money to get those things for her. And I love my job, but day in and day out, I help other women on their journeys to becoming moms. I’m literally the first person to hold these babies when they come into the world, and none of them are mine. It’s not my family there. It’s not my family here in this house. I don’t have a family, Beau. No one is mine to keep. I’m closing in on forty so fast, and no one has ever loved me enough to want to keep me.”

“You’re wrong.” There was no room in my words for argument, but the way her body straightened in my arms, I knew she would still try to. “You’re so wrong. Because you’ve been my family since kindergarten.”

She scoffed, shaking her head. “That’s different. We’re best friends.”

My hand reached over to hers, and I laced our fingers together. The sun was almost completely lost under the horizon, and I felt the cold from her fingertips sink into my rough skin. “Do best friends make out with each other?”

Her breath caught. “You were just saying thank you to me…”

I laughed. “Birdie, I do not stick my tongue down someone’s throat just to say thank you. How awkward would work be every day if I did?”

“I think I’m going to blush every time I see Travis or Kip now.”

“What?” I raised my eyebrow. “You don’t think I’m Frenching Denver? He’s going to be insulted you left him out.”

A true, blinding smile filled her face, pushing her sun-kissed freckles closer to her eyes.

“I’ll make sure to tell him I’m sorry for making assumptions the next time I see him.” Her shoulder bounced into mine playfully.

“You don’t need to say a thing to him, because the only person I’m thinking about kissing, the only person I want to kiss over and over again, is you.”

Her smile fell, and I could have kicked my own ass for saying something that clearly made her upset.

“It’s just confusing right now because of Juniper. You’re wanting to make sure she’s taken care of, and I⁠—”

“No. Don’t do that.” Her eyes went wide as I cupped her cheek, moving her face towards mine. “Don’t diminish my feelings for you. Does it mean everything to me that you are here to help with Juniper? Of fucking course it does. But don’t get it twisted, Chickadee. I’m not thinking about how amazing it would feel to fuck you out here under the stars because you’ve been helping me with Juniper. I was thinking that long before she ever existed.”

Her eyes went wide, and she leaned back from me. “You were?”

“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about that for years. So many years that some poor historian will look back on my life one day and say some shit about how pathetic it was of me to pine after you. And I know I’ve messed up before. I hate myself for it. Hell, I messed up that night with Rosa, but…I can’t regret that. I never…I love my daughter, too.”

She gasped. “I don’t want you to regret that night. Juniper is perfect and beautiful, and she’s a part of you. I’m glad I’ve been able to be here as you two settle into life together, but I’m scared to really love her. Because the moment I let myself, it’s going to be a forever kind of love. The kind of love I’m scared to feel for you.”

My hand slid over her cheek, directing her face toward mine. “Let yourself.”

Birdie shook her head. “No. Because I won’t survive it when whatever shifted between us shifts back. When you realize you want more than whatever it is you think I bring to the table. You’re infatuated with this idea of us being…what? Friends with benefits? You’d get the best of both worlds for a little bit, but you’ll find a woman who you want to really spend the rest of your days with. I won’t survive having to say goodbye to Juniper and to you. I just won’t.”

She wasn’t going to hear me. I had no idea what to say in that moment. To make her listen and understand the words that wanted to pour out of me.