Page 98 of All the Things We Never Knew

I snuggled him closer to me. ‘I hope you never do. It must have been an incredibly painful decision for Dad to make. But he was only young, remember – only a couple of years older than Lulu. And he wanted to name you after her, didn’t he, sweetheart? That meant a lot to him.’

‘I wish we could ask him about it,’ Lulu had said. ‘There’s so much we didn’t know about him.’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘But there’s also so much we’ve found out.’

When I took the children to Wales to meet Louisa over the Easter break, we’d all felt awkward and nervous. Louisa made tea and showed the children the cards and letters Gray had sent her over the years, and they had marvelled over the news of Gray’s graduation, our wedding and their own births, told in their father’s words.

‘I felt almost as if I knew you,’ Louisa had said sadly. ‘But I never thought I would get to meet you properly.’

Tentatively, she suggested that they might like to attend the Easter church service at the chapel, and to my surprise they had agreed. The choir had sung ‘Guide Me, O Thou Great Redeemer’, and although the tune was familiar to us, the Welsh lyrics had made it feel less religious and more… spiritual, somehow.

I’d found myself moved to tears then, as I had been earlier tonight when I’d had to stifle a sob during ‘I Know Him So Well’, and Lulu had passed me a tissue before gripping my hand and not letting it go until the song finished.

‘My baby brother,’ she said now. ‘Not bad for a smelly little kid.’

‘He did so well.’ I blew my nose. ‘He was so nervous earlier, I was terrified for him.’

On Louisa’s other side, I saw Orla smile. ‘Sometimes you’ve just got to let them take the leap and watch them fly.’

Then Louisa whispered something to her, and she said, ‘We’ll see you outside. We’re just going to…’

The two of them edged their way along the row of seats, presumably heading off to find the ladies’ before the queue got too bad.

‘Mum.’ Lulu leaned in close to me. ‘You know the guy who was playing Freddie?’

‘Wasn’t he amazing? One of the mums said on the WhatsApp group he’s going to RADA next year.’

‘He asked me out.’ She smiled shyly.

‘He did? What did you say?’

‘I said I’d think about it. But if he asks again I might say yes. He’s hot, right? And nice. Not up himself at all.’

I smiled down at her glowing, excited face. ‘I’m not sure being in a relationship with an actor would be the easiest thing, you know.’

‘Mum! Steady on. We’re talking a movie and a pizza, not marriage.’

I laughed. ‘Just as well. I don’t want you marrying anyone any time soon.’

‘Good, because I’m not going to.’

The third curtain call was coming to an end. The audience was still on its feet, but the clapping was dying down, everyone’s hands presumably smarting as much as my own were. The drama teacher, who’d joined the pupils on stage to share in the applause, had presented bouquets to the lead performers and one to Barney, who was holding it clumsily as if he’d never seen flowers before.

Lulu and I joined the stream of people making their way to the exit. Parents who I couldn’t recall ever speaking to before approached me to congratulate me on my son’s achievement, and I saw Lulu bask in reflected glory, selflessly happy for her brother.

Several said, ‘Your husband would have been so proud.’

I said, ‘Thank you. Yes, he would.’

Would he? Of course. Surely seeing his son excel, finding a gift that everyone seemed to think had come out of nowhere, would have delighted Gray. Perhaps it would even have helped him rediscover the talent he had turned his back on.

But then, if Gray had still been alive, perhaps Barney would never have found music at all.

At last, we emerged from the stuffy hall into the cool night. The crowd seemed to be making its way in the direction of the white-clothed table laden with bottles, where the PTA was doing a roaring trade in Pimm’s and Prosecco.

I was relieved to notice that I didn’t want a drink – not one bit.

Lulu and I took our water bottles out of our bags and drank, moving together away from the crowds, finding a bench on the edge of the playing field where we sat to wait for Orla and Louisa.