Page 85 of All the Things We Never Knew

‘What?’ My finger sprung away from my earlobe as if it was red hot. ‘He – Gray never said.’

Anna’s face crumpled. ‘Well, mind you don’t keep them gathering dust in their box now you know. He wouldn’t have wanted that.’

That was exactly what I’d been thinking I would do. But I said, ‘I won’t. But you were saying – about his will.’

‘Yes. He wanted to make a bequest to a charity, it turned out, not to you. To something called the MAYC. I thought it was the YMCA at first, but it’s not. I just found out now – Seren Chamberlain told me. It’s a charity based in Wales for young carers.’

‘But Gray wasn’t… was he?’

‘His mother had a personality disorder. His childhood was awful. Seren told me all about it. Apparently his mother – Louisa – has undergone treatment and recovered well. But I can’t… I’m still trying to process it all.’

‘I understand,’ I said. ‘That’s why I wanted to find out who Joel was. Or at least, find out who the friend who Gray had donated a kidney to was. I didn’t know it was Joel then. And I’m still trying to process that.’

‘Well, look at us,’ Anna said mockingly. ‘Nancy Drew One and Two. And how do you feel now that your investigation has concluded?’

‘I don’t know. I suppose I would have understood it better if I’d come at it from the other end, like you did. By finding out more about Gray’s relationship with Joel. Because as far as I could tell it was just a way for him to – I don’t know. Finally remove the last thing tying him to his past. Joel described it as a debt of gratitude.’

Anna nodded, then gestured to me with her empty glass. ‘Another?’

‘I’m all right, thanks.’

She poured wine into her own glass, carrying on the thread of our conversation as if it hadn’t been broken.

‘A debt of gratitude. That makes sense. They – Joel and Seren, and I suppose Joel’s father, although he died a couple of years ago, she says – were like a second family to Gray when he was at school. Or like a first family, because his mother was never really there.’

‘Because of her mental illness?’

Anna nodded, then briefly explained what Seren had told her about Gray’s relationship with his mother: the erratic, dangerous behaviour; the self-harm with alcohol, prescription drugs and sharp objects; the men she’d bring home late at night. And the way she had behaved to Gray, veering unpredictably from cold anger to suffocating love.

‘No wonder he wanted to get away from that,’ I said when she had finished, my throat constricting so it was hard to get the words out.

‘And no wonder he felt grateful to Joel. I used to think… Gray had a self-destructive streak too, you know. He never took care of his health until quite recently. Until it was too late, I suppose.’

‘Did he know his mother was still alive?’ I asked.

Anna looked down at her glass for a long time. ‘He did. Joel came to see him, years ago, when he was visiting London. Seren told me. It was just after Lulu was born. Louisa had… She’d tried to take her own life, and that was when she finally got help.’

‘And Joel told Gray this?’

She nodded. ‘Gray said he wasn’t interested. He said he couldn’t risk our children being damaged by her the way he was. He said she’d told him she never wanted to see him again and that was what was going to happen.’

I was silenced, shocked that Gray could have been capable of such cruelty – but at the same time, understanding the deep trauma that lay behind his decision.

‘Perhaps she hoped he would change his mind eventually,’ I said at last.

‘Maybe. But now… I don’t know whether I should contact her. She’s the children’s grandmother, after all. I don’t know what Gray would have wanted.’

‘He would have wanted you and the children to be happy,’ I said.

‘I know. But I don’t see how we ever can be.’

Anna put her face in her hands and started to cry. After hesitating only a moment, I put my arms around her and held her close.

FORTY-NINE

ANNA

Gray was alive. I saw him in the garden, the low autumn sun shining behind him so that at first I wasn’t sure it was really him. But, from the upstairs window, I could clearly see a figure below me, sweeping the ground. I could hear the swish of the broom over the flagstones and the rustle of the leaves as they piled up against the base of the silver birch tree.