Page 42 of All the Things We Never Knew

‘Marmite,’ he said.

‘Oh God, I taste of it, don’t I? Sorry about that.’

‘Like Marmite.’ He smiled. ‘Hate bananas.’

‘They’re gross, aren’t they? Slimy devil penises.’

He managed a croaky laugh.

‘I’ll be in and out all day,’ I carried on. ‘Anna will too. You don’t have to worry – there’ll always be someone here. It’s like a relay race.’

Except in this race, there was only one possible end and no winners. Silence fell between us, and I sought to fill it with something other than the gloomy thoughts that rushed into my mind if I allowed them to.

‘I got a text from Lulu yesterday,’ I told him. ‘It’s so random – she came to our stand at the careers fair I did for work, and then she saw me arriving here the other day. She asked for my number, to find out more about becoming a nurse. She’s a great kid.’

He smiled. ‘The best.’

Before I could say anything more, there was a tap on the door and Precious glided in. She didn’t have to say anything; I knew what she meant by her careful smile. Anna had arrived. Anna had been asked to wait in the lobby on the pretext of Gray getting some personal care, so I could slip out the back without seeing her.

‘Thanks,’ I mouthed, then I said to Gray, ‘I’m going to head off for a bit. I’ll be back soon, okay? I love you.’

‘Love you,’ he murmured.

I knew there would be a last time he said that to me, but I didn’t know it was then.

I bought a coffee and found a park nearby and sat on a bench, my face turned up to the sun. My eyes were closed but I could see the brightness through my eyelids and feel the warmth soaking through my T-shirt.

Gray had been taken outside the day before, Precious had told me, when Anna was there. I hoped he’d enjoyed the sunshine. Had he been uncomfortable? Would Anna have remembered he liked to suck on chips of ice sometimes?

Stop it, Laurel, I said to myself. Anna knew him. She’d loved him for twenty years, and I had for just eighteen months. So I made myself stop thinking, and I waited on the bench until Precious texted to tell me the coast was clear.

Gray slept deeply for most of the afternoon. I chatted to him a bit, but when he didn’t respond I stopped – there was no point disturbing his rest. So I sat quietly by his side, holding his hand until my arm went numb and my shoulder started to ache, then I moved the chair to the opposite side of the bed and held his other hand.

At four, Anna came back with the children. Precious had gone off shift and Desmond had taken over, and I guess she hadn’t briefed him about me, so I was still sitting there when the door opened.

I jumped to my feet. ‘Sorry. I was just leaving.’

Gray’s son looked at me curiously. I hoped he hadn’t seen me holding his father’s hand.

Anna said, ‘Yes. How is he?’

But before I could answer, Lulu said, ‘Hi, Laurel. Is it okay if I text you about the hospital open day?’

‘Of course.’ I was conscious of Anna’s gaze on me. ‘I’ll look forward to seeing you there.’

‘It’ll be busy, though,’ Lulu went on. ‘Maybe we could meet before? Have a coffee or something?’

‘That would be nice.’ I reached out and touched her shoulder. ‘Take care of yourself in the meantime. And your dad.’

Then I legged it across the road, had a fried chicken burger and a Coke, and waited until I saw their car turn out of the gates and drive away before going back.

The radio was on when I entered the room – LBC, playing on Gray’s phone. I switched it off and sat down, telling him I was back and taking his hand. I could feel no answering pressure, so I spoke to him only occasionally, telling him that we were almost ready to exchange contracts on my new flat and that I’d hopefully be moving in in a few weeks.

‘It’s a shame you never got to see it,’ I said softly. ‘Maybe if I’d had my own place, we could have spent more nights together. That would’ve been fun, right?’

Gray’s hand gripped mine with sudden intensity and his eyes opened, wide with alarm. ‘Joel?’

I was bewildered. What was he talking about?