Page 19 of All the Things We Never Knew

‘That in the midst of death, there could be life?’ In spite of the grimness of his words, his tone was light.

‘I suppose. But mostly, it’s still all about you. I can’t see past that.’

‘Good to know I’ve still got it.’ He grinned, then he went on, suddenly serious. ‘Laurel. Promise me something.’

‘Of course.’

‘If you meet someone else – like, now. Tomorrow. On the Tube home from here. Someone you could fall in love with and have a family with – promise me you’ll do it. No matter if I’m still here or not. I wouldn’t want you to even tell me. Just do it.’

I shook my head, almost unable to comprehend what he was saying. ‘I couldn’t.’

He reached out and squeezed my hand fiercely. ‘You must. You’d be a fantastic mother.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Because you’re loving and resilient and you’re the world’s best listener. And I know about mothers, trust me – I had a shit one, and I’ve seen Anna be a great one. I know which sort you’d be.’

I felt a kind of helplessness wash over me, as if I was drowning, and it was easier to give in to the current than keep swimming. I knew there could be no one else for me now – not while I still had even the small part of Gray that was mine. But I also knew what he needed to hear – that his guilt over Anna was enough for him to have to bear without having to feel guilty about me too.

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘If I happen to get chatting to Chris Hemsworth in the pub tonight and he asks for my number, he’s getting it. No ifs or buts.’

‘Good girl. So long as you promise to send me a video.’

I laughed. ‘But, Gray. There’s a thing that’s been bothering me.’

‘You mean apart from the fact I’m going to cark it? What’s that? Boiler playing up? Got a troublesome verruca? You can tell me, Laurel.’

I was laughing hard now, the kind of laughter that felt like it might turn to tears at any moment. I leaned down and kissed him, treasuring the feel of his lips against mine and the warmth of the sun on his skin.

When I could speak again, I said, ‘It’s just… I’ve been thinking. There’s going to be a time when I see you and it’ll be the last time.’

‘Well, obviously. I’d have thought you’d have figured that out, what with being a healthcare professional and all.’

He’d stopped laughing now. His eyes were open and looking straight at me, so I could see the golden flecks within the coffee brown.

‘I don’t mean that. I don’t mean when you’re not here any more, although of course I’ve thought about that. I mean before.’

I looked away from him and squinted up at the sun, hoping its warmth would dry the tears I could feel springing to my eyes, but it didn’t.

‘What are you talking about?’ He tried to smile, but I could tell that he was getting what I meant. ‘You’re not going to wait for me to shuffle off? You’re going to dump me first? Even if you don’t meet Chris Hemsworth in the pub?’

I shook my head. ‘I tried that, remember? You wouldn’t let me. I mean when… When you’re not going to be able to get up and about so easily. When you can’t come and meet me like this any more. And knowing that’s going to happen is hard.’

Now he sat up. It looked like it was difficult to do – like he’d stiffened up, lying there, or like the strength in his abdominals wasn’t what it was. Or like moving hurt him.

Once he was up, I swung my leg over his so we were sitting facing each other, my thighs either side of his hips, like lovers. He put his hands on my waist.

‘Right,’ he said. ‘I get that. I wish I could plan for us to say goodbye. I wish I knew when it was going to happen. I wish I could have you with me when I go. But I can’t promise that. I just want you to know you’ll be in my heart right until the end. Right?’

‘Right,’ I said.

ELEVEN

ORLA

25 March 2024

I am normally an early riser – I have been all my life. But right now I am laid low with a foul cold, so after I had given the cats their breakfast I came back to bed with a cup of lemon-and-ginger tea, and went to sleep without writing my Morning Pages as usual.