Page 16 of All the Things We Never Knew

Dunno – nothing?

Is this going to be bad?

Looks that way.

The bafflement in their faces was replaced by alarm.

‘We need to talk, as a family,’ Gray said heavily. ‘I’m sorry, it’s not going to be easy.’

Barney sat down and took a gulp of his milk, the moustache it left on his top lip making him look like a small boy. Lulu polished her apple on the sleeve of her jumper, then edged on to the stool next to her brother. Augustus came in through his cat flap, meowed plaintively then jumped up on to the counter.

He wasn’t normally allowed up there, but I didn’t shove him off. This was a family conference, after all.

‘You’re getting divorced, aren’t you?’ Lulu’s voice broke the silence, high and clear. ‘We’ve heard you fighting, you know. We’re not stupid.’

Shit. How could I have planted a seed of fear in my children’s hearts that had been growing there secretly, making them afraid of something that wasn’t going to happen when something worse was?

‘No, darling,’ I replied, reaching out to touch her arm. ‘We’re not getting divorced. It’s something else.’

‘Has Granny died?’ Barney asked anxiously. ‘Then I’ll be the only one in school with no grandmothers.’

Gray shook his head. ‘Please, let me explain.’

He told them about his diagnosis and what it meant. I sat and listened too, my hands clasped in front of me, trying not to cry – trying not to scream and run out of the room. Trying not to betray the anger that was surging inside me again at the cruelty and injustice of it all.

‘So, wait, Dad.’ Lulu’s eyes were wide and brimming with tears. ‘You’re saying, you’re going to, like, die?’

‘The doctors don’t think there’s any way to treat it,’ Gray said gently, pulling his chair up closer to her. ‘They’ll do everything they can. But…’

‘What they can do is – well, it’s not a lot,’ I continued for him, my heart twisting with pain for Lulu and Barney. ‘It’s all about keeping your dad here, keeping him with us, for as long as they possibly can. That’s what we’ve asked them to do.’

‘I don’t understand.’ Barney put his glass of milk down on the counter. His trembling hand made it rattle against the marble worktop. ‘Cancer’s something old people get. And it’s old people who die. You told me that when I was about four.’

I had, of course. I remembered it clearly – my frightened, crying boy who’d just twigged about the reality of life and death. I’d have told him anything to comfort him, but I thought what I’d said had a pretty decent chance of being true.

‘Did your mum have it?’ asked Lulu. ‘Granny Graham, who we never met? Is that what she died of? Does that mean we’ll get it?’

‘Of course it doesn’t mean you’ll get it,’ I said. ‘It’s not a hereditary thing.’

‘And Granny… my mother, didn’t have cancer,’ Gray said gently, but I saw a flicker of something like panic cross his face. ‘You know that. She died in a road traffic accident when I was at university.’

I saw Lulu’s eyes, wide and terrified in her ashen face, before I scooped her into my arms, feeling her tears begin to flow down my neck. Barney was crying too, held tightly by his father.

‘Will Dad still be here for my birthday?’ Lulu asked, when eventually she was able to speak again.

‘We don’t know, sweetheart,’ Gray said. ‘I can’t promise. But if it’s humanly possible, I will. Every single second I’ve had with you has been precious, and however many I’ve got left are even more important. I can promise that.’

‘Dad.’ Barney put his thumb in his mouth – a habit he’d broken years before – then realised and bit his nail instead. ‘Will it hurt loads?’

‘Not if I can help it.’ Gray stroked his son’s hair. ‘I’m going to take all the drugs going. The doctors won’t let it hurt.’

At last, when we’d answered all the questions we could, Gray said, ‘Come on, you two. Time to hit the sack.’

He stood up, Barney still on his lap, and hoisted him higher to carry him up the stairs. As he reached the landing, I saw his legs buckle and he almost fell before righting himself and struggling on. Barney had shot up recently, and it was a long time since Gray had carried him – but still, his weakness appalled me.

It’s happening, I thought. It’s happening already.

But I couldn’t let the children see my terror. I sat on the edge of Lulu’s bed after she’d cleaned her teeth, stroking her hair like I used to when she was small. From the next-door bedroom, I could hear Gray’s voice speaking softly to Barney.