Page 40 of Always Be My Pumpkin

‘I doubt that, Flynn.’ I reach out and touch his wrist to let him know I’m here if he needs me. ‘You’re not easy to forget.’

He lifts his head and stares at me, and he looks sadder than I’ve ever seen.

‘I’m not so sure about that, Gracie. You did.’

18

‘I’m sorry,’ Flynn whispers Sunday morning, as I lie facing the window, wondering how I’m going to navigate this crazy situation I’ve put myself in.

Because it’s all down to me. It’s all my fault. I kissed the boy who made it clear that that’s the last thing he wants from me. Although, that didn’t feel true last night when his lips were on mine.

His hand finds my waist, the barest of touches, and the bed dips as he moves a little closer. My breath hitches, and I force myself to lie very still. Not break the fragile contract we made about how we share this space. I’ve already broken all the rules of our friendship with that kiss. I just hope I haven’t ruined everything.

Last night, I didn’t know how to respond to what he said about forgetting him. Part of me felt so upset because he was the one who left in the first place. Then I remembered how sad he seemed our first night in the Corner Bar, when he talked about what he wrote in that second Christmas card. I know he had no control over any of it. His family moving, his mother getting sick, me choosing to focus on Jamie because it hurt too much to think about Flynn.

All I said was, I never forgot you. And he said, I know. And then he put down his glass and said he’d promised Pat that he’d drop back the keys to his truck. And I pretended to be asleep when he came home and climbed in beside me, leaving what felt like an ocean of space, as a safety zone between us.

But now his hand is at my waist, his breath warm against my neck. And I have to hold myself back, for both our sakes.

‘It’s okay,’ I say, and I put my hand over his and squeeze tight. It’s my friendship that he needs, not my horny, crazy dreams.

‘I know you didn’t forget me.’

The warmth of his sigh caresses the bare skin of my shoulder, and I keep myself still.

‘It just felt like that for a while. And last night was a weird night for me. I was freaked out about you having dinner with Jamie, and I know I’d no right to be, but I don’t like that guy.’

I lift his arm and turn around, edging back so I can see his face. ‘I get Jamie can be arrogant but I was perfectly safe.’

His fingers tug at the end of my pyjama top, twisting the fabric. ‘But I still worry, Gracie. Because you two have finished before and you always got back together. He always managed to persuade you to change your mind.’ He lets go of my pyjama top and moves further away towards the edge of the bed. ‘But I don’t believe he makes you happy.’

He releases a strained breath. ‘I’m sorry if it’s not my place to say this, but I won’t forgive myself if I don’t. I wanted to every time I got your card, or heard the news from Pat, and it was clear he’d manipulated you again.’

I sit up and pull a pillow into my lap. ‘You’re making me sound pathetic, and I’ve had enough of that from Jamie.’

Flynn sits up too. ‘Of course you’re not pathetic. You’re amazing.’ He shakes his head. ‘But you always see the best in people, even when they don’t deserve it.’ He goes quiet for a beat, then his voice comes out raw. ‘I’ve spent my whole life watching my mother give up everything for my father. Her family, her career, all the friends she made here in Oakwood. Then he wasn’t there for her when she needed him.’ He squeezes his eyes shut and drags his hands down his face. ‘I couldn’t bear for that to happen to you.’

I reach out and glide my finger across his cheekbone, tracing the tiny freckles that I love so much. ‘That’s not going to happen. Jamie and I are finished. And maybe you’re right, maybe I did go along with his plans, but it was more because I didn’t want to focus on what was missing in my own life, the things I felt sad about.’ I sigh and finally voice the thoughts that have been circling in my head since last night. ‘Jamie’s not perfect. But neither am I. I spent ten years with someone that I don’t think I was ever in love with because I didn’t want to be on my own. I might be even more selfish than he is.’

Flynn presses his palm over my hand and holds it against the side of his face. ‘You could never be selfish, Gracie.’

I look into his eyes, sad and soulful, and I feel like I’m staring into the depths of a deep blue lake. But I know it’s time to swim to the surface and stand on my own.

‘I’m not so sure. I keep freaking out about everybody leaving. Mam, Sarah, you. When I should be thinking about what’s best for the people I care about. Being on my own will be good for me. I have to learn to rely on myself. And stop expecting everyone to be there for me whenever I need them.’

‘But that’s what friends do.’ Flynn squeezes my fingers. ‘I like being here for you.’

I shake my head, close to tears, I’m so frustrated with how I’ve handled things. ‘But look how I thanked you. Messing with our friendship. Making you kiss me just to get rid of Jamie.’

‘That’s okay, I forgive you.’ A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. ‘It wasn’t that awful. I’ll survive.’

I pull my hand from beneath his and easy laughter bubbles out of me as I push against his chest. ‘The nerve of you, Flynn Anderson. That was a damn good kiss and you know it.’

‘I do know. I’m the one who kissed you, remember, and you’re welcome.’ He grins cheekily. ‘Anytime. Like I said, always happy to help a friend.’

And just like that, it feels like we’re almost back to us, laughing like there’s no awkwardness between us. Like there never was, and never could be, no matter what.

‘Is this enough?’ Aisha from our knit and crochet group calls from the children’s section, later that week. The group have yarn-bombed the entire adult library with strings of knitted pumpkins and garlands of crocheted gold and copper leaves. And now Aisha’s decorating the children’s area with bright yellow sunflowers, complete with smiley ghosts at the centre of each crocheted bloom. More Casper than Bogeyman, for sure.