Page 31 of Always Be My Pumpkin

‘And then you went. To London. With Jamie,’ Flynn says, his voice flat.

‘Yeah, and I blew all my savings on my share of our deposit and rent.’ I stare down at my hands, remembering again. How Jamie convinced me it would be the making of us, and if I did this for him, chose London and him, it would prove that I was committed to us. I felt like I’d been trying to prove that for years.

And then we got there, and nothing was as exciting or as glamorous as he’d hoped, not his office, or his clients, or his work colleagues. I think he’d spent too long watching those high-flying property shows and thought he’d be selling apartments in Mayfair to movie stars and royalty. His cousin in Dagenham had talked it up on every visit home and he’d made the business sound like it had way more potential than it did. Things went sour after that. I threw myself into my new job at a community centre and even made some new friends. I was trying to stave off the loneliness of missing home, but I only seemed to make things harder for Jamie. He said I was too busy with my friends and my work to focus on us.

I close my eyes as I hear his last words. The day I found him with Olivia. What did you expect, Gracie? You’re never here for me. We don’t even have sex any more. At least Olivia cares.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’

I feel Flynn’s fingertip lightly touch my cheek as though to wipe away a tear, even though I know I haven’t let one fall. But it’s gone before I’m even sure it happened. Maybe I just imagined it.

I open my eyes and bring my legs up to rest my chin on my knees. Then I slowly exhale while I try to collect my thoughts and figure out the best way to answer without coming across as needy or pathetic.

‘I’m here if you want to talk,’ Flynn says softly. ‘About Jamie, or your mom, about your phone call. You’ve been gone a while, and you seem upset.’

I lift my chin and manage a weak smile. ‘No. Everything’s fine. Mam’s having a wonderful time. She called a day ahead because she’s hiking up the side of a mountain tomorrow and she’s not sure about coverage. It’s all good.’

He tilts his head. ‘Gracie.’

‘Flynn.’

‘It’s me. You don’t have to pretend.’ He moves to the top of the bed and nudges me over so he can sit next to me, and we’re side by side, leaning against a mountain of pillows when he adds, ‘It’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to miss someone.’ He takes my hand and props it against his thigh then he wraps his other hand around it and says, ‘You don’t have to pretend when you’re with me.’

‘Mam met someone.’ I turn my head towards him. ‘He was on the call with her.’

‘Ah.’ He nods and waits for me to go on.

‘He’s Scottish. He seems nice. And just her type. Well, her rom-com type anyway, all stubbly and rugged-looking. I don’t know what her type is in real life, apart from my dad.’

My breath catches as a long-forgotten scene flashes through my mind, and I shut my eyes tight to gather myself again. I wasn’t expecting that memory to drop from some dark corner of my brain and steal centre stage. My father, with his mop of curly blond hair and dancing green eyes, twirling my mam around the kitchen as he sang to her, the way he used to all the time. I haven’t let myself picture that for a very long while, and it’s the most beautiful memory, but it hurts like hell.

‘I think it’s serious,’ I say, dragging my focus back to the present. I’m glad it’s Flynn here beside me, but even so, I don’t feel anywhere near ready to talk about my dad.

Flynn lets go of my hand and puts his arm around my back, and he gathers me in so I’m leaning with my head against his chest, my arm across his stomach. He strokes my hair as he voices what I can’t, not yet. ‘And you’re worried Lorraine might move to Scotland to be with him.’

I let out a low groan as I bury my cheek in the soft fleece of his hoodie. ‘I’m so selfish. Mam’s put me first for the last twenty-six years. The least I could do is be happy for her. It’s only Scotland, even if she does move there.’ I shake my head. ‘Which she probably won’t. She’s only just met this man.’

Flynn wraps his arm tighter around me and I keep going. ‘But even if she does, it’s only an hour on the plane. It’s not like she’d be moving to America or Australia or . . .’ I start to shake now and I breathe out hard. ‘It’s not like I’d be losing her forever.’

We stay like that for a while, me talking, Flynn listening, then he hugs me tight and says he’ll nip downstairs to clean up and give me a chance to get changed.

‘I’m taking the couch,’ I call after him as he walks away. I feel better, lighter. Light enough to sleep on that couch that’s definitely too small for Flynn.

He doesn’t answer, just shakes his head as he goes.

I brush my teeth and change into my pjs, then I hear Flynn go into the bathroom, so I take my cue to sneak downstairs and nab the couch. I should have brought my blanket, but I like the way that throw smells all woody and citrusy, like him.

Then I hear footsteps on the stairs.

‘Not happening, Sullivan.’

He does his best to look like he means business, hands on hips, lips pursed, but I can see he’s stifling a grin.

I look up and pull a face as I shrug one shoulder. ‘Tough, I’m here now, Anderson. And there’s nothing you can do about it, so go on, get to bed. Your bed.’ I dismiss him with a wave, and he snorts out a laugh.

‘We’ll see about that.’ He grabs the end of my throw and tugs hard until I’m coverless, wearing only my strappy pyjama top and shorts.

‘Hey, that’s not fair.’ I sit up and pout at him. ‘Do you want me to freeze to death?’