Page 26 of We Wish You a Messy Christmas

“You mean besides sewage?” Dad’s frown turned into a scowl as he wiped his hands on his jeans.

“Serious plumbing problems?”

“Not sure how serious they are. I’m not a plumber. Not much of a handyman either.” Dad scrunched his nose. “Man, can you smell that?”

“Hard to miss.” Malcolm set the pet carrier on the counter.

“I thought it was the kitchen sink. Your mom thought the drain was running slow, so I opened up the trap and water went everywhere.” He looked at the towels spread about. “Guess I better get Mom’s favorite towels off the floor before she comes back from the store.”

“So did you fix it?” Malcolm took a peek under the sink, but, like Dad, he wasn’t a plumber either.

“Nope.” He pointed to the standing water in the sink. “I already tried running water there, and no go.” Erik scratched his head. “I was hoping to figure it all out before your mom got home. But I guess I should try to call the plumber again.”

Malcolm began to walk about the kitchen, sniffing, then followed the foul aroma and a trail of water to the mudroom bath next to the laundry room. He opened the door to see the small bath was flooded, and it smelled so bad he pulled up his jacket to cover his nose. “Dad,” he yelled. “You gotta see this.”

Erik hurried in, letting out a loud moan. “Oh, crud. I should’ve known. But I didn’t even think about this bathroom.”

“You better get a plumber here. Fast.”

“Yeah, this is definitely above my pay grade.”

“Mine too.” Malcolm backed up, trying not to breathe. “Aren’t you supposed to shut off the water when you’re having a plumbing problem?”

“Yeah, I did that after I made a mess with the kitchen sink drain.”

“I’ll help you clean this up.” Malcolm unzipped his jacket as they headed for the kitchen.

Erik stopped by the laundry room, grabbing up an armful of towels and dropping them on the floor as they walked. “Go get a mop and a bucket or two,” he instructed.

Malcolm removed his coat and rolled up his sleeves. “Think we need hazmat suits?”

“Probably.”

As Erik called several plumbers who all seemed too busy to help, Malcolm gathered cleaning tools, and, slowly and stinkily, the two of them attempted to clean up the mess. As they wrung towels into buckets, they kicked around possible causes for the plumbing disaster. Finally, in the mudroom bath, Erik arrived at a possibility.

“Since it seems to have originated in here with both the toilet and bath flooding and not draining, and since this bathroom is the closest to our septic tank, I’m guessing that’s the trouble.”

“You’re still on a septic tank?” Malcolm wrung out a filthy towel. “I thought the city ran sewer on this end of town back when I was in college.”

“They did, but since we weren’t annexed, we had the option to hook up or remain on our own systems for a period of time.”

“A period of time?”

“Yeah, I can’t remember the exact rules. And I always meant to get us hooked up, but . . . well, your mom got sick . . . life got busy. I guess I sort of forgot.”

“Sounds like you need to get someone here to empty it, pronto.” Malcolm grimaced at his hands. “And we really need some fresh water to clean ourselves up.”

“But I turned off the water. And why turn it back on when we don’t have drains?”

“Right now, we need to sanitize this place. And that’ll take water and bleach. I can make a solution, like we use in the kennels, to make it all clean and safe. And we need it done before any of the kids come by.”

“And since our house is Grand Central, that could happen in any given moment.”

“I’m on it,” Malcolm said.

“All this with Christmas less than a week away.” Erik grimly shook his head. “Your poor mom.”

“I’ll grab some buckets and go next door to see if we can get some water from the Bradshaws’ for cleanup,” Malcolm said.