Page 130 of Such Sharp Teeth

His face disappears in the cloud of his exhale.

I turn back to the driveway, and she’s gone. I need to go after her. I need to find her. I need, I need, I need . . .

I know it’s cold only because my tears freeze to my face.

“I have to go,” I tell him.

I attempt a long stride, but my knees buckle; my legs give. I collapse at the feet of animatronic Santa.

My shins are skinned, my palms. I’m dirty. I’m embarrassed. I’m furious . . . or at least I wish I were. The fury is fading and all that’s left is hurt. A raw, boundless pain. It’s crushing me.

“Are you okay?”

He comes around, steps in front of me. I can’t look at him. I can’t face him.

“Let me help you up.”

“No,” I tell him.

I don’t cry like this very often, but when I do, I apparently sound like a Muppet.

“Please,” he says. “Let me help you.”

He offers me a hand.

I can’t take it.

I can’t.

I shake my head. “No, I can do it.”

“I know you can,” he says. “Just let me help.”

“I don’t need help! I can do it on my own. Go back inside. Leave me alone.”

I get my feet underneath me. I push myself up, my bones croaking. I manage to stand but immediately topple over. He catches me.

“Rory, hey. What’s going on? What happened with Mia? I heard you got in a fight.”

“Why do you care?”

He sighs. “Good question.”

I take a wobbly step back and am about to lose my footing when he reaches out to steady me. I get a whiff of him, his scent, and it’s like coming home after a long trip, walking through the door. I inhale, and I’m home. There’s nothing I want more in this moment than to have him hold me and tell me everything will be okay. Tell me I don’t have to carry the weight of all this alone. But what if the house comes down on top of me?

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you,” I say. “But what was I supposed to think? Mia said you took her out.”

“Do you not trust me?”

“Don’t take it personally,” I say. “I don’t trust anyone.”

He puts his head in his hands, gives another frustrated sigh.

“Well, what about you, huh?” I say, stepping backward, putting distance between us. As I do, the goddamn sleigh bells jingle. “You haven’t reached out to me at all. You didn’t ask me about Kevin. You were just as quick to dismiss me. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe I’m dealing with shit? Serious shit. So I don’t know where you get off assuming everything is about you and then telling me I’m the one after attention.”

He doesn’t say anything. Santa ho-ho-hos behind me.

“Did you ever stop to think about my life, how I grew up? All those creeps that my mom brought around. You have no idea what I’ve been through, the things I’m dealing with. And, yeah, I’m confident. I know my worth. I know how I present myself. But I’m not fucking invulnerable. So I’m sorry. I know I messed up. But it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I care so much, it terrifies me.”