Page 55 of How to Wed a Courtesan

He strode around her to face her. ‘Rage at me the way I should be raged at. Let out the hurt you’ve kept so neatly tucked behind a facade for so long.’

‘I can’t.’ Her face crumpled as she began to sob.

‘You must.’ Evander cried out, in a mix of anger and pain, unable to bear what he had forced her to endure. He wanted her to yell at him, to throw every hard-edged thought he had earned at him. ‘Hurt me the way I hurt you—the way I deserve.’

‘I can’t,’ she said vehemently. ‘I can’t because I love you.’

He choked in a breath at those words he had no right to hear.

‘I can’t say those things to you because I cannot bear to cause you pain.’

She reached out with a trembling hand and touched his cheek. Her fingers were cold. It made him want to press them between his palms to warm them.

‘I’ve caused you so much agony.’ His voice had gone hoarse with anguish.

‘You have.’ She gazed up at him through red-rimmed eyes. ‘And now you see why it’s so difficult. Our love was simple once. Our love now...’ she exhaled slowly ‘...is entirely too complicated. Who I am and what I’ve done. Why I had to do it. My shattered heart. It all stands between us.’

‘I’m so sorry.’ He reached for her, and when she did not pull away he drew her towards him, wrapping his arms around her. ‘By God, I’m so sorry.’

She curled into him and her shoulders began to tremble with the force of her weeping. ‘I miss her every day,’ she said between gasps.

Evander bent his head towards Lottie’s and let his tears flow with hers. His tears were for the child he would never know, while hers were for the memories she would always cherish.

They remained like that, unmoving from one another’s embrace, long after their anguish had quieted. There was a silent comfort in the shared warmth of their bodies, in the steady rise and fall of each other’s breathing.

Her head lay on his chest and he couldn’t resist the urge to press a tender kiss to her hair. She looked up at him, her expression calm, almost languid.

In that moment he wanted to be closer, needed to be as near her as possible to ease the intense ache of grief within them both. He lowered his face as she lifted hers and their lips met somewhere in between.

That kiss was like coming home. It was comfort and love in its truest form. And it made him crave more.

He caught the back of her head in his palm and deepened the kiss. She moaned, making the same little noise in the back of her throat that he remembered. Lust slammed into him at the familiar sound. All the nights of missing her, of yearning for her, now combined with the desire to comfort and be comforted. His hands moved over her face, her neck, her shoulders and back, her waist.

He couldn’t touch enough of her, insistent on having all of her at once, and her reaction matched his. The roaming of her hands was just as restless and eager. Her kisses became frenzied, rushed, with the extent of their need.

Lottie’s fingernails raked through his short hair, lightly grazing his scalp and sending tingles of pleasure racing down his spine. He groaned at the sensation and tightened his grip on her so their hips met one another.

They weren’t young and innocent any more. Neither one of them hesitated as the intensity of their lust flared beyond their control.

Regardless of what happened going forward, they had each other in that moment. For comfort. For lust. For the love that once was.

And for the hope it could some day be once more.

How Lottie had dreamt of this moment. Evander’s body strong against her own, a rock of support she had been too stubborn to admit needing for a long time.

Part of her wanted to collapse against him and borrow his fortitude. A greater part, however, was starved for affection, too long put off from emotion and feeling to be denied.

That greater part was the one she gave in to now. She touched him everywhere, with a rapacious longing to confirm this was truly happening, that he was before her, in her room, his mouth tender and yet insistent as he kissed her with a matching hunger.

‘I love you, Lottie,’ he said against her mouth, the declaration vehement.

She pressed her lips to his to silence him. She couldn’t bear to hear it. Not when they still could never be.

He didn’t care what people thought of her now when he wanted her so desperately. But once he had her and the flames of lust were doused, he might think differently. The way everyone else did.

She kissed him harder, in an effort to scorch those thoughts from her mind. But still they lingered, bitter, simmering with her residual anger at Evander for having left her.

No, she did not want to cause him pain for what he’d done, but it didn’t mean she still did not feel the sting of it. Perhaps she always would. And perhaps that would be the downfall for any chance of their shared happiness.