Page 53 of How to Wed a Courtesan

Evander watched her as she spoke, transfixed as he drew in every detail. ‘Like her mother.’

‘She was equal parts both of us—a beautiful child conceived in such love.’ Lottie wiped at the tears on her cheek. ‘I was with her for nearly four months, before my money ran out, but they were some of the happiest days of my life. Every coo, hiccup, smile, I revelled in it all, in our incredible child.’

‘What did you call her?’ Evander asked.

His voice was thick, and she realised then that he was barely containing his own sorrow.

‘Lily,’ she replied. ‘Lily Rose Murray. Our own little flower.’

Emotion shimmered in his eyes.

She swallowed and looked away from him. It would be hard to meet his gaze for the remainder of her tale.

‘I knew I had to work to support her, and was fortunate enough to find a woman willing to help in return for room and board until I had the means to pay her. It had been my intention to be a governess, as you know.’

‘You don’t need to explain yourself.’

‘I do.’ She gave him a hard look. ‘You have to understand why I—’ She squared her shoulders to steel herself for telling him this part of her past. ‘The clerk at the employment agency wouldn’t even consider me for the position of governess, as no wife would be willing to hire me without a reference. He suggested that with my ‘pretty face’ I would earn more coin working at the opera.’

Lottie pressed her lips together. The day she’d gone to the opera house had been overcast, with drizzling rain and air so cold her breath fogged. She had remained outside the doors so long, until someone finally came out to her, to see what it was she required.

She had been hired immediately.

‘The pay was inadequate at best.’ Lottie frowned at the memory of how the cost of her soul had yielded so little. She hadn’t known then how truly low she would fall. ‘But it allowed me to return to the cottage from time to time, to be with Lily. Those days were precious. She was such a good babe. She smiled with her whole body when she saw me, flapping her arms and squealing with delight.’ Lottie laughed at the recollection. ‘Then, as she grew, I saw her first teeth, watched as she learned to crawl. I was even there for her first steps.’ Lottie’s smile faded. ‘And when she first began to wheeze.’

Lottie could still hear the whistling of Lily’s breath as she struggled to breathe after playing too hard one afternoon.

‘She needed a physician, but my meagre pay was not enough to cover a doctor’s fee. The midwife I asked to look at her said a bit of honey would help, but the wheezing only seemed to get worse. I needed funds and there was nowhere to get them. Aside from the men who offered them to me. One in particular was persistent.’ Emotion tingled at her swollen eyes and drew a familiar knot in her throat. She paused a moment before whispering, ‘I had no choice.’

Her eyes wandered unbidden her hand, locating the back of her ring finger where the small diamond chip had once sat. ‘I took off my ring before I went to him. I couldn’t—’ Her voice broke.

‘My mother...?’ Evander asked.

Lottie gave a mirthless laugh. ‘I considered it, but I had no proof you were truly my fiancé. Imagine it—a country woman knocking on her door, dressed in a simple day dress that had been darned so many times over I could have made a pattern from the stitchwork. I wasn’t your wife. I was just a pauper claiming my babe was yours. I wasn’t even sure if I’d been mentioned...’

A quick glance at Evander revealed him to be regarding the floor, his mouth pressed in a flat line.

It was as she’d thought, then. His father’s funeral had doubtless consumed his time in London and she hadn’t been mentioned. As a vicar’s daughter she was educated in all societal matters, and knew she would never be accepted into Westix House to plead her case.

‘Once I had the funds,’ Lottie continued, ‘I paid a physician to go to the cottage and see Lily. He said she had a weakness in her lungs and I was to rub a paste on her chest at night.’

Sometimes Lottie still woke in the middle of the night, imagining that awful odour of mint and camphor permeating the air. On those particular instances she found herself straining to listen in the darkness for the soft, even wheezing of Lily’s breathing as she slept. A sound so familiar for so long. One that Lottie would never hear again.

‘Did the paste help?’ Evander asked.

Lottie startled, having lost herself in her thoughts. ‘No. I tried another physician, who recommended mercury, but every time I managed to force her to drink it she became ill.’ The burden of the past pressed at Lottie, crushing her. ‘Evander, I felt so helpless. I spent none of the money I earned aside from what was necessary. The rest I saved in the hope she would soon recover and I would be able to stop being a...a courtesan. That we could be together in that cottage again, just the two of us, and some day...’

Though her words died in her throat, she slowly glanced at Evander. He wiped at his eyes and sniffed.

A swallow revealed Lottie’s throat had gone dry as parchment once more. She took a sip of tea. It had gone cold in the time she’d been speaking, but it was still wet and steeled her for what came next.

‘Lily continued to live with her ailment for the next two years. Springtime was often the worst, especially when she played too vigorously and her breathing suffered. And oftentimes during the winter, when it was cold. But she grew into such a sweet girl. She sang these little songs to herself, and twirled in the sunshine as she plucked flowers from the garden. As though the world she lived in wasn’t a place where breathing hurt her, but it was all magic instead. She was magic.’

Lottie stared into the cup clasped between her fingers. ‘One day while I was in London I received an urgent post that she was poorly. I went as soon as I could, with her most recent physician in tow. When we arrived she could only lie on her bed, gasping for air. She looked at me as if I could help.’ Emotion clogged her throat. ‘There was nothing I could do. Even the physician was at a loss. He returned to London, to meet with some colleagues, but he didn’t return in time. And even if he had there was nothing he could have done.’

‘No,’ Evander whispered.

A tear splashed on the back of Lottie’s hand as all the memories she’d pushed away for so long came rushing back to her. That awful moment when she had lost her little girl for ever, the empty days following that had blurred together in a torrent of pain.