Page 75 of Head Over Skis

Adam smiles back, a glossiness to his eyes. ‘You know I really loved you, don’t you?’

I nod.

‘And I want you to be happy. Even if it’s with him.’

I resist the urge to look out of the window towards the instructors’ hut, or at the trees which I know lead to the place Rory took me for our first official date. Instead, I bat my hand through the air and try to keep back the tears that are already threatening to fall. ‘You don’t have to worry about that. It’s over.’

He looks confused, mouth opening and closing as he tries to catch up with my words. ‘From the way he was giving me a death glare when I came to pick you up after class today, it doesn’t strike me as over.’

I groan, downing the rest of my pint in two gulps and hoping that will dull the sharp pain that comes when I think about Rory.

‘With all due respect, please don’t get involved.’

I rub my hand over my chest, breathing through the cidery bubbles that are sliding down my throat and ignoring the way Adam’s assessing me with his arms folded.

‘With all due respect, I think you’re being an idiot.’

Laughter bursts out of me at his bluntness. ‘Jeez, where was all this honesty during our relationship?’

‘Don’t deflect,’ he says, clearing the empty glasses so he can lean forward, his weight resting on his forearms as he prepares for an interrogation. ‘I know you were with him last night.’

His jaw twitches briefly, but then his face returns to its perfect composure. ‘And I was actually hoping he’d be making an appearance back at the house to drop you off so I could apologise in person for how I acted. So, what happened?’

I throw both my hands up, gesturing around me. ‘I don’t know, life happened. Real life.’

‘Fuck real life!’

I look over at our empty glasses and sigh. ‘If we had any alcohol left, I would cheers to that. Not that it changes anything.’

He leans further forward then, tone serious as he ignores my half-hearted attempt at humour. ‘Will you promise me something?’

I hesitate, curious to find out where he’s going with this. I nod.

‘When we leave this table, I’m going to try and do better. Work through my shit, figure out how I can be a better partner for someone. And a good friend to you, if you’d like me to be?’

His voice hesitates on the word ‘friend’, like it’s an effort to say it. But the sentiment is there, and I’m glad he’s suggesting that even after all this, there might be a way we can keep each other in our lives. A way our group can stay whole, even if we’re apart.

‘But that goes for you too. You’re going to leave the old you here, and give the new Lottie a try. The Lottie who lets herself make stupid decisions, because whatever happens, she knows she’ll bounce back from it.’

I roll my eyes. ‘Is this your way of telling me I’m boring too, because this sounds weirdly like the speech Tilly gave me the other day. Does everyone seriously secretly think I’m dull?’

‘You’re not dull, Lotts. Or maybe a little.’

I scowl at him, and he laughs back and kicks my feet under the table.

‘But can you promise me that? That you’ll give yourself the chance to at least try and be a little crazy. What else are our twenties for anyway?’

I don’t know what to say, because I know what he’s saying is true. That there’s a part of me I’ve kept hidden away, maybe as far back as when I made the decision not to pursue art. Adam sees it. Tilly sees it. Even Rory saw it. I just can’t work out what to do with that.

Tears prickle at the corners of my eyes, salty droplets falling down my cheeks and I hate that I’m crying again today. I bring my hands up to wipe them away before pressing my palms against the sides of my head. ‘I can’t let everyone down.’

Adam’s face softens like he was anticipating that response, knowing enough about my life to put two and two together and know by ‘everyone’, I mean two specific people. His own fingers caress my cheek as he catches a tear I hadn’t felt fall. ‘Sometimes it’s fear that gives us the push to do the things that end up bringing us the most joy.’

I raise my hand from my lap and place it atop his.

‘Besides, you could never let your family down. And maybe you need to accept that they’re adults, and they’ll be able to cope without you fishing them out of their troubles all the time. They’d want you to live your life for you, not them.’

I don’t know if I can take all these deep thoughts right now, but I take in his words as we stay still, and it’s a moment I know my brain will come back to again and again. There is a new lightness in my chest, and a tiny spark of hope is finally given the chance to grow into something more.