Page 72 of Give Me Peace

I’ve done a pretty decent job of keeping busy since Lochlan and Havok left for Tennessee. Kash is a great distraction, always finding something for us to do to help the hours pass. I spent the first day being lazy, trying to wrap my mind around everything that had transpired with Havok the night before. I still have no answer for the way I feel. The way he touched me—tasted me—has been playing on repeat every moment since. He’s caused a ripple in my thoughts, and they’ve definitely grown needier. I wasn’t prepared for the way my body responded, and I’ve been desperate to recreate that sensation of succumbing to my wants and letting go.

At one point, when my emotions were all over the place, I resorted to talking to my mom. Or her urn, I should say. If she were still here and we were our happy little family of two in Pike’s Bay, I highly doubt I would’ve been forward enough to discuss sexual partners with my mother. But at present, she’s all I’ve got. I could always call Danielle, but this is personal and if I’m being truthful, I’m scared she’s going to tell me we should have waited or that I’m not ready for such a big change.

Every part of my being revolts at that. I haven’t felt this right since waking up in the hospital, disoriented and orphaned. The progression between us felt natural, and no matter what, he will always be the one who helped me past something I never thought I’d get over. Havok has played many roles in my life—asshole, caretaker, protector—but this one feels the most important. Eventually, Kash pried me from my bed and insisted we spend Friday at the beach. We searched for seashells and gorged ourselves on so much junk food, it’s a miracle we didn’t need our stomach’s pumped. Roan even came down and chased Kash with a sand crab.

When I finally climbed my exhausted butt into bed that night, the two of them had successfully drained me to the point my mind couldn’t possibly think of anything else but sleep. It’s now Saturday, and even though I’ve talked to both Lochlan and Havok every day, I’m missing them like crazy. Breakfast just isn’t the same without them. Their empty seats are too distracting, so the rest of us have come to some sort of silent agreement to sit at the island like we used to.

I’m munching on a bowl of semi-soggy Froot Loops when someone wraps their arms around my middle and tugs me off the barstool. I sputter around the bite of cereal I’d just taken, tilting my head back to glare at the offender. Kash’s amused brown eyes twinkle, but there’s no hint of apology to be found on his handsome face. He takes my seat and plops me on his lap, so I go back to eating my breakfast.

“Sweetness, I’ve just discovered something quite interesting.” Kash rests his chin on my shoulder, his thumb tracing the hem of my shorts.

“And what would that be?” I entertain him, but knowing Kash, it’s something off the wall.

“Well, you see, I was doing the laundry, and like the good little houseboy I am, I made sure to check all the pockets before adding anything to the washer. Does this look familiar, Best Friend?” I twist to see what he’s talking about, finding a folded piece of paper in his hand. He waves it, a devious grin taking shape. My list. As soon as it registers, I choke for the second time in a five-minute span. I reach to yank it from him, but he laughs, springing off the stool and drops me on my feet.

“Kash.” I harden my eyes, cock a hip out, and hold my hand between us. I’m channeling every mom stance I’ve ever been on the receiving end of, but it does me no good.

“I love it when you get all angry like that, sweetness. So fucking cute.” He backs away but keeps his eyes on me. Oh, I’m going to show him angry. With a sad attempt at a war cry, I lunge for the big meanie. It’s obvious he wasn’t expecting me to get this bent out of shape over a piece of paper, but I’ve had enough humiliation where that damn thing is concerned. The few seconds it takes him to get over his shock work in my favor. I slam against his chest, jumping to reach the list before he can raise it any higher.

“Oh, no you don’t.” Kash spins, but I’m not letting him get away that easily. Hopping on his back, I wrap my arms and legs around him and hold on for dear life. He chuckles, like he finds my attempts to subdue him downright adorable. Wanting—needing—to get that piece of paper before he can read it, I wedge my forearm beneath his chin and squeeze. I’m sure he could fling me off without an ounce of effort, but he lets me believe I’ve bested him. Kash drops to his knees in front of the couch, and fast as a whip, I slip around him and confiscate the evidence.

I unfold the paper, relieved to find that Havok crossed out the last line. My chicken scratch is completely unreadable. I shake my head, a shy smile gracing my lips. I bet he was pleased as pie to know he was responsible for seeing to that accomplishment. I can vividly picture his smug face as he marked it off. I turn to tease Kash and let him know he can tack it back on the fridge if he’d like, only to find him still kneeling on the floor, head resting on his crossed arms as he rocks back and forth.

“Kash?” I call his name, thinking he’s just out of breath or playing up my lack of strength, but then I notice the way he’s shaking, his hands fisted tightly. Something’s not right. I drop beside him, laying my hand on his back, but he flinches. I pull back immediately, a jolt of worry going through me. “Kash, it’s Saylor. What’s wrong?” The longer he goes without responding, the more I start to panic. I eye the hallway, wondering if I should go get Krew.

“I’ll get your brother, okay? Give me just a second.” I start to rise, but Kash lays his hand over my thigh and shakes his head. “Kash, please. I don’t know what’s wrong. If you won’t talk to me, then at least talk to Krew.” Another shake of his head. What in the hell is happening right now? I watch his back rise and fall as he takes slow, measured breaths. I’ll give him another minute, then, regardless of his protest, I’m going to wake Krew. He’s been resting these past few days after working so much, but I’m sure he’d want to know what’s happening. It feels like an eternity passes before Kash finally looks at me. Gutted and broke—it’s the only way I can describe the state he’s in. The sight steals my breath and makes my eyes water.

Kash pulls me closer, hugging me so tightly it borders on painful. I climb onto his lap, wanting to make whatever’s wrong, right. He shudders against me, his fingers running through my hair. I don’t ask him to talk. Right now, I just want him to be okay, despite not knowing what has him so torn up in the first place. Suddenly, Kash rises, keeping me in his arms, and starts toward my bedroom. Once we’re inside, he carries me to the bed and lays us down gently. His body is wedged between my legs, his cheek resting on my stomach. I thread my fingers through his curls and wait for him to speak.

“My stepfather was abusive.” His words halt my movement, but I shake it off and continue, knowing he needs the distraction to say what he needs to. “He was powerful—rich and influential—and to a man like that, nothing is off limits.” Oh, God. Please, please don’t let this be headed where I think it is. “He was angry or aloof, nothing in between. I’m not sure he knew how to be anything else. He beat the shit out of me, sweetness. Krew did his best to intervene, but the asshole loved picking on me the most because I was the weaker one.

“He played head games with Krew, but when it came to physical violence, I was his preferred choice. A bad day at the office for him could equate to a broken arm for me. Most of his hits were intended to do maximum damage without taking things too far. Hospitals were avoided at all costs, but even when I did have to be taken in, my injuries were always downplayed as a result of being a hyperactive kid. He..he liked to wrap his hand around my throat and cut off my airway when I least expected it.”

I can feel the blood drain from my face. I’m horrified, sick to my fucking stomach at hearing what the twins endured as kids, but I’m also disgusted with myself for bringing back such disturbing memories for him. A choked noise escapes me as I bite back a sob. The sound has Kash flying up, his eyes raking over every inch of my body. I sit up, an apology on the tip of my tongue, but he cuts me off.

“Don’t,” he growls, pressing his thumb to my lips. “Don’t you dare apologize. How many times have we screwed up, sweetness? Triggers are finicky little fuckers, but it’s not your fault. You didn’t know, and that’s more than I can say for us.” I shake my head as a tear escapes. Kash groans and swipes it away, replacing it with a kiss.

“I didn’t tell you that to make you feel guilty. We know so much about you, so it doesn’t feel right to keep my past—the parts that made me the man I am today—a secret. I’ve worked through what happened to me, but every once in a while, something will drag me back. I know how to cope with flashbacks, so please don’t feel bad.”

“Is that the reason you were prescribed sleeping pills?” I question, my voice gritty with emotion. I’ve wondered about them, but never felt it was my place to pry.

“Yes. In the beginning, I couldn’t sleep. It’s still a struggle, if I’m being honest. Krew was next to me for years, keeping watch, and it’s not something I’ve been able to let go of. It’s fucking pathetic to still share a room with my brother, but it’s what I’ve needed to function. The first time I was able to fall asleep without him was because of you.” I gape at that revelation. I just assumed it was a twin thing. They have a deep bond, so it’s never seemed weird to me that the two of them would stay in the same room.

“Did your mom ever step in?” I can’t fathom watching my kid be abused by the man I married and doing nothing to stop it. Kash scoffs, telling me everything I need to know about the woman who birthed him without uttering a single word.

“I think she always looked at us as a burden. Our father was mixed, came from lesser means than her, and that wasn’t acceptable to her family. She threw away love for wealth, and we were a reminder of that every day.” I hope she regrets her choices for the rest of her life. She has no idea what she’s missing out on by not knowing her sons.

“And your stepfather? Where’s he at now?” Please say he’s dead.

“If only, sweetness.” Kash laughs, making me blush. His ability to read my thoughts like they’re being broadcasted on a jumbotron is disturbing. “Archie Sellers is currently incarcerated at Washington State Penitentiary. Krew and I hacked his servers, gathered every bit of dirt we could find and sent it to the district attorney. We watched in glee as his empire fell. Our mother fled when the house was seized, and we haven’t seen her since. We timed the whole thing to align with our eighteenth birthday, so that’s when we moved in with Loch and Ro.”

“Wow…” I mutter, in awe of these two men who’ve come so far after being dealt such a crappy hand. I might’ve had an unfortunate intermission, but for the majority of my life, I knew the love of a parent. I had a happy home. “I hate that you guys had to go through that, but I’m glad it led you here.”

“Me too, sweetness.” Kash gives me a sweet smile. “Let’s watch a movie now. I’ve met my quota of seriousness for the next five to seven business days.” I laugh, but I see the man behind that happy-go-lucky exterior more clearly now. His need to make light of the tough moments makes more sense, and I vow to help add to as many of those as I can. It’s the least he deserves.

Kash drops a kiss to my nose and tells me he’ll be back in just a minute. I flop against my pillows, tapping my phone to check for any missed messages. I’ve been glued to the thing more these past two days than I have since Roan gave it to me. I grin when I see the notifications displayed on the screen.

Havok: Earlier today, I locked the bathroom door in our hotel room and hid the key. Loch had to piss outside and almost got his ass beat by an elderly woman with a cane. I had to bribe her with a jar of moonshine so she wouldn’t call the cops.